What should I expect at a Catholic funeral mass?

13 comments

1. Just wear as much black as possible and reasonably smart.
   I’m a Catholic my whole life go to mass maybe 3/4 times a year and still don’t have a clue. Sit towards the back or middle and just follow with everyone itl jist the odd kneel stand and saying amen simple enough don’t worry yer self

2. Copy everyone else for the sing/stand bits, but you don’t have to go up for Communion at all – if you do, don’t put your hands out.

   Have some tissues to offer to anyone in need.

3. Dressing code is black, no jewellery, try to be most neutral as possible. No hat, a scarf over your head is enough (if you are a woman) . Confortable shoes, it can take some time.
   You don’need to sing or prey. Just follow some common rules. When everybody stand, stand also and when an Amen is said, say also.
   No more than this.

4. Don’t overthink it, nobody’s attention is going to be on you.

   I’d advise getting there in plenty of time, as that will give you time to look at the order of service and familiarise yourself with how things are going to play out. With a bit of luck the priest will be aware that some members of the congregation aren’t Catholic and take a bit more time to explain things.

   It’s pretty easy to sing along with the hymns as the tunes are usually simple, so you can if you want to. At certain points of the service the congregation will respond to things the priest says, and at other points people will cross themselves or kneel; don’t feel obliged to follow, it’s not disrespectful and you won’t draw attention by remaining still and quiet. Standing up when everyone else does will help you blend in, though.

   When it comes to communion you’re likely to have two options, which the priest should explain beforehand. The first is as you describe, to go up to the rails for a blessing. All you do is kneel and wait for the priest to bless you. The second is to remain in the pew, which is also perfectly acceptable — many Catholics don’t go to receive communion if they haven’t been to confession. You may need to move to let other people out of the pew, but just hang back in the aisle and then sit back down.

   When it comes to clothes dark is pretty much as good as black. If you have a long, dark (grey, navy, brown, etc.) dress or smart trousers then they’ll be fine.

   If you remember nothing else, be assured that sitting quietly and silently isn’t going to offend anybody.

5. Don’t go up for Communion if you aren’t Catholic just stay seated. Just stand when everybody else does and sit when they do you don’t have to say/sing anything. Eat beforehand those things are loooong AF.

6. Wear black, and you don’t have to go up for communion if you don’t want to. In fact you’re only meant to eat the bread if you’ve been confirmed as a Catholic. You can go up and get blessed by the priest if you want though, you just cross your arms across your chest. If you don’t know what to do, just stay in your seat, nobody will care. And nobody will notice if you don’t sing hymns or say amen either, but you get a sheet telling you which hymns will be sung so you can find the lyrics in the little book. Catholic funerals are long (and also, at the risk of sounding insensitive, very boring if you have no connection to the deceased), so be prepared for a bit of a slog.

   Depending on the family’s location/tradition (mainly Scottish and Irish Catholics) there may be an open casket before the funeral, not guaranteed though, but just be aware before you go.

   Edit – one more thing, remember that Catholics don’t say the last few lines of the Our Father prayer, they just say amen after “deliver us from evil”. Someone at a funeral I went to didn’t know this and said “thine is the kingdom” when everyone else was silent and it was awkward.

7. You don’t need to join in with prayers or hymns.
   Stay seated, stand when people stand.

   As for communion, you do not receive this.
   The priest may offer a blessing instead for anyone who does not wish to take communion, usually you approach with your right hand on your left shoulder, but don’t feel you need to do this either.
   You can just sit and wait.

8. If you aren’t used to kneeling, it can be uncomfortable! My godfather’s funeral I was not ready for it, kept unbalancing or cramping, felt like I wasn’t giving the service proper respect. Wish I had practiced with a cushion at home but it didn’t even cross my mind until 2 minutes in to the first kneeling based prayer.

   You don’t need to go up for communion, or join in hymns or prayers if you don’t feel confident doing so. Adopt a respectful facial expression and read along in the hymnbook/order of service.

   Skirt probably won’t raise too many eyebrows but would pair with opaque tights maybe rather than anything sheer or skintone, definitely the Mary Jane’s rather than docs to be on the safe side.

9. As a no Catholic, you can sing along to the hymns, and do the recital bit, but don’t take communion. You either remain in your seat, or cross your arms and receive a blessing. In many Catholic churches, the priest will often give instructions. Since they can expect many non-Catholics to be there.

   As for dress, black or dark clothing which is not revealing in the norm.

10. No proddies

11. Just try not to fall asleep while old matey rumbles on and on. Stand when everyone stands, sit when they sit. Don’t bother kneeling.

12. >any point would I be expected to join in speaking/singing? Do you join in even if you aren’t Catholic? I’m not religious but I would have no problem speaking or singing along if that’s the done thing.

    You can join in the hymns if you like, but as a non catholic you won’t be expected to join in any of the spoken responses (some of them are professions of faith, etc. – so it could, in fact, be interpreted as disrespectful if you do, if it’s not something you personally believe). The only exception will be, at some point the priest will invite everyone to offer each other the ‘sign of peace’ – the appropriate thing is to shake the hand of everyone near you (and/or nod to them) whilst saying “Peace be with you”.

    At various stages people will be seated, stood, or knelt down on one of the collapsible ‘kneelers’ that fold down from the pew infront of you – just follow what everyone else is doing (and make sure you’re not sat at the front – which will usually just be the immediate family anyway – so you can see what they are doing, and take your queue from them)

    >And then the communion – from what I understand, if you’re Catholic, you hold your hands out and get the bread, if not, you keep your hands folded and he just does the lil wave at your head? Should I say anything?!

    You don’t have to. You’ll be knelt at that point, so you can just sit back down on the pew when everyone else goes up – to let them pass, and to signal to them that you’re not intending to go up yourself.

    If you do wish to go for a blessing – then make sure you’re in the queue for the priest (and not one of the Extraordinary Ministers – his ‘helpers’), since only the priest can give a blessing. Cross your arms in front of you, across your chest, so that your hands are palm inwards just below either shoulder – this will signal to the priest that you just wish to receive a blessing, and not communion, and keep them crossed until he’s finished the blessing, even if someone should mistakenly attempt to hand you communion. Don’t say anything – particularly not something which might be misheard as “amen”, which is the magic word catholics say, in order to receive communion.

    It’s worth bearing in mind, that catholics believe the “bread” to literally be the body/flesh of Christ at this point (the exact metaphysics are a bit difficult to explain), so there’s a particular reverence which applies here.

    If you don’t feel comfortable – you’re probably best avoiding, though. The priest gives everyone a blessing at the end, anyway.

    ​

    >I’m also worried I won’t be dressed formally enough – everything online says suits/smart black dresses. My normal funeral dress is just a wee bit short according to my partner (falls around the lower thigh).

    Possibly a wee bit short – at least knee length would be better (bearing in mind you’ll be kneeling down etc., so you might be a bit uncomfortable).

    ​

    >I’m really anxious about not being underdressed or embarrassing myself at any point, so any tips or guidance would be massively appreciated.

    Don’t worry about it. Catholics are used to non-catholics attending, and should be happy to have you there. Unless someone’s being obviously and deliberately disrespectful, noone will pay any notice. Catholic masses are quite introspective, and not really social affairs – people are usually sat quietly and focused on their own thoughts/prayers ,and what’s happening upfront, and not on anyone else. Anyone looking at you, will probably be someone equally unfamiliar with the process, trying to work out what they’re supposed to be doing.

    One thing to bear in mind, is there’ll probably be a collection (or even two) at some point – so you might want to carry a few pennies with you, if you wish to make a donation. That’s entirely up to you, of course – and it’s usually done quite discretely, with someone passing a basket around – so noone will notice/think any the worse, if you choose not to.

13. The order of service will have instructions for when audience participation is expected, you don’t have to join in with the speaking or singing if you don’t want to, I would probably stand / sit / kneel as instructed though. The words for any prayers will be in the order of service – usually the words for the hymns will be too but sometimes you’ll just get a reference number for a hymn in the hymnal.

    You don’t have to go up for mass / a blessing

    An important point to remember that the Catholic Lord’s Prayer is shorter than the Anglican one, they skip the “For thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory, for ever and ever” lines (so it’s just “But deliver us from evil, Amen”) which always seems to trip people up.