I am really struggling in my marriage and have been for awhile now. I just wanted some advice because I don’t know what to do. My husband and I have been married for 15 years and have 2 children together. We got married young, I was 20 he was 24. He has always been very controlling. Not wanting me to do things with friends, not wanting me to go to college, threatening to break up with me if I didn’t do what he thought was best. That was early on in our relationship, but he seemed to let go of control later on. He is also very kind and thoughtful about different things. He would still have episodes where he would scream at me and insult me if I messed up. One time I forgot my phone and didn’t see a message that something had been cancled. He yelled at me all the way home how irresponsible and annoying I was because I never kept my phone with me. He later apologized. There were more of these type things and later he would apologize. If I bring up the pattern of this behavior he gets mad and says I can’t ever let anything go.
All of that being said, I have issues of my own that I struggle with that he has had to deal with. I hope this doesn’t make anyone judge me, but I have bpd and Anxiety. I can be very difficult because of this. I am very sensitive and get my feelings hurt a lot. I do not forget mean things anybody says to me and I will usually just distance myself from anyone that offends me, but family is more difficult. My anxiety causes me to worry a lot and I ask people questions like “what’s wrong?” A lot. I Ty my best to be a good wife and mom, but it is hard for me. I need to talk a lot about my feelings. Full disclosure, 2 years ago I was unfaithful. No excuses for it, it was wrong. But, I wanted to add because I am sure it fuels how bad it has gotten, and that is on me. I also can’t go my entire life not being able to talk about my emotions. This Is normally where we start fighting.
we have been fighting a lot over th past year, and it normally starts if I tell him something is bothering me or I ask for something I am needing from him emotionally. My daughter is in middle school, so recently she can get very rude and disrespectful with me. It isn’t anything crazy just sighing or talking back acting like I am so annoying. My husband normally sees this but won’t say anything. I recently asked if he could just step in if he hears it and say something like “don’t talk to your mom like that”. He was completely silent which I know to mean he doesn’t agree with me. Later on he said it isn’t his job to get in the middle. If he gets on the kids he doesn’t require my help so I shouldn’t either. He said he understands why she’s that way towards me because I annoy everyone with my anxiety and questions. If I hear a noise downstairs asking what was that are you ok is annoying. I said doesn’t everyone do that? He said the way I do it is different. I said how and he didn’t elaborate. We have had this same fight just slightly different details so many times. I never insult him anymore (I used to). He always brings up my mental stuff which just crushes me. He knows more than anyone how much I struggle and hate myself for my anxiety and shortcomings. He has done it so much I feel like my romantic feelings are gone. I don’t want to get a divorce because of the kids, but I don’t know how to keep doing this over and over. Any thoughts are appreciated.
4 comments
> He yelled at me all the way home how irresponsible and annoying I was because I never kept my phone with me. He later apologized.
This is abusive. Full stop. Sounds like he has done this often enough which are going to exacerbate your mental state. If you really want a change you need to at least be open to the idea of divorce. Otherwise it sounds like your husband just doesn’t care about your feelings or treating you nice. He knows you will stay. He also likes to try and rug sweep his actions by blaming you for not being able to move on. To him these are just little actions but to you it’s about abuse and being able to properly acknowledge how his actions affected you which he refuses to do.
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> It isn’t anything crazy just sighing or talking back acting like I am so annoying. My husband normally sees this but won’t say anything. I recently asked if he could just step in if he hears it and say something like “don’t talk to your mom like that”. He was completely silent which I know to mean he doesn’t agree with me. Later on he said it isn’t his job to get in the middle.
Your husband is 100% correct. Your daughter is going to lose respect for you if you need your husband to step in for every little slight. Kids learn how to model their behavior based on the adults in their lives AKA you and your husband. You two clearly aren’t modeling positive ways to handle emotions so how in the world do you expect your middle schooler to learn how to handle her emotions? If you really want to model proper behavior for her you need to stop allowing abuse just because divorce is not an option. What are you teaching your kids? Would you want your daughter to stay married to an abuser? Sit down and talk to your kids. Try to figure out why they are sighing or talking back and have conversations about what is a proper way to model behavior. Most of all, listen to them. Your daughter is starting to become an adult and with that they need proper guidance and also more freedom.
If a partner yelled at me even after I’d told them it’s not acceptable to me, I would leave them. I expect way more than that from my partners.
>My daughter is in middle school, so recently she can get very rude and disrespectful with me.
Because she sees dad can do it and get away with it.
Your husband is abusive. People like that don’t change. Being vulnerable in front of these people is just going to get thrown back at you like sand in your eyes.
My advice is if you aren’t in a place where you are going to leave, protect yourself by not being vulnerable and not sharing feelings. He’s not a safe space. Find places that are safe for you and use those relationships that way.
There are techniques called “gray rocking” that are helpful here.
he is an abuser. it’s simple. don’t overcomplicate it and see it for what it is. Time for a separation. Either he proves he’s committed to counseling and anger management, or it’s over.