[reposted from AITA after removal, now with corrections.]
Hello all, I’m fairly new to posting on reddit and I’m on mobile so please forgive any mistakes.
My son [28M] has been married to his high-school sweetheart Olivia [26F] (fake name) for 5 years now. two weeks ago was my son’s birthday, he went out of state with some of his community college friends to spend time at a resort. Olivia had chosen to stay in-state as she is heavily pregnant with twins and high risk [7 months]. I told my son to cancel the trip and stay with his wife, but she insisted they go have fun. So, I insisted she stay with me so she can stay in bed and she accepted with some pushing. Now, I love Olivia. she is sweet, respectful, and like a daughter to me. Her own parents were not great, so we bonded easily as she dated my son. We talk daily and see each other often.
After my son got home from his trip, I could tell something was off. he wouldn’t accept any drinks I offered him, refused to kiss Olivia instead giving awkward hugs, and was overall incredibly cautious. I asked him over and over why he’s acting so strange but he beat around my questions and went home with Olivia. Throughout the following week Olivia would tell me more of my son’s odd behavior. He moved into the guest bedroom, refused to eat any of her meals, refused any kind of intimacy, etc. Whenever I spoke to my son about it I got one word awnsers or he would ignore the topic completely.
this week he came to my home in tears, clutching a folder filled with visibly crumpled papers. After calming him down he told me that on his birthday trip his college friends hooked him up with multiple “workers”. he never used protection with any of them and didn’t think anything of it until he started burning. apparently he contracted 2 “STIs” [Gonorrhea and HPV]. I was blunt in why he was telling me and not his wife pregnant with twins. That’s when he begged me not to tell her about his affairs and to let him stay with me while he treated his infections.
I flat out told him NO and that if he wasn’t going to tell his wife, I will. He then got angry, shouting and crying saying how I’m going to rip his family apart before it’s even started because I refuse to let him have any fun. he accused me of favoring Oliva and wanting to separate him from his children as I did to his own father. (This was not true and another story). I had to call on my neighbor whom I am close witn to help escort my son out of my home. edit: I did find the papers he brought and they were not medical results but instead bank statements.
I’m thinking about how this will hurt Olivia and possibly her twins by telling her and maybe my son is right, so please help me find a way to do this with minimal damage to my dear family.
[TLDR: my son went on a birthday trip with college friends, spent the week hooking up with s-workers. he caught 2 STIs and is saying I’m ruining his family by making him tell her or I will.]
29 comments
How pregnant is she and are there any complications? Whilst I think she should know you need to consider if the stress of finding out could put her at risk medically.
NTA
There isn’t treatment for HPV and she has the right to know about her risks of exposure to it especially being pregnant as it can be transmitted during childbirth though that risk is very low. HE chose to take these risks and the fact that he doesn’t want to tell her is concerning as to what risks he’s exposing her to or at least willing to expose her to without informing her. He made choices and he has to pay the consequences. You care about her and absolutely care about her safety here.
I would absolutely tell if this was my sibling trying to hide it.
ETA: There are things that can’t be tested for right away and can take 6 months to show up on in testing which means he could be putting her at risk for a number of other things that haven’t *actually* been properly tested for yet…
I’d tell her. You’re not ripping his family apart, his gross ass behavior is. Sleeping with hookers and then saying you’re to blame if she leaves? Sounds like a spoiled baby man. I’d just be honest. “Son came over and revealed he has 2 stds, one of which is permanent and can cause you cervical cancer, from some hookers he slept with on his vacation. I’m so sorry hes trash, but you’re more than welcome to stay with me anytime.”
I would definitely tell her. She should get tested immediately and im sure he cheated on her before, this is not the first time. No matter what people tell you, it’s NOT your fault when they get divorced. It’s your son’s fault and only his fault, no one else’s. He doesn’t love nor respect your DIL. She deserves better and tbh i wouldn’t even want that much contact with a son like that. He doesn’t deserve any support
Well you sure can’t let him giver her gonorrhea or hpv. He tore his family up when he raw dogged a sex worker. You have to tell her right now.
You are doing the right thing. He could pass the HPV onto her and it could cause cancer
SHE ABSOLUTELY MUST KNOW. HPV can cause some cancers, and if your son’s immune system doesn’t clear it, he’s stuck with it forever.
He definitely doesn’t need to be exposing his pregnant wife to that crap. I shudder to think what it could do to the little ones.
He went on this trip intending to cheat on his heavily-pregnant wife? Seeing multiple sex workers without protection is his idea of fun? That’s some good husband/father behavior there. /s
How about chuck him and adopt your DIL? Your boy’s acting like a complete scumbag, and if his marriage fails abysmally, YOU won’t be at fault for it.
It is awful that your son put you in this position. He really needs to grow up. If he wants to have his fun, then he should leave his wife. You really are in a tough spot. I think his wife has a right to know that she has been exposed to STIs. My guess is this isn’t the first time he has cheat. This is probably just the first time he is coming so close to being caught with the STIs. So, if you don’t tell her, the chances that he will continue to cheat are probably high. Continue to offer support to your DIL no matter what the outcome. Maybe she will leave him, but she will probably still need your help and support. Let her know that whatever she decides, you’ll be there for her and the babies. Offer her a place to stay. Good luck OP. Please keep us updated.
Updateme
Please let her know. But before make sure you start off slow and ask her if she is ok with you revealing why your son has been acting strange. Let her know that you got her back and that you are will tell her because you believe she deserves to know. Please don’t feel guilty. Your son is probably a loving person and made a mistake, but as the grandma of the soon to be born twins please make the right choice and inform their mother of this. It’s her health and hpv in non curable. Men rarely get effected by this but women develope cancer in some cases. Put yourself in her shoes and what would you prefer if you were her. To know and to be able to work things out or leave your husband but with facts or simply be kept in the dark and possibly get cancer and an sti
You’re not ruining anything. He did that all by himself when he decided because he wasn’t capable of being an adult and refusing to have “fun” himself. This is all on him, and…look…if it ain’t those damned chickens coming home to roost!
This is heartbreaking, I’ll pray for you all FWIW. I’m so sorry about your son’s actions, just know that it has nothing to do with how you raised him. Some people just start to lose their way in adulthood.
This is the saddest post I have read. Tell DIL support her and your grandkids and let your son enjoy his bed.
I’m sorry you’ve been put in this position. I’m sure it’s been hard for you. I wish your son would tell her. It will mean a lot more coming from him. I would just tell her everything you know. She deserves to know.
Okay so he really doesn’t care about her. He says you are gonna rip his family apart and never let him have fun ?? WTF cheating on your wife with hookers is fun. No protection at all ?? He doesn’t even like or respect his wife at all. No thoughts to her at all. And he came home acting weird – he didn’t even know he had something yet- he seems like he is up to other things – You think he would over compensate for cheating by hugging her and stuff but he acted standoffish. ?? And he has been acting off since – I mean she has to know he did something- What is she saying about it all. I think the sooner you tell her the better. Her blood pressure is probably high already.
Please update us on the health and safety of your DIL and grandchildren.
I’m sorry your son did this to his WHOLE family, his wife, kids, and you.
Wow. *You* are ruining his family because you *never let him have any fun.*. He needs to get his head out of his butt and take responsibility for his actions. *His own actions* are why his relationship is going to blow up, not you for bringing them to light. BTW, his friends suck as well. He’s lost his mind.
If you dont tell her the treating physician will..
>he wouldn’t accept any drinks I offered him,
>his college friends hooked him up with multiple “workers”.
I’m not gonna sugar coat it, his actions seemed like survivors guilt. Like he was tricked or assaulted.
Why did he have bank statements?
It is best to tell his wife and rip the band aid.
There’s alot to address here.
For starters, he prolly needs to get new friends, a new place to live, and hope one of the std girls wants him cuz Olivia ain’t.
And def needs to work on being accountable for his actions & learn that bad actions have bad consequences. This is life. Same lesson I literally just discussed w my 6 yr old after he drew on a table.
You have to just “bite the bullet” and tell her if he’s not going to. First, she has to be protected from his STDs, second, she has to protect her heart and that of her babies. Your son is being extremely selfish and cruel by not telling her himself. He is also at the point of endangering her health if he doesn’t tell her because those two STDs are serious and hard to get rid of…and easily spread.
Yes, it will hurt his family. Yes, it might destroy his marriage. But your DIL has the right to know so she can make an informed decision about her choice of either staying with him or leaving with the babies.
You have to tell her.
First, she is pregnant and she cannot get an STI. It’s very risky in an already high risk pregnancy.
Second, I would plan for her to move in and stay with you, and away from him. I understand you worry about her health and telling her; but she is not safe with him. She is going to be in an even more vulnerable position after giving birth. He can give her an STI, he can put the babies as risk because he cannot be trusted, who knows. At least knowing she can prepare and make a decision without all of the hormones. If she found out after giving birth, it’s going to affect potential PPD even more?
Third, why did he have bank statements? Is it because he was taking money out to pay sex workers? This part is confusing.
Finally, he cares more about having “fun” that being a husband or a parent. I don’t understand because he is almost 30. His behavior sounds like if he were 18 years old and knocked up his HS girlfriend.
Oh fuck no.
You stand by your word. Either he mans the fuck up and tells her or you do by end of day. His choice.
You’re a great mom/person. Do not listen to a thing he says and his accusations, he’s just projecting his anger becuase he has lost his control. HE decided to hook up that night, HE decided to be unfaithful to HIS family, HE decided to rip his family apart that night he decided to cheat and he’s just projecting that onto you. He’s a complete idiot, how dare he do that to the mother of his children and think he can get away with not telling her. This can cause some serious health issues to Olivia. He is busy thinking about himself, I have a feeling Olivia does not deserve him at all. She deserves better
I would be embarrassed to have a son this stupid. He didn’t use protection with sex workers???? What did he think would happen?
Troll post. Men can’t even test for HPV
Ask him if Olivia had done the same, if he’d want her to be honest about it all. He needs to tell her or have them both come over and say he needs to tell her some very important truths about his trip.
Would an STI show up in a matter of days?
Could he have contracted something prior to the trip (if he’s been cheating all along)? She needs to be told, sooner rather than later. Maybe you can accompany her to her next doctor appt. Or contact the doctor and explain. He can’t tell you about her (HIPAA)but he can listen to you.
This is a terrible situation. God bless you for standing by this poor young woman. She needs you, now more than ever.
Help your son be a man and own his decisions.
Either he tells her, or you do.
If he’s lucky his pregnant wife will forgive him and grant him a chance.
If I were your DIL I would take your son for everything he’s worth and find a man who wasn’t an idiot.
Sad that there are children involved.
Please update us when you speak to Olivia