My husband (41m) and I (31f) have been married for 4.5 years. We’re not in love anymore. We’ve tried therapy, date nights, romantic vacations, etc. and the spark isn’t there. I understand that love is a choice after that initial infatuation wears off, and I choose him everyday. But I’m not sure it’s reciprocated.
We just got back from a week at an all-inclusive in Mexico. I was hoping it would ignite that spark again. Instead, the first night he set a boundary with me to not be affectionate as it seemed “fake.” Sure, we haven’t had affection lately (9 months since we were intimate, not my choice), but I was hoping the trip would be a chance to change that. Instead I was shut down on day one. The rest of the trip we basically spent time apart with the exception of breakfast and dinner, and the most intimate we got was an instance or two of hand holding.
I guess I’m at a loss. We’re in therapy for the third time, we’re taking romantic trips…if none of this brings back the “spark,” what will? I’ve tried everything.
Seeing couples at the resort enjoying each other, spending time together, being affectionate…it made me so sad that we don’t have that. And I fear we never will again.
Is this normal? Will it pass? Or is it over?
9 comments
This isn’t normal. I am not Dr Reddit but this is utterly abnormal behavior. It sounded like he didn’t want to even be there which tells me there may be someone else. No one sets up boundaries like that on the first day. Especially if you are there to spark romance. He didn’t want romance. Why not? He may have it with someone else. I hate to say that to you and I certainly don’t want to hurt you, but he is hurting you deeply and if he is cheating, he won’t change. Give him the ultimatum “Fish or Cut Bait.” You deserve to be adored and tolerated.
I hope there are no children. Sounds like it’s over.
Is there any evidence of an affair?
No, this is not normal.
Love is a choice. You decide your words/actions and those words/actions determine if your love continues. You can wake up every day and choose to love your spouse or you can choose not to.
He’s choosing not to. I’m sorry.
There’s a big difference between being in love, but that amorous spark waning, and being uninterested
My husband and I have had long stretches without sex but the compliments, kindness, hugs and kisses have never stopped
He sounds like he doesn’t care
My guess, it’s over. There is only so much work and tries and therapy one can do but one day you have to realize, it’s over. Especially if it’s only you doing this work.
It shouldn’t be normal. Love is a choice, but it takes 2.
Sometimes people just have to call it quits not saying anything bad is going on but the way life is anymore it seams like people just grow apart it’s silly really but life gets it’s grip on a Marrage and it’s never the same .
This is so far from normal it’s ridiculous! There has to be something deeper or nefarious behind this kind of behavior. Why did you all even go on this trip?