31F here. Last year, I dated this amazing guy (32M) I met on a dating app. I felt a really strong bond with him, communication was excellent, sex was fantastic, our goals and views were aligned. He’s told me I was the kind of woman he’s always wanted to be with. But, after 5 months of this “situationship”, he admitted that he jumped back into dating too soon after his last break up, needed to work on his mental health, and ultimately wasn’t ready to commit to a serious relationship and just needed to be single.
That was a little over 6 months ago. Today I came across his profile on Hinge. It has the “new here” tag at the top. It got me thinking – when I was processing our break up, I really wanted to tell him to reach out when he felt ready to date, but people around me kept telling me not to do that because “if he wanted to, he would” and “not ready for a relationship means not ready for a relationship \*with you\*” and “he’s just not that into you – accept it and move on”, so I never did. But now, it’s looking to me like it probably was shitty timing, and he did stay single since the summer, like he intended.
So my question for those who have used this as a reason for breaking up – is it an excuse, or is it a valid reason? If it is a valid reason, when you felt ready, did you consider that person again or did you feel like the bridge was forever burned? For those who tried again with that person – did it work out the second time around?
TL;DR Guy told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship 6 months ago, now he’s back on dating apps seemingly ready for something more serious. I’m wondering if he’d want to give us another shot because I do.
17 comments
Yes. There were times where I really did just wanna be single. I had been in relationships for the past 5 years so wanted to just enjoy being able to do what I wanted, when I wanted.
Later on it meant I wasn’t wanting a relationship with that specific person. They were cool and all but for whatever reason I didn’t see anything long term.
Yes, My reason was Court has me by the balls and i have to work 70+ hours a week to keep fighting for my son. So i would never be able to give anyone a healthy relationship.
I only reject people when I’m 100% sure. Those girls can now go find someone else to prioritize them and I can move on to better things. I think you should do the same. It’s not like he’s on Hinge specifically looking for you. I’m sorry.
Absolutely. I say it because I have commitment issues and don’t handle commitment well. I tell that whenever it seems a woman is interested. It’s the ultimate deterrent.
It happens, at some points over the last year i’ve had more solid self esteem and felt like i was ready to be in a relationship
And at other points ive been overwhelmed with insecurity and felt like i needed to figure out my shit before anyone else had to deal with it
I personally havent felt comfortable approaching the person i said it to, just somehow seems awkward. But if they reached out to me, i think i’d be game to try again
>”if he wanted to, he would”
You got your answer right there. For all you know he used “not being ready to date” as a way to let you down easier. Or he’s still not ready to date and he’s just looking for another fling.
Reason number 1, I still wasn’t over my ex-fiancee.
Reason number 2, she wanted to move too fast too soon. I was just barely ready to try dating again, she wanted me to basically commit to being engaged without being engaged yet.
**ETA:** This all within about 2 weeks of first starting to see one another.
Ask him,only one wat to know. Otherwise you going to be forever wondering what could have been.
Hmm, I think it’s both an excuse and a valid reason. I lead with not being ready, but if I really like her I’ll try to make it work.
Here’s the thing, whether or not his indication of not being ready for a relationship stems from his desire to date other people or simply his desire to grow and be alone, this realization occurred while he was with you.
While he was in a relationship with you, where everything was seemingly going perfect, he still had the desire to be away from you. This means he either felt like you were hindering or delaying his personal growth, or he just couldn’t see a long term future with you.
Had a very short term girlfriend back when I just started college. Knew this girl for a few years, she worked in her family’s local business. I’m black, they’re Asian. Her family obviously flipped out on her, she called me over and when I showed up she had a suitcase packed.
I let her stay over a few days, but broke up with her(she cried for a long ass time and i barely held together). I told her flat out, I can’t take care of you the way I’d need to be able to for you to throw away your family for this, we’re not ready at all. Saddest part is the parent came over to apologize and said they’d accept it since they knew I wasn’t a bad guy. Was too late by then though.
I simply wasn’t ready for it to be that serious to where I was her lifeline/family/support system at the time. We were kids.
I told someone that but it was after I was widowed and very much true at the time. In hindsight, I’m pretty sure that’s why she was with me, to keep it totally casual and pretty much just sex and fun. In general, I learned to stop caring about the “rules” of dating and just do what you want provided it is in line with the golden rule.
I dated a woman for several months and came to the conclusion that I’d never have stronger feelings for her or want to be in a serious relationship with her. I told her all of this very directly during a “break up” conversation and she asked if we could keep seeing each other as FWB. Fine, but my issue is I only know how to treat women as girlfriends – so she got a “boyfriend” for a couple of years until I broke it off (and I told her until the end I wasn’t looking for anyone else – she continued to date while we were FWB). Ironically, I met my now wife a couple months after breaking up with her, and I went from “not interested in a relationship” to “I need to marry this woman” very quickly. So I do believe it’s a case of *with you, in many instances. And, I wasn’t looking, my wife saw me at work and asked me out.
If he was actually into you, being “ready” and his “mental state” wouldn’t matter.
i would take this as a rejection and move on, but, thats me
He’s 32. If he wanted to be with you, he would have. Not to be harsh, but you were kicking it together for 5 months and then he wanted to remove himself from the situation so he used the cliche excuse here. If he was ready to date and wanted to date you specifically, wouldn’t he reach out?
I’ve never really used an excuse myself, just sort of explained the differences I saw in things, but I think this is a common thing for a lot of people and truthfully, as a guy in my 30s, I’d never take a backward step with someone I wanted involved in my future like he did, then hop back on a dating app a few months later. It doesn’t add up.
I had been in an engagement that ended and it crushed me. After a few months, I started dating again.
Most of the dating was a few dates or a few hook-ups, and then really didn’t go anywhere. Then I met someone that went from being dating to a FWB to a situation-ship. It was comfortable, but she wanted to make it more. I was in a place where it was nice to have someone fun to meet at the bar and then sleep with, but I wasn’t ready to commit to a relationship.
Honestly, I wasn’t ready to be a relationship. When she asked for that, I told her that I couldn’t make that leap quite yet. I was still too broken after the broken engagement.