At work, I’ve been repeatedly promoted, from an entry-level job to the C-suite. And at work, I’m only praised: “you always do the right thing”, “you’re key to the company”, “you’ve always been a terrific employee”, “you relate well to people and everyone likes you”, “you’re nothing if not reliable”, “nobody can question your intellect”, etc.
Yet at home, from my wife:
“Do you know how to remove bread from the toaster?”
“You we’re going to burn that pizza so I took it out of the oven.” (I like it how I was making it, and I’ve cooked frozen pizzas hundreds of times.)
“Remember to…”
“You may not know this, but the governor of _____ went to your school.” (Well, duh, we were classmates…what kind of idiot wouldn’t realize that someone who he knew in school became governor?)
In short, you’re widely respected in the meritocracy of a large company, but treated like an imbecile by the woman you married.
If so, does your blood boil like mine does?
34 comments
You found a large company that operates on meritocracy? HOW DO I GET IN THERE?!
I mean if these things bother you, talk to her. She may not know or realize what she is doing. My husband is great at his job but for things at the house I have to constantly remind him. Not because I think he’s stupid but because he’s usually so busy with work that he forgets. He appreciates it but if you do not then tell her.
Do you put in as much effort at home as you do at work?
That would be a horrible way to live. What makes you want to actually go home every day?
That would be a horrible way to live. What makes you want to actually go home every day?
My guy, you are treated exactly the way you allow yourself to be treated.
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Well, your wife does know you best and work is only one part of you as a whole. Overall, the examples that you have from your wife come across as very minor (it’s difficult to judge the tone) and nothing to be put off by. The praises you listed from work make me think that you thrive when you receive words of affirmation. Just a communication style mismatch that can change.
Read when i say no i feel guilty and no more mr nice guy
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I’m a woman.
I think your wife can have concerns, but things can be presented so much nicer. Like, could you please empty the toaster? And also a thank you afterwards?
About the governor, she could kiss you after saying yes and tell you that you are smart.
Notice that sarcasm only works in the sitcoms, not in real life.
Does she compliment or show gratitude for your accomplishments at work?
Your job knows that that if they treat you badly, you’ll leave and find employment somewhere else…
I’d been a COO of a large organization, having others suck up to me just wasn’t allowed.
Maybe a little self reflection:
14 days ago you posted about your cooking and how you’d like your wife to leave it alone. Sound familiar?
11 days ago you took at picture of your name alumni board and sent it to a relative. Appears you’re looking for some type of acknowledgement of success.
3 days ago you were asked to leave the home by the same person who votes if you’d be on the leadership board. Believing you did nothing wrong. It takes a lot to be asked to leave a home you had been invited to.
25 minutes ago you self promoted yourself as being in a C-suite, when just three days ago you boasted on being on a nonprofit board. Then went on a rant about basically the same thing you posted 14 days ago.
Do you see a pattern here?
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I just ask my wife if she’d like me to point out something too. That reminds her about our rule of not critiquing each other.
While not justifying your wife’s rude behavior, it’s entirely possible you’ve been acting like a “C-suite” executive at home. The skill set and behaviors of a successful “C-Suite” executive might make for a fairly lousy/insufferable spouse.
I find I’m usually treated exactly as deserved by anyone I care to be around for any period of time.
My boss and colleagues believe I’m amazing. They don’t revere me but they treat me with respect and sometimes admiration.
My wife knows I’m amazing, but also human. She treats me with respect. She doesn’t revere me when I do something amazing and doesn’t put me down when I disappoint.
I know a woman like that, a wife of my husband’s friend. We sometimes meet on somewhat friendly grounds and every single time it shows how she treats the guy, kind of like OP described. When I talk with her alone and she gets riled up, there is no end to the rant about how much a failure her husband is. It really turns me inside out to the point I feel disgusted. I really cannot fathom the logic and reasoning behind it while there is so huge disparity between apparent “failures” she perceives and what I see from outside as an outsider.
It’s her husband who brings the food to their table and keeps the roof over her head, and at that – it’s not some shack to say the least. For what it looks like they are set way above “avarage”. While she does… well not much as far as I know apart tutoring few highschool kids once in blue moon. That only leaves a conclusion, this man brings all the serious resources to keep them on their level.
If I found a flaw in my husband, I wouldn’t dare to voice my opinion in such offensive and belittling manner, not only out of respect for my husband, but also before anything else – my own. After all, it’s the man to whom I subjected myself of my own will – so attacking that, would harm me. Instead, the first thing I’d do is fixing the source of the hypothetical flaw! And exerting verbal pressure in taxing or abusive emotional manner isn’t the right way to correct things. Providing incentive and reward is, after the talking about the issue is done.
Well, in short, I can imagine how the treatment mentioned in the post may boil one’s blood, as it does even while I even listen to somewhat remote complains from someone else… It kinda pushes my button an annoy me how little respect for self and the others people often have.
>In short, you’re widely respected in the meritocracy of a large company, but treated like an imbecile by the woman you married.
The problem in your thinking is all right here in your own words.
Yes it is possible to find an employer who rewards you based on merit, and peers will respect you in turn.
Interpersonal relationships have nothing to with that, it’s all about the emotions you are able to elicit.
Repeat after me “there is no such thing as browny points.” In other words your wife isn’t going to drop her panties because you did the laundry.
>“You we’re going to burn that pizza so I took it out of the oven.” (I like it how I was making it…
And guess what, you at that pizza the way it was because doing what is important to you as an individual takes a back seat to avoiding conflict. Tell me if I’m right or if I’m right.
Let’s take the pizza situation to the work place. (Buy the way are you an Engineer, or do you work in the IT/Computer science field?)
At work if you were working on something and stepped away and someone with less experiance and less knowledge stepped in and completed the task would you just be like “Oh well Timmy the intern finished it, I better just let it be” or would you follow up and make sure it was right.
You are treated differently because you treat people differently. If wife looks down at you it is because you put her on a pedestal.
The most important work you will do will be within the walls of your own home.
Is there something in this guy’s post history or are y’all just sexist?
Like Tony Soprano said to his wife, “Did it ever occur to you I might know what the hell I’m doin’ ?”
Oh this is such an entertaining self pity party of insecure and inadequate men.
If your wife is saying these things to you, it probably comes from a place of being tired of your shit. I’ve only read one of your posts and I’m already tired of arrogance.
So you grind at work and fish for your bosses’ approval, but won’t help your wife take care of the house? You two, together, make a home. You are just as much responsible for taking care of your living space as she is.
Maybe she’s trying to get your attention- talk it out with her.
It is completely even in my case, both my wife and work treat me like an imbecile.
I don’t treat myself husband like an imbecile but I do treat him like an autistic person who needs help with things. He’s great at what he does at work but he has no idea what our daughter wants so I have to translate lol.
I was expecting way worse examples lol
Wives treating husbands like imbeciles is pretty common. Seems to be socially acceptable unlike Husbands treating their wives like.
As you can see from the comments with many being directed at you.
It shows she doesn’t respect you.
The only solution is to push back on it.
My wife has a need to tune in to everything I do, and direct, instruct, or comment on everything, even the things I know perfectly well how to do. It makes me very upset and yet she won’t (or can’t) stop herself no matter how much it damages our relationship. She readily admits she has OCD but I believe it goes deeper than that. She exhibits many of the characteristics of Covert Narcissistic Personality Disorder which can’t be treated with psychotherapy. She WILL NOT admit to having any faults of her own or needing to change. Had I understood this about her prior to proposing marriage, I would never have gotten married. I’m hanging in there but I don’t know how much longer.
This might be controversial but are you white? just saying in the work arena you may not be aware of your white, male privilege. In work, or in an auto body shop or hell simply at a diner. “oh hello Mr. so and so you’re great… what may the world offer you today?”
On the other hand, and to agree with you somewhat, I know that men really need positive reinforcement from their wife. If I have critique, I nestle it in a “compliment” sandwich for my husband. I help him know what I would like and how to “win” with me. I tell him I admire and respect him both because I do and because it gets us much further as a team.
Talk to your wife. That’s it. tell her you need to feel big in her eyes. help her win with you. Just be straightforward and vulnerable about what you need to feel good. And don’t let that conversation end before you tell her you want to be a team and ask if there is anything you can do for her that will help her feel closer to you.
To be fair, the people at work don’t have to eat your burnt pizza.
Everyone here is going to blame you. You’re the guy. It’s how it works. Unfortunately.
In reality, she doesn’t respect you and it sounds like she’s not as into you as she once was. Either turn this around (be more assertive, more sex, get in shape, behave more… like a man), or leave, or she’ll leave/cheat eventually (and blame it on you).
This’ll get downvoted to hell, but it’s the truth. Good luck.
If the shoe were on the other foot, everyone here would be telling her to leave you for being mean and abusive, or to take you to counseling lol.
We often wonder why you can do well at work and be useless at home.
My husband is a brilliant man, multiple degrees, works hard, dedicated to his career, etc. He’s incredibly smart and super talented at writing and researching and just a very smart person.
He also once burned his hand really bad trying to put pepperoni on a frozen pizza that was already in the oven without taking the pizza out first.
So idk it just helps me keep into perspective that smart people can do dumb things sometimes. Just have a conversation with your wife about how she feels?