concerned father of a daughter that is in a toxic relationship with an insecure narcissist (20f 23m)

28 comments

1. Your daughter is an adult and ultimately it’s up to her to get rid of the boyfriend. Until she’s ready to do that, there isn’t anything you can do.

   As a parent, I understand how frustrating this must be for you. But you have to step back and let her figure it out. Make sure she knows she has a soft place to land when she’s ready.

2. Are you able to offer your daughter any therapy for herself? Can you offer to cover any costs?

   It sounds like she has some mental health issues that are causing her to gravitate towards unhealthy or toxic people and that is why this person has remained in her life for so long. I am thinking that maybe if she addresses the things that made her attracted to this bad person in the first place, that she will be in a better place.

   This can be a very tricky subject and it should not be about you paying the therapist to tell her what you want her to do.

   You can try to talk to your daughter about how he is isolating her, but there is very little that you can do if she doesn’t want to hear it or if she has heard it already.

3. You should not be involved in their relationship.

   If this young man is a guest in your home and behaves inappropriately, let your daughter know that he is not welcome.

   Anything more than that is unhealthy interference.

   Also, are you a practicing psychiatrist?

4. Honestly don’t know what to tell you besides to make sure to tell her that you are there for her any time. So she has no need to stay in the wrong relationship .
   And also keep pointing out wrong abusive behaviours. She shouldn’t start believing that is a normal behaviour. ( But sensitively) She has her whole life in front of her. She doesn’t have to settle for such a guy.. tell her she is too young. Also contraception! It will be 100% worse to make her leave if there is a baby in the picture.
   To leave she has to unfortunately make that decision by herself.
   how about maybe in the time when the narcissist is playing his leaving drama, you take her away for holiday? Some place else, long if possible. She needs a fresh angle of her relationship. Fresh scenery, to understand how bad she feels at home.
   Also I think there are lectures on YouTube about narcissists and their behaviour she could see.

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6. My cousin is a therapist who for a time specialized in DV. Here’s some insight/advice she’s given in the past:

   1) It takes an average of 10 tries to officially leave the abuser

   2) If you feel like you can do this without pushing her away, you can set the boundary of him not being allowed in your home. You can cite his disrespectful behavior of her mother as the reason. However, the best way to put this is that you want your home to be a safe space for yourself, your wife, and your family. Your daughter is welcome at any time but her boyfriend’s treatment of her mother is in direct conflict with that. It’s simply a house rule! This also shows that you won’t excuse poor treatment of your partner.

   3) Make sure she knows you support her and don’t judge her for going back. The more shame she feels, the less likely she is to come to you in a time of need.

   I know it seems like tough love or threats of estrangement will snap her out of it will help but it will only isolate her further and prove his point that it’s them against the world.

   Wishing you lots of luck.

7. Personally I would mention the narcissist term to her and ask her if she thinks he fits (he will), and let her do some research (reading Lundy Bancrofts ‘why does he do that?’ really opened my eyes..there’s a free pdf you can forward her if you google it). Opening my eyes to the term made me snap out of it personally, to realise these people don’t change. They only get worse.

8. Make sure she knows that she has the options. If she isn’t aware that she can leave any time she wants she will stay because it’s comfortable and maybe not “worth” leaving

9. I was in this exact same situation at 21. My parents did everything in their power to get us to break up. My mum saw this as her right, as I am her daughter and was living under her roof. my only advice? Do anything except that. Does she fully understand what narcissism is? I didn’t until we broke up, but understanding the psychology behind it greatly helped me. Maybe something that could help.

10. I think if this was me I’d wait until he breaks it off again and then book her a months trip somewhere, keeping her busy tell her to leave her phone block him and change her number and delete his. Come off all social media so she can 100% remove herself from the situation. But unfortunately she has to make that choice.

    My partner was with a narcissist for 10 years through those 10 years 7 of those he had no contact with his parents, when he finally got back in contact after leaving his mum had died a few months later and he never got to say sorry face to face.

    Try get her into therapy with someone who actually knows about narcissistic personality disorder. He will eventually get you out of her life they are smart in what they do but their predicable. Don’t tell him you know he’s a narc or he’ll twist it and make out to everyone you’re the narc.

    Wishing you all the best, just keep showing her love and support.
    You need to try work fast though before he tries to get her pregnant and uses their child as a weapon, that’s what happened with my partner, luckily now he has full custody but he was trapped for many many years. Both of them have PTSD because of the awful thongs she did to them. They both still get nightmares most nights amd been in lots of therapy. If you can get her to watch some documentaries that should help alot.

11. As a father, I understand your predicament and how difficult it must be. I think the only thing you can do is just be there for her, and find a way to be an ever presence without being too imposing. She has to make her own choices. She is learning, and sometimes the best lessons in life are the hardest ones. All part of growing. I think you know in your heart of hearts that this relationship is dead in the water, you just need to continue to be there, and be ready to catch her when she falls. Its tough.

12. I see a lot of really good advice here, so mine is to just continuing loving her and modeling what a good SO is like (like standing up for your wife for example) and letting her know you are there for her whenever she needs and she can trust and rely on you without shame for getting help or the situation she’s. Maybe remind her of how relieved she is when they’re broken up. If she’s feeling low and is open to advice, ask her what advice she’d give to her best friend or sibling who was in a relationship with someone who made them miserable and broke up with them constantly and begged them to take them back. Ask if she thinks her friend deserves to be treated that way or if she deserves better, then ask your daughter if she thinks SHE deserves to be treated that way or if she deserves better. Refer back to the advice she would give to a friend and encourage her to take that advice for herself.

13. As the daughter that was in an abusive relationship, leaving is really hard. I had a kid with my abuser. He got into my head and it was really hard leaving because I was nearly successfully isolated from my family and friends I was 20 when we met, and it was.. a spiral. I got pregnant to soon, my self-esteem was ruined (if I put make up on, he’d make fun of me and tell me I looked like a clown, made me believe that I was lucky he gave me attention because I was ugly and my sister is a lot more attractive than me).

    My family pulled away from me, my friends were never around me anymore… and it was truly a lonely experience. He didn’t get physically abusive with me until the day I left him. He had an “if I can’t have you, no one can” mentality and.. towards the end, he was threatening the safety of my family if I didn’t take him back. (After he beat me to the point of fracturing my skull by my eye socket, he broke my elbow, and dragged me by my hair to look at myself in the mirror.. it was terrifying, so I took his threats to my friends and family very seriously).

    What I needed.. was to not feel so trapped. Therapy helped me immensely, going no contact except for court was good (I got sole custody with no access because of how bad the assault was).. it was really hard though. So.. just be the best support and be a soft place to land for her.

14. You should encourage her to get into therapy (offer to pay, make the appointment, etc). You can say ‘I don’t like how he talks to you’, but until she sees it, much will push her away. Therapy will help her get her voice, see her worth, etc. And, will break the cycle that makes her think she deserves this. You’re a good dad. It’s not you, she’s just been manipulated

15. I suggest that you help your daughter learn about narcissits, send her articles and information. Send her to therapy, so she can further delve into why she is allowing herself to be with him. Knowledge is power.
    She will soon be able to see how his behaviours are toxic, and how she is not in a healthy relationship [that’s if she doesn’t already know]

    Also! Reinforce positive and healthy behaviours as her dad, and male in her life. Let her see from you what a healthy relationship looks like. Communicate w her as much as possible and please don’t allow her to get distant, as it’s harder to reach out.

    If you both have a good relationship, please express fully to her that you are just trying to help her learn as much as she can, about relationships and people, because at the end of the day, you are her dad…and you want her to be in a healthy and thriving relationship with herself and loved ones.

    As a parent, i would hope that these things give my children enough knowledge to make an informed decision. Sometimes when you are at that age, you are blind.. i was like that..and i really wish someone slowed me down and made me think about all the little things that I kept denying. Chances are she already knows it’s hopeless…but it makes no sense holding on.. he isn’t gonna change and it would get worst. (Speaking from experience)

    I wish you all the love and patience you need. Take deep breaths and speak to her with love and understanding.

16. I would say beat his @zz. It sounds like he could use one, and your daughter at this point needs to understand that it isn’t healthy for her to be in such a relationship and she needs to move on and if she can’t unfortunately she will learn a hard way which would be devastating.

17. Does she know what a narcissist is? You should have her watch some educational content on narcissistic abuse. Someone told me my ex was a narcissist I had no idea what that meant. I was very confused and said what do you mean. They said they think he is abusing me and sent me a definition and told me to take a break from the relationship and educate myself on abuse. I listened to them. I went on YouTube and typed in narcissist and learned that I was a victim of narcissistic abuse. My current therapist thinks he is a sociopath. Sometimes you need to be clear with people so they understand the real extent of what they are going through. I hope she is okay in the end and honestly I hope she runs away. Narcissists goal is to take everything (your confidence, your financial stability, your friends, your family, your freedom) from you and they have emotional and physically abusive tendencies.

18. I can only recommend a book on relationships ‘Finding A Guy Like Gilbert’..could you maybe give her the book as a subtle hint that maybe this guy is jot good for her..deals with letting go of toxic men and moving on???

19. Try talking to your daughter calmly about what you’ve noticed and in a way where she can understand what the situation even is. It’s important to gain her agreement that she is feeling negative things about the relationship.

20. Perhaps suggest some movies/videos for to watch.. maybe not even suggest but put on shows that show his type of behavior. Let her see the similarities and hopefully realize guys like him can become dangerous and may never change. I don’t recommend lying, but maybe look up a recent story or someone who has been through it and bring it up in conversation with your wife in front of her. Things that will peak her interest. “Oh honey, did you hear about “someone”? Her bf/fiance/husband was doing this and this, she did this, and now she’s this..” Put it in another perspective. What if it was your friend “close friend’s name”? What would you do/feel/say if her boyfriend treated her that way?

21. Hi, daughter who was with a narcissist. What I needed from my parents at that time was understanding. Understanding that while yes, I KNOW this relationship is bad, I just don’t want to be alone. And he makes me feel like without him, I will be alone. Understand that you can not be there for every need your daughter has, but let her know that you’ll be there however you CAN. During their next breakup, plan a date for her. Let her know one of your friend’s son’s is going to come by and he’d like to take her for coffee. She might say no. Or she’ll go. But what she needs is to realize that even without him, there will be someone else. Someone better. Maybe someone worse. But it won’t be him anymore. Talk to her about narcissism. Explain qualities of narcissism that you see in him. She may get defensive and disagree, but I promise as time goes on, she’ll research it. She will learn. Just plant the seed. And kick him out. Letting him stay in your home, for whatever reason, makes you an enabler. Legally go about it so he can’t screw you over. She will never get rid of him if he’s allowed there all the time. Set boundaries in your own home. He is not allowed there. He will not step foot in, on, or around my property. Oh and she’ll fuss about that. Maybe say you’re ruining her life. But she’ll learn. Learn that you were looking out for her. Let her know she is not the problem at all, and nothing is her fault. That’s basically it

22. I just got out of a relationship with a narcissist, pathological liar, possible sociopath. He would manipulate me then gaslight. I am 39 years old and I just figured out how to establish boundaries. It took my mother dying; who was a narcissist that I enabled my whole life. It took me realizing that I didn’t have any more time left to waste. It would’ve been more helpful if my father would have been more honest and upfront with me about what he really thought instead of being a sound board. It took all of my friends of 20 years expressing their hatred of my ex. It took me going to therapy and having an honest heart to heart with my brother, who is my hero. He explained to me that it was beneath me to stay in a situation just because it was easier than venturing out on my own again. Your daughter has to see that her relationship isn’t normal, it’s abusive, and she can do better or be alone. She is in the young prime of her life and she is wasting precious time. She will look back on this and regret the time she has wasted on this man. Tell her to see what he does if she decides just to take a break from him so he can work on himself while she goes to therapy. She will see his true colors then, because he doesn’t want to change, he just wants control. He will flip out, throw a tantrum, and get downright nasty or physically abusive. Do everything you can to get her out now.

23. It didn’t work right away, I left a year or so later but I remember what my dad said to me. I remember quietly crying to myself for the hundredth time. He came up to me really gently and said “you don’t have to feel this way.” I remember the kindness and softness with which he said it. My dad and I have never had a good relationship, but I carried those words with me. It helped me in the end.

24. This is a really hard position to be in. I think the best thing you can do for her, unless she gets into a very dangerous situation and needs intervention in the moment, is be there for her. Let her talk to you about the problems she’s having and point out the things she says that he does that are harmful – but pushing her to leave often won’t make it happen. It can be really hard to tamp down the urge to go “this is abuse, gtfo”, but it can make victims start keeping it to themselves unless they’re actively ready to leave. Something like “It really sounds like he hurts you when he lies to you, how are you doing with that? Do you need anything?” rather than “He’s a liar, run!” is more productive and makes the victim feel safer confiding in you.

    It can be really painful to watch people keep going back and getting hurt – make sure you also have support systems. You could offer to help her find a therapist if she’s struggling, but it may help *you* to see one as well to help process this experience – they might also have useful advice for how to handle this.

25. Beyond the other great advice you’ve been given, I would just emphasize how important it is for fathers to role model the kind of behavior a woman should expect and want. Being that example to her mother (and, in some ways, to her or any sisters she might have) is invaluable. Also, purposely showing her other healthy, thriving relationships (where the husband cares for the wife in the right ways and where the woman appreciates the positive treatment) and discussing that with her is a great reinforcement. When they are pointed out to her and they are reflected upon, she will then have real-life examples that will pop into her mind at key times when his behavior does not match those examples and the ideal. And, as we all know, the people we are with help shape our views, our actions, our outlooks. Do what you can to set up opportunities and to encourage her to interact in groups of positive, balanced peers who can be role models for her – above and beyond you and her mother. The more good examples she sees, the more obvious that bad examples of interactions and treatment will be.to her when she is with him.

    I have not been able to read all of your replies, but does this young man have a father or father figure in his life? If so, do you have contact with him and have the potential to employ his help? Or is some of this behavior a result of not having stable healthy male examples for him to observe?

    When I was younger, I wasn’t in anything like you’re describing. But, there were times when my dad wanted to say some things to a boyfriend or two. I was mortified and did everything I could to prevent my dad from doing so. In hindsight, I was in the wrong, and I wish my dad had done a lot more to set things straight, prevent certain situations from happening, and to stand up to protect me. I know there is a fine balance to all of this – as too strong of an approach by you may push her away. But, I wish I had seen more of a reminder through the years of how I was supposed to be defended, protected, and treated well. It would have prevented me from entering into certain situations, and it would have prevented me from staying in certain situations for far too long – where certain words and treatment was ingrained into my head and have lingered far too long and, at times, affected how I thought of myself.

    Yes, I understand what some are saying about her being an adult. But, you are also her father and will be her father her whole life. That relationship and those responsibilities don’t end when a child becomes an adult. The conversations and approaches may shift and change, but they don’t end. I just wanted to give you some encouragement that you are trying to do the right thing, and I applaud you. I am sure this causes you to be worried and weary, but I encourage you to keep on. It may not be evident on the surface at all times, but deep down, she will be grateful you are trying to fight for her best interest and that will remain with her – even if she tries to find her own way for a bit. I wish you the best in trying to help your daughter. You are a good dad.

26. Take him shoe shopping. Perhaps something like concrete

27. Unfortunately, unless she’s willing to move on, there’s not much you can do as they say love is blind. It’s also deaf, dumb and stupid at times.

    He sounds like a horrible person. The only thing I can suggest is if there are friends she’s still in contact with who could talk to her reach out to them and find out if they can get some alone time with her and talk their concerns because at 20 years of age, I think she’s more likely to listen to friends than parents. she has to have some time away from him whether it’s Work school or some other activity where someone can talk to her while he’s not around

    I wish you all the best because these toxic people know exactly what to say, and how to act to control the people around them

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