TL;DR I feel ashamed about wanting to be with other people and feel wrong about potentially hurting my gf when it’s not her, it’s me.
My (26m) gf (27f) and I have been together since high school. We met each other when I was 17, and since then we’ve been a strong couple. We moved together 6-7 years ago when we were both going to university and we’ve stuck together this whole time.
It all sounds like we are just perfect for each other and we’re each other’s soulmate, but I’m considering breaking up with her, and honestly I have been for quite a while.
The thing is… I’m bored. It’s not that she’s not a very kind person, that she does things that annoy me or something like that, or that I think I could somehow do better. I’m just kind of bored. I honestly look forward to the times where I’m alone, and when we are home together I often opt to stay in a separate room to her, which understandably leaves her disgruntled.
Sex has kind of dried up somewhat as well as I presume it often does, but for me more importantly, I have the urge to be with other people. And I feel ashamed by it.
Of course as the years have gone by we’ve talked about marriage and kids. She’s very keen to get kids asap and get a house somewhere in the country. I honestly can’t see myself becoming a father anytime soon and picture myself staying in the city for many years to come.
Honestly, at this point I feel like the only thing holding me back from breaking up with her is how complicated it would be to leave each other after so many years and more importantly, how I really don’t want to hurt her. She hasn’t done anything wrong and I feel like a terrible person for not wanting to be with her anymore.
I don’t know what to gain from posting this, but I feel like I needed to voice my thoughts somewhere.
4 comments
I learned about this in psychology when I was in college. Can’t remember the name of it but basically it’s a bias we develop that we’ve put X amount of time into a relationship so why would we leave? Even if you’re not your happiest, you know this person like the back of your hand and vice versa. And the outside world is scary and unkind so it’s easier to just stay together most of the time.
People can grow together through the years but they can also grow apart. It seems like that’s what happening here. I left my ex after 6 years and it was hard for a while but now I’m married and expecting a baby. My husband and I have similar values and share similar goals and timelines for our lives where as my ex and I were on 2 different pages, like it seems to be with you and your partner.
It’s okay to start over no matter your age. Good luck OP.
>at this point I feel like the only thing holding me back from breaking up with her is how complicated it would be to leave each other
That is not a good reason not to do it.
>how I really don’t want to hurt her.
The longer you delay this, the more it will hurt. She’s thinking babies and houses, and you are thinking breakup. Every month that goes by will make it more devastating for her.
If you’re not open to resolving your boredom and if you don’t have the courage to be honest about not being ready to be a father or take the relationship further, the sooner you end it the better. You’re not a bad person for not wanting to be in a relationship, but you are responsible for your own feelings and you do owe your partner some basic respect. So do your best to explain that your feelings have changed, there’s nothing she can do to change your mind, and that you wish her the best and are sorry things didn’t work out
I’m not saying you shouldn’t break up, but you’ll almost definitely regret doing so in 5 years.
Have you actually tried to do things that will satisfy you in other parts of your life? Have you talked to her about the sex stuff? Like, your post is basically asking permission to break up with your girlfriend. Are you this passive and reticent to take ownership for your decisions everywhere in your life?