I’m a 22F and I’ve had sex multiple times, I’m not scared of having sex – but I am scared of emotionally opening myself up (due to insecurity) yet I really want a boyfriend.
Don’t tell me that I need to love myself before I get in a relationship, please give me useful advice.
I don’t like when guys offer to do something for me, I get nervous when he asks too many questions about me – I’m overall afraid of getting close to somebody. That’s why I jump to sex, because that’s no longer become intimate to me. A long conversation is intimate. Getting to know me is intimate and I get very closed off or I start making up stories to avoid sharing real bits of myself.
What do I do? I feel so lonely.
22 comments
We’ll just find somebody that wants to take the time to get to know you.
I think the first thing you need to figure out is why you are scared of intimacy or opening up to someone. Did something happen to make you wary to open yourself up emotionally?
Find a man that you can trust with your heart before sleeping with him. Good men will wait. Shitty men won’t.
You need to love yourself before getting into a relationship.
This is literally the MOST USEFUL advice you can get, ESPECIALLY after describing why you’re scared of opening up emotionally due to insecurity.
I guess the USEFUL advice here is…. fucking love yourself. Think of the things you’re great at, think of the things that make you a good person and why you deserve to be loved. If you feel those are inadequate, acknowledge it and work towards being great at things and becoming the person you want to be.
If you got issues, deal with them so that you can LOVE YOURSELF since you’ve overcome those issues and now on the path to becoming the person you want to be.
I feel like when you find the right person it will be less scary to let your walls down, maybe you should try new things, expand your social circles and see if you can find someone you’re excited to be vulnerable with.
Also be careful about your “sex isn’t intimate to me” sentiment, the kind of guy who wants a serious relationship is very likely to see that as a big red flag while the kind of guy who’s looking to pump and dump will see that as an easy opportunity to get laid
You could make up stories to mislead him. It isn’t ethical, but it is your life.
In sports, we say “no risk it, no biscuit.” There is no reward without risk.
Love is the best thing there is and it’s not close! But in order to get everything it has to offer, you have to risk pain, risk ridicule, risk heartbreak. And there’s fear with risk. You have to conquer fear, you have to expose yourself to risk — and the first fear to conquer is the fear of your own truth. You are who you are. Lying to yourself and others about it doesn’t make any of your story untrue. It just makes you a liar and a coward … but you are not alone! Most people are liars and cowards.
Two hands. Hold them out. One holds fear, lies, and loneliness. The other holds risk and pain and love. You know which one you want to hold onto. But it takes courage.
How you feel, this anxiety, it’s really normal. But you have to go for it. My biggest loves have all crumbled. It ended in pain and misery — but how I felt in those loving moments were better than the heartbreak was bad. How loving someone and feeling loved by them feels, it’s unbeatable and worth any risk in the world.
You have courage. Put it to use!
Keep all that shit to yourself when you meet someone. You sound contradictory and like a pain to date. They don’t need to know how messed up things are going for you. Treat it as a clean slate and work on getting comfortable with normal social behavior.
It sounds harsh, but im not sure if you how you can function in a relationship if you are that guarded and then throw sex out there like a tool to be used. It ain’t never going to be intimate if you keep using it that way. Quit having sex in the meantime
Talk to a professional for this one, not reddit.
I think you need to get yourself to the point where you’re comfortable with yourself in mind, body and spirit. That way when you’re meeting somebody, you feel confident in who you are as a being and don’t mind sharing who you are with somebody else. Maybe you could dive deep into philosophy and learn to meditate if you want to help yourself get into a better mental state? Hit the gym if you’re not confident in your body image? Idk just some thoughts
You on track to have major issues with sex when you have a serious relationship with a man that wants to show his happiness and affection to you via sex and your are reminded of all these un-intimate intimate sessions
🙄
You need to start working on yourself first by the sounds of it (I’m in the same position as a 30m). It wouldn’t be fair to get a partner in your state of doubt if you’re not ready to go all in.
So, to sum up, you are 22 and afraid to catch the feels…
Deal with your insecurities first before going into a relationship.
If you still have a residual amount left, talk to your potential partner. They’ll respond one of two ways: Reassure you or dismiss you.
You don’t have to share anything important (yet) to your potential partner. Start off small (what’s your favorite food, store to shop, etc) and build off that momentum.
The thing about a relationship, when you meet someone nice for you, you both have each other wrapped around each other’s fingers. You’re both “open”, it is frightening but that is a relationship.
The best advice you can get in your situation is to go to therapy. Nobody here is going to be able to work you through your intimacy issues. You have to do that with the help of a qualified professional.
Go to therapy.
You should stop sleeping with people who are only interested in sex, and find somebody who would rather get to know you than try to have sex with you that doesn’t make you feel insecure or uncomfortable when they attempt to get to know you. You know, somebody who’s actually mature and sees you as a person worth getting to know other than just a cock holster that they can mount for a night or two.
You need 10 mg of Thorazine, twice a day, and 3 hours of talk therapy.
You lack self esteem. You assume if someone got to know you they would hate you and leave. You think this way because you hate yourself. I think this is what people mean by love yourself. You need to find a way to gain self esteem and confidence. Try to figure out what you hate about yourself and either change it or accept it. Obviously this is easier said then done.
*Ahem*
Therapy
*Drops mic*
Loving yourself is useful advice. The most useful advice I would say.
Other than that, you should probably do a lot of thinking about why you’re scared of intimacy and potentially find some professional to help you with that.
stop social media, stop romantic comedy, stop tv, stop radio and go outside in the sun.