Looking for advice on if/when is a good time is to tell someone that you’ve struggled with clinical depression in the past, as soon as a year ago.
I’ve been seeing someone for 5-ish weeks, and I’m not sure when is too soon.
It’s a pretty heavy subject and I don’t want to scare them away. That said, if this does transition to a serious relationship in the future, I want to them to know this is something I’ve struggled with in the past and may struggle with again in the future.
I don’t want to drop this as an excuse for any shitty behavior, nor expect them to stay with me in any potential future bouts of depression. More of a ‘full disclosure, this is who I am’ situation.
To be clear, I’m in a pretty good place right now (or I wouldn’t be dating). I have been taking anti-depressants for a year, have moved to a new city, job, taking on new hobbies/recreations, but it’s still work to keep it at bay.
9 comments
My past depression and anxiety is a part of my life. I do not hide from it. in fact I’m proud how I’ve overcome it and can actually function in real life, like actually dating. I was on a 1st date last week, it was not something I intended bringing up but the conversation naturally went into it.
Date went well, I got a blowjob which was sweet.
This is me.
I do me.
Don’t like it? On to the next one.
Okay, I have a controversial opinion today. You should have already told them, but now that you’re in kind of a steady relationship at this point, you should definitely tell them sooner rather than later. And make sure you bring it up to them as hey I need you to know about this rather than trying to hide it or make it seem like you forgot because that will ruin anything you have in the future. Trust me, I know because I have to take medications to stay alive so better to bring it up sooner rather than later if you haven’t already brought it up already.
If this lucky woman truly loves you for who you are, it shouldn’t change a thing. Before I was dating my current gf she already knew that I had depression and she loves me just the same. Hopefully she’ll spontaneously throw cuddles at you more than she already is, just as mine does.
My partner u/maerad21 might have a perspective on this you find valuable.
As far as I go though, I have an arm covered in scars. They are old, healed, and faded at this point.
They still get attention, I completely understand [well not quite] where women with rockin’ tits are coming from regarding eye contact.
First, congrats on having the courage to get treatment and be open about your experiences.
To your question, it may help to reframe your own perspective about depression. It appears that some people who have been diagnosed with depression are predetermined to have it – the major cases. This could require regular medical or pharmaceutical treatment.
Others, however, are predisposed to get depressed if placed in an unnatural situation that would make any human sad – read [Lost Connections](https://www.amazon.com/Lost-Connections-Uncovering-Depression-Unexpected-ebook/dp/B07583XJRW/ref=sr_1_1?gclid=CjwKCAiAioifBhAXEiwApzCztkkZNgPjFF8FUN_mY-7mi00Bwqp7IudtBSpHjMxoXSWYKa7Q84BCSxoCyu8QAvD_BwE&hvadid=295268546841&hvdev=c&hvlocphy=9010928&hvnetw=g&hvqmt=e&hvrand=5003875112856939375&hvtargid=kwd-421476043168&hydadcr=22593_10356184&keywords=the+lost+connections+johann+hari&qid=1675777960&sr=8-1) for a more apt description of these situations. Further, it may help to consider that depression is something people deal with, intermittently, and handle, as life requires.
It can be so exhausting. I’ve seen articles about how a “[Black Dog](https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/depression/understanding-the-metaphorical-black-dog-depression-and-how-it-works/)” is the mascot for depression. It follows that keeping the [“Black Dog” on it’s leash](https://www.artofmanliness.com/health-fitness/health/leashing-the-black-dog-my-struggle-with-depression/) requires regular maintenance. Perhaps it’s helpful to compare monitoring depression with how people with diabetes monitor their blood sugar. One positive is that depression is a disease of feeling, so, if something like doing handstands can make you feel better, you can treat by doing handstands or in any other way that accomplishes that end.
In light of the above, how could you address it with your partner? Perhaps just by telling them it’s just something you keep an eye on and treat, which puts you in the driver’s seat.
From the looks of your question, it could be that you feel like you need to warn this person, but, perhaps, it’s better just to treat the conversation as just another instance of revealing another deeper layer about yourself. When should this happen? Well, it depends what you’ve shared up to this point? Have they met your family? Etc.
It’s time to tell them. A guy I was seeing opened up about his depression after just a few dates. He explained his personal situation and what he has done about it. He was fully expecting me to say “ok bye”. Instead I thanked him for sharing and then asked him what I needed to know if there were any triggers to watch for, if “this happens” what would he want me to do, etc. Point being – it allowed me to understand a part of him and ask questions to learn how to support him now & in the event he spirals in the future.
Also it allowed me to ask him if he gets into a bad place, could I potentially be in danger (basically asking if he was he violent). I didn’t explain the extent of his depression here, but it was not an out of place question. Sharing though so you can be prepared that you might get all sorts of questions. Educating your partner on what to expect “if” will absolutely help down the road!
Well first, based on these other comments I want to reassure you that I don’t think you’ve waited too long. You guys aren’t entirely serious yet and mental illness or mental health issues can be pretty heavy. You don’t have to share all of your secrets at the beginning, that’s crazy.
If you’re starting to feel like you can see yourself with this person, then it’s time to tell him. And you can stick with the highlight reel, if you want. Tell him you’ve struggled with bouts of depression and what that has meant for you. Give him the opportunity to ask questions if he wants and then it can be something you share more naturally if or when you’re going through it or if the topic comes up, as opposed to feeling like you need to confess something
I am very upfront about my depression and anxiety, but to different people I open up at a different speed. Not everyone makes the room for you to open up in the same way. So it’s important to see whether that person can create that space for you to open up.
You don’t have to tell someone everything at once, but you can tell them some parts of it to get an idea of what you deal with. This is as much about your partner being someone who can be there for you as it is letting them understand you better. If someone cannot accept the parts of you that aren’t perfect, they’re not going to be a good partner.
Not everyone can be there for someone who struggles with depression. But the sooner you find out, the better.
Does this person know you’re on antidepressants? Of course it’s up to you to feel comfortable sharing, but I would say 5 weeks of dating sounds right to have the conversation.