My (21 F) boyfriend (31 M) always starts fights and calls me incompetent, how should I handle this?

We never used to fight at all, we always maturely discussed disagreements. We recently moved in together, something he suggested and wanted, and now and it seems he’s always angry at me, he has an explosive outburst at least twice a week.

I wouldn’t mind him disagreeing with me, but it seems like it’s the little silly things that really tick him off. My boyfriend knows I’m a top academic, I’m on a scholarship and I need to get high grades. This is difficult with my ADHD. Last night I stayed up until 9pm to have a project in on time. He freaked out at me telling me that we didn’t even get to eat dinner together and he’s sick of me prioritizing my work over him. This had only ever happened once before, and it was a huge submission. He told me he understands that this will happen occasionally, but he’s angry because he wants to show me that he won’t let it become a habit, and he’s not willing to spend all year watching me have late nights and early mornings. My academics are important to me, the industry I want to break into is hard on young graduates, and he has known since day one that I am a perfectionist and workaholic.

The other day he had a flat white. They gave him a double shot instead of a single. He’s quite caffeine intolerant, and after feeling the negative affects of the caffeine, he ruined my whole day. He was a walking flame of anger. We had a hike planned and I told him we can postpone, he said no, he wants to do it. On the ride to the trail start he was yelling at every small thing frustrating him, a dog wanting to cross the road, slow traffic. We made it maybe a fifth of the way up the mountain before taking a break, I showed him the view and told him how pretty I think it is. Suddenly he tells me he wants to go home, he’s not down for this. So I calmly walk back to the car where he spends 10 minutes so angry that he can’t get himself to pull out of his parking spot. He apologizes for wasting my time and being so angry, but does nothing to make it up to me.

My dad is 81 and on his way out, I wanted to give him a call on Easter, but I’d been spending all day with my boyfriend and his friend who I hardly know. My boyfriend decided for me that we should spend Easter morning with his friend who just got to town. I accept, even though if I did the same he would complain and tell me that I could spend any other morning of the year with friends and Easter should be for us. My boyfriend told me that he wants to make lunch alone, if I want to help I should just make gravy and steam the broccoli. He insists. I figure that’s going to take no time at all, so I’ll call my dad quickly because I’d been busy all morning. My dad and I talk and I’m super grateful to have the opportunity, we talk about art and family and I make sure I’m back in the kitchen in time to make the broccoli and gravy before lunch is served. When I’m back in the kitchen getting started on the food, my boyfriend is so angry he can’t even look at me. I finish the broccoli and gravy just as he’s finished with the chicken and other veggies. We’re just about to get seated when he tells me he doesn’t want to have lunch with me, he dishes food into a Tupperware for himself and walks out the door and doesn’t come back for the next hour.

The first time I saw him get this way was just after we moved in. He used to be extremely playful with me. It’s quite immature but it’s harmless fun. It’s not unlike him to start pillow fights, play tackle me, spritz water on me when he’s done washing his hands. He even threw a dead cockroach at me once. Looking back on it, it seems annoying now, but it was always light-hearted madness for jumps and scares and we’d always laugh it off. One night, after downing a bottle of water, I spritzed the last few drops that were left on him in the same way he’s spritzed water on me before, and he freaked out. His shirt was hardly damp at all, but he took it off and threw it at me with all his strength and told me to get him a towel and a new shirt. I did. I apologized immediately but he didn’t want to be near me. He told me context matters and it was rude of me because he made me dinner that night. I told him it was just a harmless joke like the ones he always plays on me but he said it wasn’t the time or place. He spent the whole night angry at me and the next morning I had to clean the apartment and wash his car to make it up to him.

I just don’t get it. Every time we talk about anything he’s upset about, even if it seems very silly to me, he’ll find a way to make it my fault and he’ll be so upset and angry and it just spikes my anxiety. No matter how much I apologize or promise to do better he’ll be angry for as long as he feels he needs to be. Which is usually long enough to make me feel anxious and jittery for at least the next 24 hours. I’m leaning towards feeling like I’m not in the wrong, but then again he always justifies why he feels I’m so incompetent and always tells me how badly my actions affect him and I always feel guilty afterwards, and that has to count in his favor somehow. I can’t tell if I just act really inappropriately at times and I’m the asshole, or if my boyfriend just has really severe anger issues.