My bf (30m) was behind me (26f) while having sex and he started fingering my butthole. At first I didn’t really feel it since he usually puts his hand around that area, but once I realized what was happening, I freaked out.
I started crying and told him he needs to ask if I’m okay with things first before trying something new. I told him how it’s not okay to do that and went on for a while about it. He felt really bad and apologized. He offered to sleep somewhere else and give me my space, but we were on a trip with some of my friends so I didn’t want to tell them what happened. We talked about this for the few days after and he kept saying how sorry he is, that he’ll never do it again, how he doesn’t want to make me cry/upset again, etc. He even cried at one point.
I believe him for the most part but have lost a lot of trust in him. I really do love him but I’m not sure if I can come back from this. He’s never done anything like this before either so I have no clue why he even did that in the first place.
Has anyone gone through anything like this before? If so, what was your experience and do you have any advice for working through this?
26 comments
I think you over reacted, a strong scolding once should’ve been enough but you drug that shit on..
You can’t change how you felt about it at the time and those feelings are valid. I think all you can do now is hold him to his pledge to not do anything like that again and hopefully if he sticks to it you’ll both feel more comfortable about sex sooner or later.
You overreacted. .. its a sexual act during sex. Its not like he slid his hand into your skirt and did it. A simple I dont want to try that should have been enough. People view sex in many different forms. As long as the space is safe to try and respect NOs and YESs, then the sex is good. Otherwise we will be needing written agreements for every big and small things during sex.
You have no clue why your partner who was having sex with you, would try something different to maybe make you feel more pleasure while you’re enjoying physical intimacy ? Couples do things in the heat of the moment that can, and do increase pleasure.Not saying your feelings are invalid, but it doesn’t seem like he knew that it would be an issue.
You explained what the problem was, set a boundary by telling him he needs to run things by you in the future, and he apologized and offered to give you your own space if needed, and I assume he said he’d make sure to check before trying anything else.
I’m confused about what needs to be “worked through.” The issue seems resolved. The post comes off like he intentionally and malevolently violated you. And that doesn’t seem to be the case.
If you had said in the moment that this doesn’t work, and he continued that would be one thing. But if he stopped when you said stop, and you continued on like that, I’d be uncomfortable having sex with you from that point onward. I would move on to a new relationship at that point, since I would feel uncomfortable exploring things.
Either that or just be really upfront about what you are into or what you are not. But even that hard-line stance I have concerns about in a long term relationship.
chillll chile
I agree, overreaction. Your having consensual sex, you voiced your disapproval and that should be that.
Your reaction seems a bit much. Ask yourself. Do you ask permission every time you do a sexual act? Even simple things like grabbing his butt or putting your hand on his penis. Imagine how boring that would be. Sex should be fun and you killed that. If you don’t like something tell him and move on. He was exploring and you freaked out.
I’m all for the true meaning of and need for consent…but for the love of all things can we please put the sense back in consent?!?! This is ridiculous. Get therapy because that was not a valid reaction.
I mean.. he should have asked, but this is something you don’t think you can come back from? I would maybe speak with a therapist about how you establish and maintain boundaries and keep yourself safe during sex if you have this strong of a reaction to something relatively small. If I were the guy I would feel very uncomfortable about the relationship going forward, too.
Lmao you’re overreacting like crazy. Holy shit.
How to be single 101.
Uhhhhm.. hmm. Okay, I can see it caught you off gaurd but this is your boyfriend. Presumably someone you trust and are attracted to enough to be intimate with. There are going to be positions, strokes, nibbles that simply won’t do anything for you or your pleasure. Maybe he’s plowing when you like slow pumps. Or sucking your clit when you prefer gentle circles. It doesn’t take much to just gently redirect them. Verbalize your likes and dislikes, and he will enjoy using that as a guide to better suit you. This reaction is- aLOT. Tbh, even if you’d apologized later for freaking out- it would be enough to make a man hesitate to be sexually open with you again. This is a lot to think about the next time y’all have sex. It’s very likely he will feel like his desires to please you are bad and disgusting. Once bitten twice shy. 🙁
Wow this is such a dramatic reaction. You could have a- communicated during sex and moved his hand and simply said no not there or b- communicated after and said hey I wasn’t comfortable with this, in the future can you ask before trying something new or check in with me as you do it? The fact you are Continuing to hold this over his head (he was just exploring sexually which I personally would have found appropriate to explore via touch) makes me assume you are a person who just craves drama. Maybe consider a therapist that can help you work through the expectations you have.
I hope this guy runs away . All this for a finger in the butt. Poor guy i hope this doesn’t discourage him from future experimenting . With someone elese. Run boy run
Next time please have sex with notary public present.
Heat of the moment, end of story. You set a boundary where there was none before. Should have ended on that. Instead you blew it up to a couple of days of apologising and it seems like you still haven’t accepted it. It’s a bit of an overreaction.
But bare in mind, that’s spoken from a perspective of someone who doesn’t know you or your bf at all. Maybe there is some backstory, that makes you especially sensitive about this part of your body. We don’t know.
As the story stands, he did nothing wrong. You were having consensual sexy time, he poked a finger up your bum as one does. Then you kinda blew up instead of just saying “Hey, stop.”
I’d advise the Green, Yellow, Red rule. Where Red is stop immediately. Yellow means it’s okay but no more than this. And Green is just fine. So when he slaps your ass and it’s at the edge of your pleasure, you can call it a yellow letting him know he shouldn’t go stronger than that. Same for traveling around your body.
End if the day, he likes your ass and it turns him on. Accept it about him, same as you demand his acceptance of your boundaries. Which I am not sure are about doing new things without asking or that you don’t want him to touch your bum.
I am seriously not a butt hole person at all. I don’t want to be near a guy’s butthole, and I don’t want him anywhere near mine. And even I think OP is getting a little too worked up over this. But at the same time, she has strong feelings about this as I do, so I get where she’s coming from
Ok! I’m the girl who let her bf do it, wasn’t expecting it, didn’t realize it was a thing, was young, didn’t give permission, didn’t like it, didn’t have the guts to say stop. Later in life there were situations I liked it and consented and there were times I didn’t want it.
Your boyfriend seems legitimately sorry. I don’t think that he thought of consent for specifically that and he should have since you hadn’t before. I don’t see him as the type of person to enjoy hurting you or doing something to you that you didn’t approve of or enjoy. He got caught up and it’s no excuse and if it ever crosses that line again there’s no question what to do. But, I think this was a sincere mistake and he understands what he did. I would give him the benefit of the doubt.
Just to add, props to all the mods of this forum for not deleting and temp banning the ones who gave their opinion that did not necessarily reflect or support the reactions made by OP.
Your feeling are your feelings and no one should fault you for that. I will say in an age where anything goes in porn, and all guys watch it, it’s sometimes hard to say where normal boundaries lie. Should he have asked you first? Absolutely. But should be this a major issue in your relationship? Based on his reaction and response to you, no, not at all imo. He is taking you seriously, he is apologizing, and he feels terrible about it. I see nothing here that indicates in any way that he is untrustworthy or disrespectful to you or your relationship.
You’re doing and saying entirely too much. My first issue with this is as a woman (which I am) how does someone fingering your butthole go unnoticed? You feel that shit as soon as the finger touches it so. And if he said sorry and won’t do it again then
…..you’re fishing for sympathy and unlogical agreements. There is none dear.
First, call down. My husband sometimes does things in the heat of the moment that I might not like, and I let him know and move past it. He says he is sorry, and that’s that. Your bf said he is sorry, and you continue to stew on it. Look, sit him down, tell him what you want and don’t in the bedroom, and have him do the same. He sounds like a nice guy.
All you have to say is stop I don’t like that. We don’t know as we cannot read your mind.
I don’t feel like every exploration requires a detailed briefing. This is not that kinky and if he’s flirting in the area it’s up to you to let him know you aren’t comfortable. Also agree with another commenter that there’s no way hell you don’t immediately notice something going in your ass.
YTA oh …wrong sub but still you are.