Basic context since it’s relevant:
We’re both 19, *title is typo I’m F19, been together over a year (all online), I’m F he’s M
When my bf and I met it was the height of Covid (in my area) and we met through an app, we’re multiple states away from each other. With travel restrictions and financial problems, seeing each other irl just wasn’t an option for a long time.
Now that COVID isn’t as big of a deal and I’ve been able to save money, after over a year of being strictly long distance, we were finally able to arrange him coming to my state so we can be together for real.
Now this took a ton of work on my part to save up money and PTO for my job. It was a long and stressful process, and honestly most of the work happened on my end. He’s currently unemployed (lost job due to COVID and hasn’t gotten one since then) and put in very little money. And I did most of the planning.
But I was fine with it because I love him and he was super supportive and seemed excited the whole way through. Saving lots of money and taking extra shifts for more PTO all seemed worth it. But now I just question if he would have done the same…
Problem:
We got the tickets today. I should feel on top of the world. He’s coming here in a month, and will be here for 3 weeks. That’s exciting.
And I was SO excited. We finally worked it out!! I finally get to go places with him and have physical intimacy. Yay, cause for celebration, right?
But when I texted him all excited his response was just basically, eh. He didn’t seem to care much at all. He was very dull.
I figured it’s texting and that’s hard to understand tone with, so I waited to call him after work (I literally bought them on my lunch break today lol.)
But when I called him I got the same vibe. I was all happy and excited. But he just kind of, idk didn’t care? I asked him multiple times “aren’t you so excited?” and he just responded “yeah I am” in a neutral tone. Like I was jumping for joy and he just brushed it off and tried to change the subject.
I wanted to talk about what we’d get to do together and plan. But he seemed uninterested. I asked him what he wanted to do with me and he just basically said “up to you.”
I just feel so let down by his reaction. He seems to not care at all. And I was so so excited but it’s hard to keep that energy when I’m not getting the same from him.
The one thing that bothered me the most though….
Is that as soon as I called him today, literally the *first* thing he talked about was me buying him something. (Stuff to make his flight here more comfortable.)
I understand he’s flying for the first time and might want a nice travel pillow from me and that’s fine I have no problem buying him one. But the first thing he brought up was basically asking me for money!! Not “I’m so happy” or “I can’t wait to see you.” It was “but me (x thing.)”
I’m so upset and idk what to do now. I feel like he doesn’t care as much as me.
I feel like he should appreciate all the work I put into this. And he should be as happy as I am!! He’s acting like it’s no big deal.
Am I overreacting or overthinking this? Do you think he’s just tired or stressed? What should I do?
TLDR; long distance bf of over a year and I finally got tickets to see each other irl today. I was so excited but he doesn’t seem to care, and he asked me to buy him something before even talking about being happy to see me.
(Ps if you think LDR’s “aren’t real relationships” or are just going to judge me please don’t comment. Those types of comments just depress me and I’m already going through enough… just please don’t.)
13 comments
Hi. I’ve been in two transatlantic relationships (don’t ask, I was very unlucky). They were both when I was in my 20s, and I’m in my 30s now. I’m not here to judge you; I know what it’s like.
How often do you buy him things – does he often just message you asking you to buy him things? How much financial support have you been giving him since he lost his job? COVID has been in the rear-view for some time now – why doesn’t he have another job yet, even if it’s just a crappy temporary one? How does he afford rent, food?
Fair enough he couldn’t put in much money towards this trip – so how else did he contribute? If he’s unemployed, I assume he has a lot of spare time – did he do planning? Did he take care of the itinerary, plan dates, look for places he wanted to go near you? You put in the money – what did he put in?
You can see what I’m getting at here. Does he behave like an equal partner in this relationship? They say the best relationships are where both parties are giving 100% – is he putting as much work towards the relationship as you are?
The thing about long distance is that it’s harder than a normal relationship. It comes with its own challenges and miseries. They take extra work from both parties – work to keep it going, work to close the gap, while not allowing the rest of your life to suffer because you’re deprioritising things that are important for your future.
Also, some general advice from someone much older than you – love isn’t enough. Loving each other is never enough to make a relationship work or to make you happy.
Relationships need that practical side of things – you need to be able to build a life together, to rely on each other. This is why long-distance relationships often focus on closing the gap as soon as possible – there is a limited amount of practical partnership you can do when you’re geographically separate.
Independent of problems with this trip, I’d encourage you to try and look objectively at both this relationship and future ones and ask; ‘Does this person improve my life? Do they help me? Could I rely on them in a crisis? Would they help me bury a body?’
Obviously I don’t know you guys, but the vibe I’m getting here is that he is nervous about meeting you. A LDR can be fun and serious and very deep but I can’t imagine the stress of thinking: “what if she sees me and doesn’t like what she sees”. It’s stressful to put an idea of someone into harsh reality. You say he’s never flown before… that means he’s never gone as far from home as he is about to now. He is about to get on s plane and go to an unfamiliar place, to meet someone who has si far been a voice and a face on a screen. That takes a lot of courage. Don’t forget that.
Also, again he will be in an unfamiliar place ,how would he know what he wants to do with you? It really is up to you to show him around. Hope this whole thing turns out good and you guys have lots of fun. Enjoy!
Get your money back on the tickets.
End this.
He’s a dull depressing loser and a mooch, who does not appreciate you.
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LDRs can absolutely be real relationships. I’ve had two. Married one of them.
LDRs where you have never met IRL, however, are nonsense. As you are discovering the hard way. You do not, CANNOT, really know someone unless you have spent time together IRL. This is such a bad idea.
Sorry! but if you haven’t met, you ain’t been together. Now I don’t like to speculate, but is it not a possibility that his reaction is just his realisation that this is really happening? Are you CERTAIN he isn’t in a relationship and is now concerned about how he is about to take the next real step? Now obviously thats a horrible thing to think about, remember I don’t know the situation!
Alternatively, if you really do have feelings for each other, this has built up over a year and intensified. Meeting might be a big deal for him, he might be terrified of you not liking him/nervous. Men and women deal with emotions differently. Men can be weird.
listen you know that you made a lot of effort into getting it from ldr to atleast few moments of happiness together then just believe in yourself you need to calm down coz if he seems not excited he might be in some trouble you can talk with him sort everything out coz you love each other that’s what you are meant to do. i hope it all gets better, stress is inevitable but you need to relax cause stress might only fuck up the situation more
2 of my friends (couple) and i went on a cruise together. She organized everything. I paid for myself.
This was her 2nd trip (shes a friend or rather gf of my friend)
She was stoked for months, im not that emotional or get excited by much. 2 weeks till she got upset with me because i wasnt showing more excitement. And angrily questioned why i would even go on a cruise if im not more excited
Besides what others said. People react to different things differently
Seems he is as excited about putting in effort in his relationship as he is in getting a job. He’s showing you his values and his priorities. Maybe you should believe him.
Sounds like he’s half using you, based on your other comments. I don’t think this is the great connection you think it is and I’m curious what you expect the future to look like?
You guys haven’t ever met? How do you know you love him???
I think what has been said here is all pretty great advice but i just wanted to add i was in a ldr as a teen and things were great through the phone but when we were together i absolutely found him totally unattractive. Cant explain it but the person on the phone is not the same person in real life.
Hmmm, in my opinion, if you are doing your best in the relationship, you’ll never have any regrets. If you are doing your best to be the best partner to your partner and he/she ends up being a good partner for you, you won’t have regrets if you always have treated them kindly. However, if he/she ends up being a bad partner, then you won’t ever feel bad about yourself and blame yourself because you always try your best for them. However, you’re 18, please take everything with cautions. Always take care of yourself!
It you’re still in the 24 hour window, you cancel the ticket and get a full refund.
My advice is to cancel the ticket. There is no excuse as to why he can’t find a job and contribute to this trip. You shouldn’t have to bear the financial brunt of this relationship in your own.
No job? Is he in school? Or doing something productive?
LDRs can be tricky. You never really know the person until you’ve met them. Maybe he is just a little nervous about meeting. I would be as well. Give it a chance and if you feel the same after meeting don’t continue the relationship