I get so much crap from people for just being quiet and keeping to myself. The regular people who work at stores I go to give me crap for it. My roommates give me crap for it. My family gives me crap for it. My employers have given me crap for it. I just don’t understand what gives. The way I am is perfectly fine! If they want to have a conversation then they can be the one to start it! It just gets on my nerves because I don’t think there is anything I could do differently that wouldn’t amount to putting on a front, and I just don’t have the energy to do that anymore. It is just so insubstantial for me to show enthusiasm when I don’t feel it. It feels like I am lying to this person. The funny thing is, when I do put on a front, I can’t keep that up. So when I become quiet and keep to myself again the people around me are like “What’s up with you, man?” Nothing is up with me man! I’m trying to chill out here and you’re making that difficult.
In a lot of ways, interacting with people feels like me having to acquiesce to the way extroverted people consider to be “normal.” I resent their judgement and I find it difficult to have any respect for their point of view on the matter, because when it comes down to it, it feels like they are trying to exert power over me. The thing is, I understand people are just trying to be friendly, but Jesus, you would think I was an asshole by the way they react to my…communication style? As if being quiet and keeping to yourself is wrong. And it’s funny because I don’t ignore people, I don’t dismiss them. It’s just the way I converse and speak is not loud and boisterous enough for literally anyone. Why do I have to be loud and boisterous? That’s not who I am. The annoying this is too, that it seems like a lot of people I meet who are used to being loud and gregarious seem to think they can talk down to me and comment on my behavior to my face. What kind of conversation is that? What is up with people and what is going on here? How is being quiet and keeping to yourself somehow a signal that I should be treated like I’m stupid or special? I find that judgement to be incredibly insulting. I don’t understand where it comes from and I seriously do not understand the clown show.
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Well you have to be an effective communicator and that takes skill. The effort will lessen when you put in the practice. If you’re not loud enough for anyone, that’s certainly your issue to work on. Also, many people are just trying to do the same thing we’re all taught to do – interact and have occasionally inane thoughts we talk to casual acquaintances with who bore us to tears, but it’s the way we can gauge how people are at baseline and know when to intervene or adjust our behavior towards them should they provide some reason. It’s not all about me or you, we all gotta make small talk. Just find your style – even mock it, if you like. A parody of congenial conversations might be less draining lol. Whatever you gotta do to be just noticed as “that’s the way he is.” Versus “hey, is he okay? I’m gonna ask him.” And maybe, you get good enough at small talk to unleash a great love of conversation, sharing your thoughts, and connecting with the world and human beings more often. It’s fine to chill out, but we can’t it be done when you are saying a few words to someone ? Anxiety, is my guess. It’s lead to avoidance and consequently this problem is gonna get more frustrating and difficult for you the better others become at learning these social skills while you continue to confront them. I’ve been there, still am, really. But ultimately, there’s no scientific reason why you need more public space to chill than the rest of us. Anxiety and nothing other than your own lack of endurance with basic communication and your poor social and behavioral awareness.
You are simply surrounded by rude people. You don’t have a problem. This is such a unnecessary thing to waste your thinking and energy, so I hope you can get a chance of surroundings some day. People don’t chance, but you can find more sensible people to interract with.
Everything in life is improved and you will be treated better when you have better social skills. That’s just how humans are wired.
Well, there’s a difference between being quiet and being cold and standoffish.
Can you give an example of something you’ve said that people reacted negatively to, including how you said it?
I’m a pretty reticent guy, but I wouldn’t think that you’re someone who likes to keep to themselves *genuinely*. You sound like you have resentment towards people who try to engage in conversation, and rather than engaging while simultaneously establishing boundaries, you brush them off. The people who can be seen as quiet but pleasant are the ones who don’t initiate conversation, but are responsive and empathetic when they are talked to, and you don’t come across as that kind of person. I’d think that you’re someone who’s passive aggressive and will glare at me because I couldn’t read your mind that you didn’t want to talk to me.
I balance it in 2 main steps:
1) Talk to them.
Usually it will be money, girls, jokes, sports, politics, sallaries and inflation.
Less popular is relationships and merriage.
Rarely religion, philosophy.
More rarely deep philosophy.
2) If you have enough of it, just leave them and spend some time alone.
Sounds like silence is a comfort zone. Get out ya comfort zone. Feelings are valid tho
You’ve already established that you’re fine with who you are, just exert that to everyone else around you. Peoples ignorance is their own problem. They can solve it by asking questions and genuinely trying to understand others, if that ain’t their goal when communicating, they shouldn’t be talking.
Funny thing is, talkative peoples socials skills really aren’t great either, talking loudly and often just gives them the illusion that it is. It’s quite fun to shatter that illusion.
When they inquire just repeat,
“A wise man speaks when he has something to say, but a fool speaks when he had to say something.”
Works for me, every damn time.
Most people will look at you like their a dog and you just showed them a magic trick. It has its moments.
As an introvert who loses social battery quickly, I get it! It can be exhausting making pleasantries once you’ve hit your daily max. However, I’ve come to realize people usually don’t realize the way comments like “why are you so quiet” can come off. Usually, they aren’t trying to give you crap (at least in my experience). Sometimes saying that is just a piece of conversation they’re grasping at (like mentioning the weather) in hopes to get you talking. In their mind, you might respond with something about the tough day you’ve had which has gotten you distracted. I would try not to let their comments get to you (much easier said than done, I know!). As long as you’re happy with how you are, things are ok.
The thing is you live with other people you work with other people, their feelings are valid too since they have to see you and work with you, and not by choice.
Man don’t let people determine how you’re supposed to act. Be social for you. Because those same people, might talk shit if you talk too much.
Just remember this, no matter what you do, people will always do what they want and say what they want (even if not in your face) , so best to play a character your comfortable with. That way if they do talk shit, they’re the one with the problem not you.
Worry about yourself. Those same people might turn around and betray you even if you did match and reach their standards.
Well your communication style is obviously causing you discomfort so maybe it’s time to change it. Not because THEY want you to, but because the general reaction that you get is the same across the board and it’s bothering you. You can’t change other people’s thoughts or behaviors but you can change the way you give them a chance to interact with you. My advice would be to figure out how you want the world to treat you and then find a way to elicit that response. You can complain about how the world is unfair, you can actually do something about it, or you can give in and accept that this is your life and it will always be this way. Quite frankly, people will always be obnoxious in some way, and it really is your problem if you’re bothered by it.
Be yourself. When questioned, say:
“That’s just me, man,” and laugh. Repeat *ad infinitum*.
Sometimes learning to be a little fake with people is fine. You mentioned enthusiasm, and that is what people most likely want to see from you. i.e.: that you WANT to pay attention to them.
Think of this like a mirror and they want their enthusiasm reflected back.