Throwaway as we are both active on Reddit
I 28M have a girlfriend 31F; as a disclaimer I understand that I have crossed some lines that I can’t uncross and am very lost about this so please some advice on whether or not I am being overly naive or overly sensitive.
Me and my SO have been together for about one year. She had a past of being on Seeking Arrangements where she would meet men who were relatively successful. She was open about this In the beginning of our relationship (was 4 years ago) so I didn’t think much of it. Long story short, about 3 months into our relationship (9mo ago) I was over at her apartment and I saw a designer bag in a box (she has about 8-9 of these from past relationships and gifts) and I had asked her about it. She had told me that she had bought it for herself and hasn’t had a chance to use it yet. A couple weeks later I find out from a mutual friend that she had lied and that her good friend (wealthy) had purchased the bag for her. I called her out on it, and she explained to me how she didn’t know how to tell me her friend bought the bag for her and how I might take it the wrong way. I forgave her, but I had brought the bag up to her a few times because of my discomfort of her receiving a gift that expensive (thousands). She told me that her resolution was that her and her friend would stop talking and hanging out, I told her she didn’t have to do that, but she told me that it was mutual because her friend didn’t want to get in the middle of our relationship. (I’ve never met him)
I never questioned it but in hindsight; I felt uncomfortable because I notice that she has a few very wealthy friends that take her out one on one and hangout, but she tells me they are completely platonic and all know about my existence. Fast forward to today, months after she has told me she cut ties with him, we were making dinner one evening and I saw his name pop up on her phone.
So I did something that Is unspeakable. I went through my SOs phone while she was in the shower. My SO has been struggling with money issues as of late.. and I had read the texts with her friend whom she told me she was no longer in contact with. She has been chatting with him for the last month, with messages that were semi cryptic regarding how if she was ever in financial trouble, he would always be there for her etc etc.
I know this was wrong. Now I have to sleep in the bed I made. Is this a friend who is wealthy that just doesn’t mind helping her ? Or is my girlfriend having a platonic sugar baby relationship?
Not sure if relevant, but I am relatively successful as well, so I’m not sure why she would rely on others for her financial distress, as I’ve vocalized in the past that I would always be there to support her (mentally/physically). This girl otherwise checks out all of the boxes so I’m heart broken that I’ve found this out. I really could see a future with her. Is our relationship a sham? How do I bring it up without revealing I looked through her phone? Is the fact that she didn’t tell me she was in contact with her friend again red flags enough? Please help.
7 comments
Dont even walk out the door jump out the fkin window for god sake, you must see that you’re setting yourself up for a shit load of hurt.
She lied to you about the bag and about about no longer talking to the person that made you uncomfortable. Is it possible all her wealthy friends are previous sugar daddy/mommy’s? Look honestly I would end it because she lied to you not once but at least twice that you know of already. A healthy relationship involves open and honest communication.
It’s only been a year, best to get out now so it hurts less.
It’s hard to credit. *Platonic.* The number of *platonic* sugar relationships out there must be rather less than the quantity claimed.
There is this old saying, you can get the sex worker out of the brothel but not the brothel out of the sex worker.
If you’re not okay with an “open relationship kind of thing” you better get out there as fast as you can.
Ok, the real advice…
Listen, I get that you feel conflicted because you condoned the sugaring in the past. I suggest you go to her and let her know that you’ve been conflicted but now final that your not ok with the sugaring. You could even apologize for the conlicting messages but that’s only because you were truly conflicted. Offer patience but agree on a time frame that she agrees to break away from it. If after she has committed to no more, she relapses, it’s a problem. I think this clarifies things further than where you have them now.
I would leave tbh 😭 I’ve been on the other end of this. Left a guy I genuinely loved because I was in a tough spot financially and an ex sugar daddy came back in the picture. Ain’t nothing platonic about what they have going on 🤷🏾♀️
It sounds like you’re the new sugar daddy but she’s still got her hooks in the old one. She has a job making 60k a year working 4 days a week and you pay 90% of the bills, how is she having financial problems?