Where to draw the line in mismatched libidos.

24 comments

1. I recommend the book ‘come as you are’ by emily nagoski. For both of you

2. I recommend the book ‘come as you are’ by emily nagoski. For both of you

3. From what I know based upon my own relationship and what I’ve read on here, mismatched libidos rarely change. The lower libido almost always controls the sexual portion of the relationship. It all depends upon how you feel about her and whether that is acceptable to you

4. Very common.

   I’m HL, Ideally every night, 2-3 times on a weekend day.

   I’d settle for 3 times a week if the relationship was otherwise great. Any less than that and I’m parting ways..

5. I think mismatches in libido are common, but I also think there should be compromise in LTR’s. I think it should be communicated that you feel you are missing this. Breaking up isn’t the only option, if she can’t meet your wants/needs then why not broach the topic of swinging or polyamory? If she wont’ budge on anything, then I think it’s a good idea to consider separating.

6. My fiancée and I are *slightly* mismatched (the tyranny of small differences) in the libido department, I like it once or twice a day, she could live with once every 2-3 days.

   We go back and forth with frequency. We had sex 3x in the past 24 hours, I know she loves our sex life (we’re very playful, adventurous, switch roles, just generally each really like making each other feel good), but that her batteries may need to recharge for a days, so to speak (and we definitely need to plug that vibrator in lol). So I won’t likely initiate anything for a few days, because I don’t ever want her to feel pressured to match my tempo.

   Another thing that has been super healthy and helpful for us is understanding that “sex” isn’t just PIV intercourse. There’s plenty of sessions where I will (for example) just finger her while she uses a vibrator on herself, and she will kiss and rub my body while I use a fleshlight on myself. Or if she’s not feeling like she wants any sexual contact herself, she’ll just give me oral, or use the fleshlight on me. Point being, sex being more fluid in nature means she can inhabit whatever role she is comfortable in at that moment, without all the pressure of intercourse. Sometimes she just likes to domme me and just tease me until I come without ever letting me touch her; sometimes she wants me to dominate her and hold her down and fuck her brains out. And sometimes she just needs a few days of cuddles, intimacy, cooking together, or going on dates with no initiation of sex.

   Point being, maybe think about how you define “sex” in your relationship. Would you derive the same satisfaction and pleasure if she gave you a handjob while she watched her favorite show? Are you allowing her the space to occupy all the different aspects of her sexuality? Or are you just looking for a routine “ten minutes of foreplay followed by intercourse”? Female sexuality is way more mental than ours (which in general is fairly mechanical), but honestly if you are keeping it fresh, playful and adventurous you’re more likely to have her more engaged in it.

   Last of all, an honest conversation about your needs. If she isn’t willing to meet you in the middle, and just wants to gatekeep all sexual interaction in the relationship, you will have a difficult rest of your relationship once you get married. Sexual incompatibility (usually as a result of libido) is a leading factor in many divorces. If she loves, values, and desires you, and respects your needs, she will find ways to compromise. If she doesn’t (either able, or willing) I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to reconsider the relationship. Life is too short to spend the rest of it with blue balls.

7. If you are into monogamy, it comes down to how much you are willing to go without. Low libido person sets the pace, and always will.

   Once a month pace is much lower than average, especially for a 29 year old woman. So if you are with someone else, it is very unlikely you’d encounter someone of that pace again. And if you stay, it is very possible that once every other month becomes the reality that you live for the rest of your life.

   It’ll damage your self esteem, lower your basic confidence, and likely reduce your ability and drive. My childhood friend has been in a relationship like this for 10 years, it has severely damaged his social abilities, and turned a confident outgoing young man into an angry and insecure middle aged man. It has affected his work as well because he’s become so insecure that he can’t have normal interactions with people.

   So in short, you decide. It’s up to you. But be aware of the very real risks to your personality, confidence, and even earning power.

   I’ll receive my downvotes and accusations now.

8. I have no idea about how common dead bedrooms are. But that’s really not important. You two are GREATLY mismatched. Only you can say if this relationship is satisfying you sexually.

   I can tell you that for a long time I told myself sex was not a good enough reason to leave a good man. But I distracted myself from the truth in very unhealthy ways. I became miserable, and my self esteem tanked. Even now that I finally left, I am still trying to heal, and the decades of rejection still haunts me.

   Be very careful. If you decide to stay, make sure you ACTUALLY are ok. And not just staying because you think only jerks leave over sex.

9. I personally think mismatched libidos are very common. Yes, you are always going to have the edge cases. But, for the post part men want more sex than women. It is just fact.

   The thing that I don’t often agree with though (and this is in no way finger pointing to OP) is that mismatched libido is often just the “default” excuse for not aligning sexually with your partner.

   Again, this is generally speaking from my opinion. Not everyone is the same obviously.

   I masturbate every day. I love it. Feels good. I love orgasms. many would say I have a very high libido. But. When I actually have sex with my wife, that extra connection and bond that is shared, satiates me quite well and my libido resets to about wanting actual sex in about 2-3 days.

   Every person that knows anything about my sex life would say my libido is off the charts. But, in true reality I am more than satiated with 2-3 times per week of actual intimate sex.

   I just don’t like when people blur the lines between orgasm and sex with their partner. And, to be honest, even the person themselves can have a hard time differentiating at times.

   As far as drawing the line. Only you can answer that.

   Me personally, no, I could not handle only having sex once per month. But, that is just me.

   I think why you want to have sex also plays a huge role in understanding libido. Are you just wanting to bust a nut. Are you seeking validation and being desired by your partner. Are you seeking the mental connection. Are you seeking human touch.

   To understand your (and your partner’s) libido, I think all these questions/topics and more need to be answered and discussed.

   A lot of people recommend “come as you are” and although I have never read it, I have a feeling that a lot of what I rambled on about above is talked about in the book (I could be very wrong though).

   YMMV

10. Yes, I’ve been married 25 years (and shit, I swear it doesn’t seem that long ago) and think it’s just the natural ebb and flow in relationships. The important thing is that the two of you respect that this will happen from time to time and discuss it when it gets to the point that it’s effecting you. It’s easy to fall into a routine when you’ve been with someone after a while. Change things up. Doing something spontaneous. Try initiating with gestures and helpfulness in addition to being physical. Don’t throw away something that is otherwise seemingly good just bc you are having a slump at the moment. I can promise that we all go through it.

11. It depends on what you are willing to live with and what is more important to you. I have a very high libido and while I cared very much for my bf, having sex 4 times a month with very little if any piv orgasms was actually making me want to cry for lack of sex. I can go for six times a day sometimes but would be happy with once a day if daily.
    After four years I eventually realised how it had a physical effect on me because my body was very clearly craving something it wasnt getting.

    The hard part is when you break up and they ask why. I didn’t want to hurt him and he is a pleaser in the bedroom but It wasn’t enough. I told him Ona. Physical level we are not compatible and while mentally and emotionally I am there in the relationship, physically I can no longer carry on.

    It also had an effect on my libido because I wasn’t getting much. Most of the relationship I got myself off.

12. When you say that sex isn’t something she’s thinking about, what does that mean exactly? She only initiates sex once a month? Or she only actually wants sex once a month?

    The distinction is actually important. For the longest time i thought i had a low libido, and i felt increasingly bad about turning my partner down for sex or not initiating it myself. It turns out that i have a reactive libido. I do want sex, i just need to be put in the right mindset and i need to be turned on in a way that’s compatible with my libido. We figured out that the way he was initiating sex just wasn’t cutting it for me, and we figured out what i need and how i need it to be turned on and more likely to agree when he wants sex, and initiate it myself.

13. Mismatch libidos are common especially in marriages and I can tell you that nit a single HL person would agree to go through this all over again if they knew what they were getting into. You can stay with her and build a life together but you will ne miserable for the rest of your life. And you will think about cheating, A LOT. And the fact that you already know her libido is going to be a card she’ll throw T your face every time you complain about the lack of sex.

14. The closer the match the greater the bliss 😊
    The bigger the gap the riskier the relationship
    It was a deal breaking issue for me. The new wife 😍 👌

15. I think it’s a common issue tbh. I’m a 32F and I’m happy to settle for sex once weekly and even that’s been causing issues with my SO (30M). My biggest issue is that I wouldn’t feel as salty about it being a little less than once a week **if** I knew my partner wasn’t getting himself off in between. I don’t think it’s fair for a person to take care of their own needs while completely ignoring their partners.

    You have to decide how big of a deal sex is to you. Is this causing you depression or stress bc you can’t have sex with your partner as much as you’d like? Is your partner willing to compromise at all? Only you can decide if it’s worth it to stay.

    For some people, the benefits outside of sex are enough to outweigh the downside of having a LL partner. For others, it’s better to call it quits and move on. It’s really just situation dependent.

16. Hello! I’m HLF, I’d love it all day and night, and my husband is LLM. He controls the sex life and understands that I’ll be a massive bitch without an orgasm. I live on the road with my job and I’m always in a high stress environment. He tries his hardest to have as much sex as possible, when we see each other. When we got married, we were having sex once a month and it turned to once every 3 months. If you love someone, you can deal with it. You don’t have to put up with it. There have been soooo many times when I wanted to walk away but I was afraid. I’m happy that I stuck it out because he is genuinely trying for me. I know it’s different when it’s a man in my circumstance. We are here for you.

17. that bug a dusparity, you WILL grow resentful, and it will put a lot of pressure on your relationship. i could go every day, more than once a day. my husband could go a few times a month and be fine. we average about twice a week. its still way less than i would like, but if i were only getting it less than a handful of times a month, we would not still be together. we just celebrated our 13th anniversary last weekend. its taken a lot of vonversations and even some fighs to get to this point

18. 1. Very common
    2. If you’ve had a conversation that this is a dealbreaker and no commitment and demonstration that y’all are getting on the same page has been forthcoming.

    If she’s super perfect outside of sex, I’d take the effort to talk about it and let her know you’re thinking of ending it over this and you really don’t want to. She may not be able to change, but on the other hand, what you said – that she doesn’t think of sex often – really struck a chord with me. I was the same after my kids were born. LL, never thought about sex *because I wasn’t thinking about sex*. It was a cycle. I read an article that suggested thinking about sex more – just making yourself notice things that were phallic, notice attractive people around you, dress sexier, fake it til you make it stuff. It worked SO WELL that I’m the HL in my relationship now, and my husband is the rate limiting step.

    Certainly worth a try with a partner you really love. But if nothing changes, I’d also recommend moving on, because that’s a very serious mismatch.

19. I think toys will open up your sex life. Her libido may not change, but being willing to engage sexually without just sex will be a game changer. My boyfriend doesn’t have a very high libido whereas I do, and sometimes he will just finger me while I use a vibrator or kiss me while I masturbate. Sometimes we will just mutually masturbate. I think if she doesn’t feel pressured to go through with full intercourse- the pain, the effort, the cleanup- everytime you feel horny, she might be happier to engage with you more often

20. It’s pretty common, I have a much higher and more inconsistent libido then my partner. I would happily have sex multiple times a day going into fits of intense arousal where as my partner will only really ask for sex one a month but will do it with me one a week.

    Talk to your partner about this and come to the right conclusion together. This might involve opening the relationship, redefining what sex means to you too (your partner might not be up for penetration but might be more open to hand jobs or you can find a way for her to be more involved in your masterbation)

    If this becomes a big issue and you too can’t find a happy solution ask yourself if you would be happy in a relationship like this.

21. As is common with dead bedroom problems The problem isn’t so much the lack of sex it’s the fact that the other person doesn’t really seem to care. She’s made it clear she’s happy with once a month, she’s not interested in different positions, she’s not interested in toys. She just doesn’t care enough about this to put any more effort in.

22. Speaking from personal experience , some women just value other forms of intimacy much more than sex. For a woman to have sex sometimes it takes a lot of mental preparation and personally for me it’s just not something that is a need. My partner in the past has been upset over our mismatched libidos , but he now understands that it’s a lot more complex for women to be aroused / want to have sex and he no longer takes it personally , it’s up to you whether you take it personally and let it make you self conscious etc. or make the distinction that maybe her lack of interest in sex actually has nothing to do with you and is just how she feels, sex just doesn’t feel anywhere near as great for women and it can cause a lot of discomfort if we do it just for the sake of doing it and surely it wouldn’t be as enjoyable for the guy either as there wouldn’t be real enthusiasm? The key thing in a relationship is to love and respect each other no matter what , makes me sad that sex is seen as something that can be a deal breaker in a relationship that is otherwise healthy / successful :/ I know every time my partner has brought up lack of sex it’s simply made me want to do it even less because then it’s just feels like there’s a pressure on you to perform and you feel like there’s something wrong with you.. I know you feel like you’re missing out but if you truly love your partner I think you can learn to accept when they don’t want to sleep with you as frequently as you’d like to and realise that it’s not at all your fault , for some women like myself it’s just not that big of a deal. If she takes birth control too or anything like that , that shit DRAINS your libido as I have learned after taking it for years , which sucks majorly and its definitely taken a toll. Non sexual forms of intimacy are so so so much important than sex , and it’ll make your relationship so much stronger and more genuine. For the people saying it’s abnormal for a 29 year old woman to experience low libido , I’m literally 21 and have been feeling this way since age 19/20 so age really has nothing to do with it in most cases, people my age should be wanting to fuck 24/7 according to societal norms which is just not how it is. I really hope that you can resolve this issue in some way , it sucks wanting something much more than someone else , but there’s just so much that goes into it that you must consider.

23. My husband and I are mismatched. I always want more intimacy, it’s how I feel connected and loved. I’d like it daily, and for him it’s kinda more casual, maybe a few times a month. It’s definitely our biggest point of contention, BUT the relationship is still worth it to me, even with the mismatch.

    We’ve been together for about 15 years, married for 6. I’ve had to learn to ask to have my needs met and ask him to compromise with me, without crossing the line into coercion which is something I regretfully did out of ignorance in our younger years.

    I think it’s something you have to decide if you can live with, decide as a couple if there’s compromise to be had and if this negative outweighs the positives of the relationship. Only you two know the answer to that, not us.

24. Mismatched libidos are very common. If you think about it, given that libido varies among people from wanting it several times a day to a few times a year and everything in between, then pick any two people at random and a mismatch is very likely. Unfortunately, those are the odds.

    As to where to draw the line, that probably depends on the HL partner’s willingness to forego as much sex as they want, or the LL partner’s willingness to have more than they want. How important is sex to you? You already know it isn’t important to your partner.

    For me (65m), sex is very important. I can’t imagine being in a relationship where there was a significant mismatch. Happily, my wife (67f) and I are almost perfectly matched, and honestly it’s like heaven on earth. I feel sorry for anyone who never gets to experience that.