So I’ve been a tomboy for most of my life and partly attribute it to growing up in a neighborhood with mostly boys my age that actually liked to go outside and play. Fast forward many years later I’ve had a couple of relationships where we clicked amazingly together but because of them the relationship turned out to be toxic. I’ve gone out many times before I met my husband, usually just with my best friend to have a good time and a couple of times I have been asked by gay men if I was a lesbian. I have an athletic build (not muscular) and would wear a sporty v neck shirt and women’s jeans.
Personally I feel like by trying to initiate it puts me in a masculine headspace or maybe it’s just due to the past I feel awkward when it comes to things that seem masculine.
TLDR: I feel masculine with the idea of initiating things and it makes him feel unwanted. Is there any advice or is it some deep rooted trauma that I need to just get over
13 comments
>I feel masculine with the idea of initiating things and it makes him feel unwanted.
What do you think would happen if you had a conversation with your husband, and the outcome of that conversation was: “In our relationship, initiating intimacy is a job for both partners. So in our case it’s not gendered or masculine — it’s just our private intimacy style”?
Are your libidos generally the same, or does he have a higher libido than you? Everyone is obviously different, but I 36M am definitely the initiator in the relationship, which I don’t mind at all. But if my wife were turning me down a lot, I am sure that would be a different story.
Also, to answer your actually question, no I don’t think a woman initiating is masculine at all and most guys wouldn’t not only not think that, but would be very happy that its not all on them!
Initiating can be done in different ways, some associated with masculine and some with feminine behaviors. What if you initiate with more feminine ones?
It’s not inherently masculine, but your response is interesting. Have you ever thought maybe you’re a little genderfluid?
There are plenty of posts from men that complain about lack of initiation from their partners. Am I loved? Does she desire me? Does she enjoy sex, or just do it for me? If I stopped initiating, would we ever have sex? Would she even miss it? Actions speak louder than words, so take action sometime.
Most men (myself included) very much appreciate when their partner initiates. We see you as a willing sex partner who actually wants to get it on. Touch is very important to me, and all the hot sex would feel like just a little something was missing it was always my idea.
Don’t hold back. When you’re feeling amorous, let him know it.
I dont think it’s a masculine thing in itself but there are ways to initiate which are typically more dominant (such as straddling and grabbing aggressively and saying you want it now) versus more submissive (such as softly rubbing leg, kissing neck, whimpering how much you want the other person).
So maybe you’d rather not be the aggressor when it comes to initiating but most guys will find it a turn on however you initiate!
Someone suggested considering feminine ways to initiate, and I agree with that.
The ones I can think of off the top of my head are sending pictures to him during the day, or putting on lingerie, or dressing up to go out together, or things of that nature, that communicate that he’s got the green light to physically make the move, and have an understanding that you’ll be into it when he does.
The masculine coded ones are probably more about groping/touch, to try to gauge arousal and reciprocation.
I think doing some masculine things is fine. You can still be an overall feminine woman that does some masculine things when the situation calls for it.
Was the first paragraph meant to illustrate that you used to be masculine and now you hate it? Or that this is one masculine thing you can’t do?
Also you say you feel awkward, so are you against doing it? Are you just afraid of rejection? Are you repulsed by him doing something feminine? If alcohol makes you more assertive it sounds like an anxiety thing more than a repulsion thing.
Are you thinking of ways to initiate that you might enjoy, or are you so turned off by the idea of initiating that you haven’t even gotten to that part?
My now wife initiated 40 some years ago it wasn’t masculine, it was amazing amazing and we wouldn’t be here today without it. It’s changed and she always expects me to initiate and I miss it.
Pushing him up against a wall and grabbing him by the hair while you kiss him would traditionally be considered masculine. Or picking him up and carrying him to the bed. But running your fingers through his hair, kissing his neck, and throwing a leg over to straddle him is feminine. Whispering in his ear that you want him. Surprising him in lingerie. And on and on.There are *lots* of ways to initiate.
Has he told you he feels unwanted when you initiate because this makes you seem ‘masculine’ or is this something you’ve told yourself?
Why do you feel it is unsexy or undesirable to feel masculine?
What is feeling masculine to you?
What is feeling feminine?
When do you feel your most desirable – are you masculine or feminine at this time?
Do you feel that one person must remain in one headspace all the time or can this be fluid?
Do you feel both partners can have masculine energy in the bedroom or must one remain feminine and one masculine?
These are questions I’d ask myself if I were in your shoes. If we dig deeper we will discover a lot. You’ve got this!!
It’s also 2023, you better initiate things these days if you want anything to happen because the men definitely wont, we’re looking at prison and shit if we say “hi”
Initiating is NOT a masculine act. I, as a man, LOVE when the woman initiates. It makes me feel desired and turns me on a lot. Not to mention that some of the best sexual memories I have are from times when the other part initiated.