I (25F) am dating (32M), let’s call him Harry, since the past 5 years. We are are from different cultures and countries so there are already cultural differences.
Overall, the relationship has matured in the last 5 years I would say. We do talk about marriage, having kids etc.
Harry is someone who would NEVER apologise first even if it’s fault. 8/10 times I apologise/ initiate a conversation with him after a fight. And the MOST I would get from him is ‘hmm’. He will not say anything in the conversation, not share his feelings or emotions at all with me and most of the time he will also start playing a video game in the middle of a conversation. All of this is starting to really affect since I feel like he is taking me for granted. I know that he used to act the same with his family before, but that was in his teens. He’s 32 now and still can’t resolve our disputes which makes me mad
He is also someone who has no problem going to sleep mad at each other. We haven’t talked in 3 days now and we live together.. I tried to talk to him today but I got no response from him
I am also someone who in a relationship spoils the other person with gifts and love. And he is the opposite. I have learnt to lower my expectations being with him but sometimes I still wonder why he won’t treat me the way I treat him. I have also realised that we have different expectations and values in life but I am really scared to break things off since this has been my longest relationship to date.
TLDR: My bf who is in his 30’s never apologises first, nor has a healthy discussion during arguments
5 comments
Look up attachment theory. He is likely dismissive avoidant. It’s very frustrating to be in a relationship with somebody like that. They don’t even realize they’re doing anything wrong.
Anything bothering you before marriage is going to be multiplied by 10 when you’re in the marriage.
Don’t get married and expect him to change. He will resent you for not being happy for who he is and you’ll resent him for not changing for you.
Just reading this, and it strikes me of how certain you are that you are better seemingly in all ways. Better at apologizing, better at knowing who contributes more, better at understanding him.
Do you look down on him or think him inferior to you? Do you think that these feelings of yours impact the way in which you speak to him? I would be hard pressed to feel safe to express myself in such a dynamic.
It’s not okay that he has no problem going to sleep mad at each other. That’s not how a healthy relationship should be. Communication is key, and it’s crucial that both partners make an effort to resolve conflicts and come to a resolution.
lowering your expectations isn’t a solution, It’s not right that he doesn’t treat you the way you treat him. Relationships are about give and take, and it doesn’t sound like Harry is putting in any effort on his end.
It’s scary to think about ending a long relationship, but if it’s not fulfilling and not making you happy, it may be time to reevaluate and consider what’s best for you. You deserve to be with someone who treats you with love, respect and kindness.
As the saying goes, “Everyone gets older. Not everyone grows up.”
It sounds like you’ve matured over these 5 years, and understand what is and isn’t healthy relationship behavior, while his maturity has stayed he same.