I’m black and my boyfriend’s white. We were discussing where we want to live in the coming years and he suggested Boulder CO, Boise Idaho, Montana. I responded that those places are “just so white”. He feels that was a messed up thing to say and that choosing to live somewhere based on race makes him uncomfortable. And also that we should ”relish in bringing diversity to neighborhoods”. I don’t really know what to do. I feel very much unseen.
29 comments
>I feel very much unseen
That often happens with interracial relationships. You can only try to explain that you’d like to live somewhere you often see others like yourself just as he’d like to. If he still doesn’t get it, you may need to rethink if you’re a good fit long term. I hope all goes well.
Tell him you want to move to Jackson, MS or Detroit, MI.
I mean, easy for him to relish the diversity when he’s not the one that will bear the brunt of it.
I think your phrasing is off- you would like a more culturally diverse neighborhood. You would like to be able to see people who look like you and would like the same for your children. You want to be able to have access to a salon that understands your hair, have access to beauty products for your skin, and have a diverse array of backgrounds. You don’t want to live somewhere where people ask to touch your hair. You would like to have a friend group that includes people who have had similar experiences.
I’m white and I also value diversity. Plus, the food choices are much better in multi cultural towns.
I’m Chicana and I agree with you. No one wants to be the one spec of color in a sea of white. I would rather not spend most of my time explaining what microagressions are and why it’s important that they pronounce my name correctly. In my experience, being the one POC isn’t just uncomfortable, it can be dangerous. Hard pass for me
There are plenty of places with beautiful landscapes AND beautiful diversity.
You might want to point out to your BF that Idaho has beautiful landscapes and many, many white supremists/militias. Also, Idaho permits the open carrying of handguns on the person with no permit or license. Not the kind of beautiful landscapes you’re probably thinking of as a POC.
Your safety is important and it’s usually not by coincidence that some areas aren’t diverse.
Why is he saying “we should relish” when he’s not bringing any diversity? Lol. No one wants to be the token of the neighborhood.
I’m a WOC and agree with you, I’m not living anywhere that’s all white people and I’m one of a few black people.
You should avoid the shit out of Idaho, that’s for sure.
It is also not your job to bring diversity or educate others on diversity. It is a burden too often expected of women and minorities to spend their time and energy explaining it. You shouldnt have to do this in a relationship too… You might want to point that out to him and ask him to do his own research and learning. He will never be able to know or understand what is like to be you but he can do some learning.
There are other places in Colorado that have better diversity than Boulder, there are some great areas just outside that area like Brighton, Thornton, and Westminster. Boulder is an expensive college town.
One black woman in a state full of white people is not going to bring diversity. What it is going to do is bring racial prejudice and make you a target of that prejudice. If your boyfriend actually cared about your safety and comfort, he would choose a place that has a balance of races, and there are plenty of places you can pick. You and he should look for urban cities where there are mixed couples, same sex couples and are already diverse. It is not up to you to be the instrument of change. If he doesn’t understand that, you need to reevaluate your relationship. He is putting you in danger.
Great, he can relish in bringing the diversity to a predominantly black area 🙂
Your guy sucks. My white bf would never brush me off for something like this. There are places in this world, local and not, where I genuinely don’t feel safe as a mixed race and currently-clockable-trans guy, and my partner (cis) has never disregarded me when I’ve expressed even mild discomfort to him in certain situations. Your bf needs to do better.
He’s not the one who would be in the extreme minority position. I grew up in a very conservative white town and even though I am half white I had a horrible experience getting bullied growing up; it was horribly isolating and I don’t wish that on anyone. It’s just reality given the state of half the country, and I feel like things have only gotten more extreme.
It’s also fairly condescending for him as a white guy to expect you to be the one to bring diversity, like, that’s no one person’s responsibility and I only ever hear this from non-minorities who refuse to hear reason -_-
I’m white and I think your boyfriend is missing the point a lot.
Why don’t you try to find places that meet his criteria (I think you said elsewhere scenery was important to him) and also fit yours. Do some research and present him with options.
I also think you, unfortunately, need to explain to him the risks you might face in a majority white area. It sucks that POC are always having to explain these issues and I’m really sorry you are experiencing that with your partner right now. He needs to be fully aware of your reality.
Not the same but my husband and I have different perspectives on safety. There are places I don’t feel comfortable walking alone at night that he’s fine with. We had to have a discussion when looking for a place to live that recognized my safety concerns and he’s been great since (except remembering to lock the door at night lol). If I’m coming home from work late he’s even offered to meet me off the metro if I feel at all uncomfortable which is lovely.
A lot of people don’t recognize their privilege because they never experience what others do. It takes time to educate and it shouldn’t be on you to do so. It’s very much unfair and I’m sorry.
Black person here that went to a majority white college (the actual city was like under 10% other) with a population of like 15% other. Umm they didn’t like us. Obviously not all of them but they hung nooses from their frat houses and other places to keep us away. They had confederate statues all over campus.They threw bleach on random ppl of color and this was in 2008 so it wasn’t like it was the 60’s. Most of them never met one of us and I swear they acted like we were mythological creatures that didn’t actually exist soooo yea. I don’t think he understands how scary that is for us. Not saying that’ll happen but I’d hope he’d understand wanting some representation.
So… he thinks it’s messed up that you want to live in a more racially diverse place, but is apparently totally cool with subjecting you to the substantial racism that exists in rural white America. Not okay.
While Boise is the less-bad part of Idaho, and Missoula, MT is pretty accepting, neither is a place I would advise any of my black friends to move to “just because.” Boulder isn’t any better. He clearly likes the mountain west – I would talk to him about the greater Seattle area, parts of Oregon, and Northern Cali. He can get mountains AND some diversity, it’s just tough. I live in Missoula, and was born in Great Falls – where there’s more diversity due to the large Air Force base. Racism still runs rampant. My little sister is biracial and living in Montana was hell for her growing up. She’s much happier living in a big city now.
I grew up half white in a white community-it was rough. My husband and I moved to a major city in the east with high diversity so that our kids wouldn’t have to deal with that. You don’t have to fight the fight of diversifying the west if you don’t want to.
Good lord. It’s not your job to diversify the suburbs. You need to live somewhere you feel comfortable.
>And also that we should ”relish in bringing diversity to neighborhoods”
Your boyfriend seems to think he deserves a pat on the back for not dating in his own race? You’re not a diversity project and the fact that he doesn’t see what he’s doing is sad.
You feel unseen because you are unseen. That’s what happens when you date someone who’s “colorblind.”
You have two options: struggle to make him see you or let him go.
Boulder or Montana (but it’s a big state so pick a location). Stay away from Boise, it sucks. If you want diversity of population and he wants mountains it may be hard to find a compromise spot. Maybe LA or somewhere in northern New Mexico
Diversity is ideal, but no one wants to BE the diversity. Especially in far-right militia country. White privilege is strong in this one.
I wouldn’t want to live somewhere where I was the minority in an entire community. Stand your ground.
Nope, perhaps you guy’s are not compatible.
I 💯 consider how diverse a place is when considering whether or not it would be a good place for my family to move to. I grew up as a very obvious minority, experienced enough racism to now want to blend in wherever we live. He wouldn’t understand it unless he’s lived it or experienced it first-hand. I prefer to see a a wide variety of races and hear multiple different languages spoken when running errands, it’s lovely. Now if only I could visit all the different countries without spending a fortune.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to live in a diverse area. I vacationed in Boca Raton and it felt so white it was smothering *and I’m also white*. I’m just from Chicago and enjoy living in a diverse neighborhood.
He’s probably just a sheltered idiot. But that “I don’t see color” thing is bullshit
“choosing to live somewhere based on race makes him uncomfortable”
How awful for him that he felt uncomfortable. Unlike you living in Whitetopia. And…you should be delighted to be the only Black person? WTactualF.
I’m sorry, OP. This is definitely something to address now. Before this relationship goes any further. You deserve someone who has your back 1000%. Thus ain’t it.
My youngest (21F) is white and her fiancé (23F) is black. They decided, as a couple, where they wanted to live. Both of their families live in Texas so they knew they wanted to live here. They sat down and had an adult conversation about where in Texas they wanted to live. They decided on a town about 2 hours away from my family and 1 hour away from hers. The town is mixed race and excepting of the LGBTQ+ community, so it makes both of them feel comfortable together and individually.
It’s not rocket science to sit down and have an adult conversation about where you should live that makes both people in a relationship comfortable. It sounds like your boyfriend isn’t willing to do that. If that’s the case, then he’s not mature enough for a relationship in the first place. Relationships are about compromise and if he’s not willing to have a conversation about making a compromise that you’re BOTH comfortable with, then he’s not worth your time.
Side note: I grew up as a military brat so had no understanding of racism for the longest time. We didn’t have it as kids because everyone came from different places so we didn’t “see” skin color as a big deal. My soon to be daughter in law answers my questions about what she’s had to deal with and what the black community’s problems have been with racism.
Both of the girls (and yes I call them girls and they don’t have a problem with it lol), also, explain the issues the LGBTQ+ community has to deal with and how to properly address people with different pronouns. They tell me it’s refreshing that someone from my generation WANTS to learn and will ask them questions. Of course I want to learn, I grew up with everything being “Sir” and “Ma’am” but times have changed.