My husband and I have been financially stressed a little as I’m on maternity leave. I only get 156 a week so I can’t financially help with rent and bills as much as before which puts a strain on my husband. I do return to work soon but since my daughter was born we havent gone out or done anything mostly because no baby sitter.
So my MIL said she’d babysit while my daughter is asleep so we can go have a valentines dinner. We’ll, my husband has been doing nothing but complaining. Stressing about spending money, stressing If our baby will cry and be inconsolable if she wakes and his moms there, stressing because he could have worked that day. Stressing because next month is my bday and mother’s day.
I literally told him forget it i don’t want to do anything and now he’s mad at me. Am I wrong for not wanting to go now? It’s like what’s the point it doesn’t feel fun.
31 comments
I wouldn’t want to feel like I’m forcing someone to enjoy and spend time w me either
Girl, take yourself out and let him watch the damn baby.
That might have been an opportunity for you to support your husband and reassure him, rather than being passive aggressive. New parenthood is stressful for both parents……
If you like MIL – let her babysit for an hour or two.
You two go out for something that costs very little. Go for a beer. For cup of coffee. Go for a walk alone in the park – hold hands and walk. Don’t go for something that costs a lot of money – that will add stress. This is not the time for that.
We used to go out for a beer and onion rings – that is all we could afford. The common experience of watching a tight budget together made us bond together. Much better than him just spending $$ on me. I look back on those days when our budget was tight (young family on one income) – and glad we watched the finances together and did not take on a lot of debt.
It really sounds like your husband wants to make you happy, but there isn’t room in the budget, so he’s prioritizing. He feels he HAS to get Mother’s Day and your birthday right, and Valentine’s Day isn’t as important. He’s stressed because you’re making Valentine’s Day a priority. Now he has to find room in the budget for Valentine’s day, too. Unfortunately now he’s trapped because he knows you want this. The only way out for him is to not do Valentine’s day, which doesn’t work because he would be disappointing you. He’s in a no-win situation. That’s why he’s complaining.
You two are stressed with the non-stop baby care and less money coming in and that stress can make us snap at each other. I’m not saying it’s good behavior coming from him but sometimes we just let things roll off like water on a duck’s back. He’s a first-timer so he’s overly cautious, but babies are actually quite resilient. Try to be calm, tell him it’s okay and that we can do this.
Your mom’s raised a baby before and that baby somehow survived to become you.
And if ithings are tight, it’s perfectly okay to downshift the meal out. In the Midwest, White Castle sets up white table cloths and flowers for v-day dinner there and they even take reservations. I think that’s kinda fun. Our first date for my wife and I was at Wendys. And even today we can make a meal fun even at Habit Burger or In-n-Out. I’m not saying it has to be fast food, you could go to Panera or something fast casual like that and the conversation and mood is all from the two of you.
You both sound stressed. Money is a huge stressor in relationships. Why don’t you take some of the stress off eachother by doing something affordable you plan together. Is there any place that has coupons? Could you use scene points or something for a movie? What about a homemade picnic?
Express to him that you are feeling like he doesn’t want to connect as a couple and that hurts you. Clarify what it is that is stress about these events. If it’s planning and money ( makes sense because newborn and budget) than help with with valentines and give reasonable expectations so he has less weight on his mind
Why does taking you out for Valentines day equate to him missing work?
Yeah, I’d skip it this year too. His anger sounds misdirected though, it sounds like he’s frustrated with the situation but not with you. You didn’t do anything.
I certainly don’t think you are wrong. Alone time together or floated lose almost all value when they bring stress instead if relieve it.
That said, I think you can learn from this and talk with him. Make it clear you don’t ever waste much money and wanting one good day/night with him isnt much. He needs to let you destress by enjoying it and not piling on more stress. You could also work on communicating that sooner before you reach your breaking point next time.
I also acknowledge he is stressed about providing for his family. That is a noble reason to be stressed out. It can almost be impossible for some people (mainly men) to ignore. So working with him better in the future to communicate before it reaches this point would be good.
You aren’t wrong. I probably would have said the same thing. Truthfully tho, it might be good for you guys to get out for a bit even if you don’t go to dinner. With his stress and behavior he’s creating a tense environment, maybe he just needs some reassurance that’s everything going to be fine and you’ll be back to work soon.
So y’all are low on money, your husband is pulling extra hours, y’all have a new born and you’re main focus is Vday plans? Be a better partner, y’all have more important things to worry about. Y’all could stay in and watch a movie together, and that should suffice. Your situation won’t always be this chaotic and y’all get some semblance of your life back, but this year you have to tailor expectations. Jesus.
The point is I said hey let’s not and HES mad not me
Do you live comfortably or paycheck to paycheck?
No I’ve had the same fights with my spouse. You aren’t the jerk, but don’t let him get away with this either. Part of birthdays and holidays is a person thinking bout you and making you happy. To stop doing that is not good for a relationship. I let me husband get away with it, but he never let up on his side. He was always ok with someone making a fuss of him, he only complained if he had to rise up off the couch. I changed and simply said, I no longer want to hear the BS. Holiday is coming, you will be doing something for me, kids, etc. Deal with it and shut up about it. He can put his big boy pants on and figure out something. It doesn’t have to cost, it only has to show he cares about you. He’s trying to guilt you into him getting his way and it is not cool.
> I literally told him forget it i don’t want to do anything
I understand why you went hard on him. It’s very frustrating and very understandable.
But what he needed from you is softness. To believe in him and reassure him that you’ll get through this together.
That’s why he’s mad.
Info:
How do you respond to his communicating his financial stress?
Did you suggest any low cost/free date options?
It sounds like you are both being reactionary to your feelings instead of trying to be there and support each other.
It’s perfectly normal for him to be anxious about leaving your baby for the first time. It’s also understandable why he’s feeling overwhelming financial stress right now too.
You just need to talk it out from a place of compassion and hear what the other is feeling and find a compromise.
Men need reassurance too, especially if they are afraid of failing the family financially.
You fell for the emotional game. Don’t always act on emotion.
The baby will survive, even if it cries, while you are out. Life will go on …. fast!
So apologize, have fun, be grateful for the babysitter, and deep inside you’ll be worried about your beautiful baby, which is normal. But Happy Valentine’s Day!
I wouldn’t wanna go either if he’s not really wanting to go (and sounds like he doesn’t really want to). Why does he have to miss work? Could MIL take the baby for a couple hours and you guys get coffee or just drinks or something? That could be special and not super expensive or time consuming. Honestly for holidays like Valentine’s Day, its more important to me personally to “feel” special than anything else. Maybe MIL could watch the baby and you two have a nice, candlelit dinner at home and then a movie together? Maybe you could write him a handwritten note? He could do a thoughtful gesture instead of an expensive gift? I think lots of people (not saying you specifically) miss the point of these holidays. Its more about spending some quality time together and a nice thoughtful gesture. Doesn’t need to include spending money at all imo.
oooff the first couple of months of a new baby is stressful for everyone. I get that he is stressed about money, maybe see if you two can come up with a compromise together. Like instead of going out to a dinner you MIL watches the baby and you guys make a picnic and go somewhere else like a park if it is not winter there or go to a sit down at a nicer restaurant and just do drinks and appetizers, of a coffee shop with couches and just sit and talk with a coffee and a scone. and then for mothers day tell him you want something handmade, my husband always buys me a card and has daughter sign it even when she was little.
For Christmas one year I made him an ornament; it was a clear 50 cent ones from Walmart, took her tiny and foot and printed it on there with paint and stuffed it with her hospital hat and bracelet.
and for your birthday he could make you a nice/favorite dinner at home and take care of the baby for the night.
There are so many things that could be done that involve little or no money at all that mean the most. we still put that ornament up on the tree and smile about it and our daughter is almost 8
but the first couple of months are very hard, you are both at your wits end with being tired, the crying, the body changing, the lack of intimacy and not just sex, the overall lack of it because of the baby. you have to remember that you are both struggling, so lean on each other for that support. I wish you both the best of luck with parenthood, good news is it doesn’t get easier LOL
Valentines doesn’t have to be an expensive time out. you could have MIL watch the baby for a couple hours and have some time alone. Watch a movie together , get appetizers and drinks, have a romantic dinner at home. It’s the time you spend together that’s important not so much what you do.
Let MIL babysit. You can always make a nice dinner at home. Candle light. Music. Even if all you can afford is Mac & cheese. Best times in my life were when we had nothing. Made romance over ramen. Low lights (we were saving on power bill). Candles so we could see what we were eating. And played our favorite radio station. Laughed and talked and ate and danced. It was wonderful. Snuggle on the couch and watch a movie. Enjoy some low matinence time together. This is how both of you destress a bit. And reconnect. Then resume baby duty later. Work ect.
Make it cheap and Spend time together. Let your husband know that you are supporting him and that you appreciate his hard work etc. he is just stressed bc it’s everything financially is on his shoulders and sounds like you are barely able to make ends meet.
As a man our primary responsibility is to be the provider and if we can’t do that it can becomes a huge struggle mentally as you don’t think you are doing enough
Saying “fine, forget it” would tell me you’re mad and that would stress me out. My wife does the same thing
when he’s constantly complaining about it, i wouldn’t want to go either
You guys should have financially planned for your maternity leave, firstly. Secondly its a household income with household expenses.
You carried and birthed a child, he doesnt get to act like life is hard on him.
Hes stressed, I get it. Going out doesn’t have to cost much if anything. But dont just get mad and pout, vocalize your feelings and expectations to him.
Omg for sure this guy needs a bit of a break. Sounds way too stressed out. MIL can handle a baby for a few hours
No you’re not an a hole.
Huh?How is he mad at you? I wouldn’t want to go out with someone who would make me feel guilty and resented either.
Going out should reduce your stress.
You don’t have to spend money.
Go to a free museum. Your MIL can handle a baby, she has done it.
You and your husband need to spend some adult time.
I get money is tight. It need not be expensive. Tell him this year a card for birthday and Mother’s day is enough.
Treasure one another and take some time to enjoy one another.