Trigger Warning: SA.
So in my last relationship of almost a year, I mostly had sex without a condom. I’d pull out and finish on her, or if I wore a condom I could finish inside her. She was on BC and we had some fun adventures sexually, but it was always just rough D/s sex and doesn’t come close to the level of romantic sex and intimacy I have now with this new girlfriend. The level of love and passion is just out of this world – we’ve always got music, candles, and dimmed lights going, and she cums constantly (10-20 times) when we have sex, so I’m always feeling like a god, and we often finish at the same time. It’s really fucking cool.
The issue is that my new girlfriend is not on BC, and we do want to have kids someday (so vasectomy is not an option). In addition to this, she’s experienced and healed from one past (but serious) SA experience in college. And since then, a couple boyfriends have taken condoms off while having sex with her, against her consent. And then even more recently, she had another SA experience about a month before we met. She spent years in therapy to heal this, and months taking Plan B during relationships because of these shitty people. She also has a bad history with trying different forms of female BC that always fucked up her body or hormones in some way.
So basically, she’s this absolute goddess of passion and affection. She’s also really fucking strong and I admire her for having to go through so much but staying so resilient and strong and loving. But she seems to not want my semen inside her, or on her, in any way. And I’m trying to come to understand what we can do, within her boundaries, that might help improve my orgasms. Because at the moment, I have to pull out + condom, or she takes me out of her mouth when I cum during a BJ. It feels like an amazing buildup for me, but sometimes the orgasms feel “ruined” like you might experience when you get RIGHT there, and then everything stops.
I think I’d be into having her play with my ass (I’ve done this a lot when masturbating) and that stimulation might improve my orgasms. I also think it would work if she gave me a handjob after I pulled out, so I don’t have to “jerk myself off” but that might be hard unless she’s really quick to grab me in just the right way. Her being on top might be the best position for this.
Is there anything else you guys can think of?
She has said that over time with more trust, she might open to some things – like me being able to stay inside of her while I finish, or her spitting during a BJ instead of just using her hands – but I now understand that I need to avoid asking for these things, at least for some time, because they lead to triggering moments for her.
Help a guy out? I love this woman, but worry that not feeling sexually fulfilled is going to lead to me having feelings of resentment. I feel like I should be totally happy with her, but also kind of hate that my last gf was cool with not using condoms, because I loved the feeling of that.
9 comments
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what’s the big deal about not cumming on her or inside her? just cum in the condom. I’m confused why this would build resentment towards her as it’s really not asking a lot and a clear boundary she set with you due to trauma. I know from experience with past guys I’ve been with it feels better cumming inside, but I don’t see what the difference is between finishing in a condom vs finishing on her.
I’m not sure if she’d be ok with this but maybe give her clear warning before you’re about to finish, then take the condom off and cum on your stomach or something. My ex would do this, you just kind of need your timing right. I don’t have any other suggestions, I’d say wait it out until she trusts you more and becomes more comfortable. Until then, stop being so picky
good luck 🙂
Have you talked to her about why she doesn’t want your cum on her? I understand not wanting cum in her if she’s not on birth control but she’s not going to get pregnant if you cum on her tits
I’d be straight up with her and explain that while you want to respect her limits, you also want to enjoy a greater sense of sexual fulfillment in the ways you have sex. The question becomes: what kinds of compromises are possible between you, assuming there are any?
The point isn’t to push her limits past the point of comfort but you shouldn’t also be sacrificing your sense of fulfillment to accommodate that comfort.
Maybe there’s a middle ground that works. Or maybe you realize the gulf between is too large to bridge.
This is what toys are for. Get a fleshlight or a sleeve and she can use those for a hand job. Or just leave the condom on during the HJ. Or you can place the fleshlight between you and you two can touch each other while you thrust.
Some women have a semen allergy. What would you do if she was one of them? Stop thinking of this as an area where she could be flexible and start thinking creatively.
Trying to push her trauma-based boundaries won’t help her heal faster. Telling her that you want her to move her boundaries because your orgasms aren’t good enough is going to erode her trust. You’d literally be putting a better orgasm over her mental health. She’d not be able to forget that you are carrying this thought around with you. BUT, telling her that you’re exploring every avenue to accommodate her needs while avoiding the abrupt end of sexy time that your orgasm brings will likely be received positively.
My wife hates! Cum anywhere on her. Just has to do with body fluids in general. Could be this?
Lucky for me she doesn’t mind creampies.
How long have you been with this person?
Anal
I pull out exclusively with my wife during PIV, but not at the last minute right before ejaculation. Just when she is done cumming. Often I go on my back. She sucks my balls and pinches my nipples and caresses me all over while i jerk off slowly, feeling every sensation. I ride the edge, sometimes for 5 minutes or more. She sucks harder and harder until I explode. Even if I could cum inside her I would do this more often than not (the case with many other partners) because it’s way more intense with all those fingers prodding and lips sucking.