Hi, I (26 M) have never had sex and I have anxiety and mental issues both in general and around sex to the point where I almost have sex phobia.
One of my biggest fears is the act of piv. I’d be under so much stress and anxiety that being able to become erect would be incredibly difficult and I suffer from sever PE on my own meaning that penetration or any stimulation to me in fact would result in a very quick climax.
If I ever meet a partner how should I deal with this? I’d struggle to bring this up with her as I struggle to talk when I’m anxious and stressed. What should I do if she’s disappointed by it or enjoys piv/giving pleasure?
4 comments
Until youre ready, you can always try oral sex…she and you can both get plenty of pleasure that way
1- Sure, it’s possible. But:
2- Logically you probably know this, but PIV doesn’t merit this much fear. So the fear is basically reaching phobia levels and getting in the way of something potentially enjoyable. In this case it kind of is “You have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
It’s not like a wizard test where you have one chance to thrust Excalibur into the stone, and if you don’t get it right in exactly one try, The Demon Lord reigns for 1,000 years. It could just as easily be a woman lying on a man nude, everyone’s comfortable and happy, they’ve done it many times before and she knows he consents. She feels like it’d be nice if he were in her, without even needing her hands she wiggles a little and he slips into her. Like, that scenario is as calm and comfy as can be.
So what I’m getting at is, rather than plan your future life around a PIV phobia… what about just getting to the root of it, learning to tone down your internal alarms that are ringing (with a therapist’s help), until PIV becomes a possibility if you’re feeling it?
Even if you climax quickly (I’m guessing at least partially from the mega nervous system activation the whole topic currently holds for you), there are women who are totally fine with that and might even find it flattering.
The trick is to realize how your fear and adrenaline ramp up to panic-like levels, and learn the feel of zen calm in cuddling type moments. Like does anyone worry about cuddling too fast or slow? It’s just an experience that goes at its own pace. And once you have that zen feel in mind, it could be possible to go back and forth, like: Cuddles->some cuddles with PIV -> more cuddles by themselves -> more cuddles with a PIV visit. Like that back and forth flow could be easy and fun and relaxing with a woman who had gotten used to that chain of events.
Are you going through CBT or ACT therapy? If not then I think you’re wasting your time.
Some medical doctors are saying that if your serotonin is low because you have anxiety, then you’ll suffer from PE. Lowering your arousal by distracting yourself can help you last longer. Some guys recite a song or count thrusts. An SSRI for anxiety will also help you last longer. I’m taking an SSRI and I have a difficult time cumming with my partner. It’s actually a frustrating problem, and I would prefer to have the PE.
[ShareCare – Low Serotonin PE](https://www.sharecare.com/health/sex-orgasm-premature-ejaculation/neurotransmitter-serotonin-linked-to-pe)
As a bisexual heavily lesbian leaning… Absolutely. Wlw relationships actually have a higher rate of sexual satisfaction by a significant margin. Oral sex and fingering is preferred by many women. Piv actually is I’ve of the worst ways to make women orgasm. It’s nice but it’s not the end all be all that heteronormative media makes it seem.