Hey all, new to Reddit so please be nice, I’m looking for some advice regarding her and I being codependent on one another.
A background on my wife and I… we met in college, and ran with the same crowd. So we were involved in the same school activities, and had the same group of friends. We’ve been together for 11 years and married for one.
I love my wife, and she is my best friend. We share similar interest and are still in contact with the same group of friends from college. I’ve recently realized that we are a bit codependent on one other. I have no friends of my own or any hobbies that I don’t share with my wife. She gets upset when I don’t
Give her a play by play while I’m out of the house. And when she’s away from me I have similar anxieties and feelings.
She however hangs out with girlfriends a couple times a month, she also has a couple hobbies that I’m not involved in. She is always texting friends and keeping up with them, while the only person I’m in regular communication with is my wife and immediate family.
I brought up recently that I was feeling a little lonely and she got really defensive. I was telling her about some ideas I had of new hobbies that would help me meet new people. One was going to judo classes and, the other was joining the rugby team that is based out of our home town. She didn’t like either idea and suggested I looked for a book club or something. I’m in my early 30s so her suggestion does not really appeal to me, I enjoy reading but at my own pace. I’ve also never had a work friends so there is no going to a happy hour after work with coworkers or anything like that. I’m definitely an introvert which is part of the problem, netting new people and trying to make friends is really painful for me.
I have a therapy appointment with a new therapist tonight, and I plan to bring my codependency up. I don’t hang out with the friends I do have much because I feel too guilty I’m not hanging out with my wife. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
TLDR: wife and I are too codependent, looking for advise to work on this aspect of our relationship.
3 comments
> I was telling her about some ideas I had of new hobbies that would help me meet new people. One was going to judo classes and, the other was joining the rugby team that is based out of our home town. She didn’t like either idea and suggested I looked for a book club or something.
My guy listen to me carefully: You are not a child, and your wife is not your mother. You don’t need anyone to sign a permission slip to participate in these activities, and if you did that person wouldn’t be your wife!
Its awesome that you are getting therapy, I still have some niggling issues with similar feelings as your experiencing and that is something I’m also working on with a therapist . The biggest thing I learned on my own is a little bit of quality time with your wife is way more important then the quantity of time
You just need to do some more growing and expanding. You are starting. Congratulations! Keep going.
Friend, that is NOT healthy. You are an adult and fully capable of making your own decisions wrt what hobbies you want to start/try/do. You dont have to ask permission or give her a play by play of what you’re doing or where you went. Definitely let her know if you’re heading out but to give her a run down of each thing you did when you were out is too much. OMG that would drive me crazy if I had to do that or if my husband did that.
And tbh, having your own separate hobbies and friends outside of your marriage is healthy. Life is all about balance and as long as you spend quality time with your wife, then you should be going out with friends and doing your hobbies!