This does sound like a dick question, but I had a talk with my wife yesterday. The conclusion was that she does not have a sex urge so we only have sex once a month. I actually want sex every 3 days…
She agreed with me having sex with other girls as long that she doesn’t know.
Anybody has experience with this?
I don’t have time to go to bars, how do I handle this?
43 comments
Divorce coming soon, this is a bad idea
Try asking on r/nonmanogamy but I can’t see this being a great idea. It’s too one sided.
Seems kinda one-sided
I expected other responses. Know that we still love each other. People keep mentioning divorce… That is actually what we want to avond
I have experience being the one who wanted an open relationship when my partner was just going along with it in order to not rock the boat. It backfired badly both times and I do not recommend going about it so casually.
What I do recommend checking out the work of Dr. Zhana ( world-renowned non/monogamy expert ) ( her IG is insightful af ). Read any book you can get on this topic, post over at r/nonmonogamy or other similar subs. These kinds of relationships take a lot of conscious work and **excellent** communication with all partners if the relationship is to survive.
Not doing so can result in a whole heap of drama, hurt feelings, damaged self esteem, damaged trust in the relationship. It can get very ugly very fast.
Escort maybe?
Recipe for disaster.The deal sounds one sided,instead of the easy but dangerous solution to inactive bedroom life why not you and your wife try to find out why she lacks the “sexual urge”?
Sounds like a “don’t ask don’t tell” situation. My question is: can she actually live with that, or is she only agreeing because it is important to you? Could porn/camgirls fulfill your needs instead?
Honestly the “one sided” part isn’t the worst aspect of this, it’s the fact that she doesn’t want to know.
There are entire dynamics that revolve around one sided non-monogamy, though they’re usually wife sharing.
The issue I see is the fact that you have to sneak around. You will either have to start lying to your wife or hiding things from her. How will she handle a surprise, “Actually, I can’t do that with you this evening, I already have something set up with a FWB…”?
I’m not a fan of “don’t ask; don’t tell” open relationships.
As for the actual specifics of finding women, you’ll need to get on dating apps and hope that nobody that knows your wife sees you. Also be ready for all of them to suspect that you are cheating on her. It’s tough doing ethical non-monogamy on tinder when your partner knows, it’s even tougher when she doesn’t. Bars/clubs will be your best shot, since you are more likely to have only casual conversations.
The fact that she doesn’t want to know, meaning don’t have sex with anybody else. Do the opposite what the women, specially a wife wanted you to do.
An open marriage is an option, but it requires active participation, consent, and knowledge from everyone involved, and that is not what I am seeing in this situation.
I don’t see this ending well based on Reddit history 😃🧍🏽♀️
Does she have no Libido as a person or just no Libido from you is the real question.
Either way you going down this route is only going to lead to separation eventually.
In ENM (Ethical Non-Monogamy) circles the whole “don’t ask, don’t tell” idea is one of the riskier options, and can be a sign of the partner not actually being ready to fully accept the ramifications of what they’ve agreed to. It’s hard to know if she’s enthusiastic or she feels like she’s feeling under duress to suggest or agree to it.
I think some form of couples counselling is definitely my recommendation here, or for you both to put some more work in as a bare minimum. You need to know what that “don’t tell” policy looks like in practice, is it that they don’t want to know anything at all (like a clandestine affair), or does she just want to avoid a detailed account of who you’re with and all the sex she doesn’t want to have any more. It’s important as is impacts how you find partners (what happens if one of them doesn’t believe your da/dt policy and goes to tell your wife etc.
Is this a newer thing for your wife? The diminished drive? If so, she should see her doctor about it. Her saying she just doesn’t want to know is the flag saying that she does mind, very much- but doesn’t want to lose you and so thinks this is the way to not lose you.
There has to be a compromise between once a month and 3 times a week. Like once a week.
Do you guys have kids? Is she concerned about having kids? Is she on birth control? Stressful job? Doing most of the housework? All things that will affect her drive mentally & physically. When our kids were small there was a definite dry spell- and we both has to try/compromise- and over time things returned to pre-kids state.
I think my situation does not help, so I’m just writing to say, OP, you are not alone.
I’m in the same situation for 2 years now, I still did not figure this out. We are together for 18 years, exactly same needs OP just described. After health and psychological problems solved, turns out wife is just really not interested in sex. We have been through a lot of talk about consent and do-and-tell policy, we finally landed at don’t-ask-don’t-tell policy. Does not feel right, I have absolutely no idea what to do after 2 years in this.
I find it very strange, that so many people suggest divorce, because I’m thinking about divorce every week, but not because I have sex with other women (because I don’t, sadly), rather because I have no idea on how to handle this, even with consent.
I also think you should ask in the ethical non monogamy subreddit, there is much more experience and support there.
Imma tell you now, its gonna be harder for you as a married man to find a woman who’s comfortable with that, than it would be if you were a woman… not saying it’s impossible but thats just how it goes. I can see this working out but you should probably consider that in your wifes mind, once a month is perfect, so eventually its gonna eat at her to kno that you desire more. Id take it slow even if you dont come across women who can fulfill your needs as fast as youd like.
Best of luck my guy. Dont sacrifice your happiness for stability without trying to go for what makes you happy with all the effort you can use.
Escorts are your best bet. What she is proposing is a “don’t ask don’t tell” (DADT) policy.
You will have moderate luck on the apps if you clearly state that you’re in a non-monogamous / FWB situation. You could also search for couples as a third.
Some people will say it’s unethical to not disclose to future partners that you’re in a DADT, because the judgement from others will default to ‘cheater’. I think that’s an edge case — as long as you disclose that you’re not interested in anything beyond sex.
Do you think you will be able to have sex without developing feelings?
So lets say you have this mind blowing sex with wonderful person…for couple of times… do you think you will not develope some feelings?
Have your wife agreed on this?
>She agreed with me having sex with other girls as long that she doesn’t know
and she’ll be unhappy but won’t tell you, up to certain moment.
I don’t think that you should agree to this.
How would you having sex with other women actually work? It doesn’t sound as if you’re interested in FWB relationships (which also have their problems, in the long term). More than likely, you would develop feelings for the person you’re having sex with, and she would probably reciprocate. Without even taking the possibility of children into account, how would you manage your two women, in the long term? In the end, there will be drama.
It’s perfectly ok for your wife to be asexual, but it’s also perfectly ok for you to not accept staying in the marriage under these new conditions. It doesn’t sound as if it’s something that you agreed to when deciding to get married. Even if you had, you’re allowed to change your mind.
So the conclusion is that you should start talking with your wife about a separation. It can be a trial one at first, to see how you both handle it.
Fuck it go for it maybe it works , maybe you get a divorce but not getting laid because libido is one sided is not right either
Time to read up on ethical non-monogamy. “The Ethical Slut” seems to be the bible on it. But this arrangement can work wonders. I’ve been in an open (polyamorous) relationship for the past 2 years and it’s the best choice I’ve ever made.
Tbh maybe it’s her and not you – how are her hormones? Is she taking the pill?
Sometimes that alone f***s with everything
Its a trap!!
Facepalm!
She doesn’t have the sex urge why exactly? Is your relationship such that she would feel free in being 100% honest in that answer?
Man that sounds like this could end badly. What if you just spent more time masturbating?
Just get a divorce dude
Feels like the fact that she doesn’t want to know will result in her building up resentment towards you.. Is she 100% up for it or is she just allowing it because she is scared of divorce? ’cause you might be setting her up for something she doesn’t really want and you will end up hurting her.. That’s something you really need to think about if you really care for her and want her to be happy.
Honestly, it sounds like your wife is lacking attraction to you, hence her low drive. Based on your post history, you have substance abuse issues (no judgement) and that can certainly put a lot of strain on a relationship.
Don’t fuck anyone else unless you want this to end in divorce. Jesus.
This is very common for both men and women.
Ive known many women who say they dont care as long as they didnt know and family didnt know.
Ive known men that say the same thing. I think after a certain time people dont want to have sex for a number of reasons and they dont want to be selfish take it as a win.
I’m surprised by the amount of naive people here. This is very common IRL. Does reddit not have friends in real life?
It will eat away at her over time. Either talk it through to the point where you can start to build a genuinely ‘open’ relationship (i.e. also in the sense that you can be fully open about what you/both of you are doing and it’s based on mutual respect and consent). Or try to address the mismatch in your libidos. Look up Responsive Desire – just because your wife doesn’t ‘feel’ horny all the time doesn’t mean she can’t ‘get’ horny and enjoy sex more often than she thinks.
It’s weird AF that you don’t seem to have any interest in medically/emotionally getting to the root of your wife’s low libido.
Like A to Z while skipping all the letters in between.
Or maybe you did??
This is a medical condition, and often very fixable. Why not exhaust all options before placing yourself inside another woman… your wife deserves that.
I’m an every three days guy.
I had a don’t ask don’t tell policy with a long time girlfriend. Due to kids neither of us would be getting married soon, … fill in other bad reasons for stupid policy…
Ok, so we are in bed and she asks me if I’ve had sex with anybody. Whoa. What happened to don’t ask don’t tell? I said yes.
She is hurt. She says she thought we had agreed to stop that policy. I said no, I thought we were pretty clear. I was up to that point quite proud of the fact that I had clearly communicated what I wanted, and it was openly and respectfully discussed at length.
Basically now she’s maneuvered me into a position of cheating on her. I had to break up with her on the grounds that in fact if I was cheating on her, then I couldn’t reasonably expect her to still want me. I however don’t believe I was cheating on her, and was highly offended that she was doing this manipulation. I expected her to come clean and admit she knew it was still on. She didn’t. We broke up.
This is probably my greatest regret in my life. In 5 years we were in 3 arguments. She was the one woman I have ever met that was truly a kind soul.
With my current wife I’ve been in 3 arguments this week…
Don’t ask, don’t tell will lead you to divorce. She doesn’t want to know because she’s not ok with that and it’s hurting her and she feels like it will hurt less if you don’t tell her, when in reality she will be crying her eyes out every time you’re not home by dinner.
She agreed with it, because she’s tired of having to constantly explain her low libido and hearing you constantly talk about lack of sex.
If it wasn’t that way before, better figure out the reason why her sex drive changed and deal with that. Maybe her work life balance is shit and she sees nothing but work and chores 24/7, maybe you have young children that she mainly takes care of, maybe her hormones are acting up, maybe she used to have sex with you just to please you and not because she enjoys it.
Be honest and empathetic, no blaming, make it all about her and nothing about you. Figure out what’s going on with her, what she enjoys during sex, her likes and dislikes and make it something she craves instead of something she sees as a chore.
There are many many arrangements like this. Most unspoken.
As a former sex worker DADT is risky.
Also is she free to seek out her needs in another partner, even if they lead to sex? Would you be ok with that or not want to know?
Try counseling.
You know how sometimes when a woman says she’s fine she’s not actually fine? This is a time for you to dig a little deeper, not just instantly accept that she said she’s cool with it.
Your first reaction to difference in libido is to have sex with other people?
Compromise my dude damn.
Handjobs/titty fucking/her using a Fleshlight on you are very easy alternatives to explore where she doesn’t have to be very involved if she doesn’t want too.
Im on trt and have a daily urge, my wife could go months. She uses a Fleshlight on me and sucks my balls, takes 30 seconds to cum. I get my wifes intimacy, she doesn’t have to go through the full motions of sex.
Once a month at bare minimum I spend the whole week abstaining from any sex remarks/touching. I only date her all week and give her a libido a jump start. Come the weekend I ramp it up with a full body massage on Saturday, breakfast in bed, all the flirting and love. Her libido is now there and we have amazing sex that evening that holds me over for a while.
Communicate and put it work dude. Y’all are going to get divorced otherwise.
ummmm, go to relationship counseling and have this documented as this was HER answer to you…
This seems like it’s going to end horribly for you. Have this documented by a 3rd party…PLEASE!
Good luck with this one. Divorce or just jack off my man.
Her agreeing is the equivalent of saying “it’s fine” in an argument. The pin on the grenade has been pulled. Eventually she will drop the handle.