I met Jay last year at college. We just started talking one day and hit it off incredibly well. Like, he was the fastest and closest friend I had made in my life. I had “friends” in high school but they were more like guys who I just hung out with to pass time. Jay, however, is different. We have so much in common and I’ve never been able to talk to anyone as easily as I can talk to him. He’s funny, much smarter than me, kinder than I could ever be, and always seems to know what to say no matter the situation. He’s also, objectively, a really attractive guy. He’s way cooler and better than I am, and yet he still spends all his free time with me. I was a bit uneasy starting college because I didn’t have any friends and would be far from home, but it has been amazing almost entirely because of him. In only a year, I started to think of Jay as a true, best friend.
I didn’t know he was gay. He never told me, which is perfectly fine, and he doesn’t “act gay”. But I don’t really think that “acting gay” means anything. I’ve never questioned my sexuality mainly because I’ve never had any real relationships. I dated two girls throughout highschool for less than three months combined…I’m just not a very romance/sex heavy person. It’s never been on the forefront of my mind. Until two days ago, however, when Jay called saying he wanted to have a talk.
I was scared and thought maybe something happened. But he came to my dorm, sat down and came out as gay. To me, at least. He said he knew he was gay since middle school, but tried to hide it because of his parents. I’ve never seen anything wrong with being gay, I mean it’s just love right? So I obviously told him I support him and thanked him for coming out to me. (I’m still embarrassed because I don’t know if you’re supposed to thank someone for being gay…) He seemed happy at first but then got all upset and told me he was sorry. And confessed that he really, really liked me, romantically (and sexually I guess?) I was shocked, and speechless really. He got very sad and told me that I didn’t have to say anything and that he hoped we could still be friends. Then he left and said he’ll give me some space. We haven’t talked in the two days since and I feel really shitty.
I’ve thought a lot. Too much, really, about him and how he likes me. My problem is that I want to try going out with him, but I don’t want to hurt him if I’m not gay. I’ve never cared about someone as much as I care about Jay, and all I could think about these past two days is how damn depressed I’d be if we stopped hanging out and being close. I think I could love him, and a large part of me wants to try, but I’m also very afraid of what would happen if we started dating and it turns out I didn’t like guys. Because I’m still not sure I do like guys. I can’t see myself with just any random guy. But Jay’s not a random guy, and in every scenario my brain comes up with, Jay’s always there beside me and we’re laughing having fun.
I need some advice. I’m desperate to not make the wrong decision.
6 comments
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I think you should just be honest with him. Tell him what you wrote here.
It might work out, it might not. But that’s true in any relationship. Your friendship will be different either way, but it’s ok. Be respectful and considerate of each other and you’ll be fine.
Mjay? J…..
I think you’re focusing too much on the thought of not being gay or liking guys when it might be as simple as saying you like Jay. There must be something there right if you’re willing to give it a go? If not, it would be detrimental toward you both if you went out with him solely to keep him as a friend
Give it a shot, but explain to him everything that you put in this post. Hell, just show him the post.
I am bi myself, and back when I was in college/med school I had a friend who went through a bad breakup. I’d had a crush on him for a while, and we started fooling around and hanging out more. I even went to a wedding with him as his +1.
We weren’t/aren’t nearly as close as you and Jay are, but most of my closest friends (including him) all lived together and I was hanging out with them two or three times a week.
In the end, after a few months, he decided that he liked me but he just isn’t into guys.
No big deal, and we have stayed friends for well over a decade now.
The key reason it worked is because we didn’t let it be awkward after. I knew going in that he may not be into guys, and he was honest from the start. We communicated about it, and when he made up his mind it wasn’t a surprise. We respected each other, and just moved on.
Be up front about what you’re feeling and how much you care for Jay, and treat each other with respect. If you do that, you can’t go wrong here. Have fun!
This is coming from the opposite perspective. I’m gay. Most people don’t realize it/ are surprised to learn I am. I don’t hide it or anything, it’s just apparently not obvious.
Anyway. I made a similar “best friend”. He was shocked to learn I was gay. We started hooking up. He eventually came out as bisexual, broke up with his girlfriend and I was as happy as I’d ever been in life. Talked about marriage, stuff like that. He started having panic attacks. Grew up very conservative and eventually “decided” he “didn’t want to be gay”.
I’m not sure either of us have been truly happy in years. Listen to the others in this thread. It’s 2023. Fuck labels. If you’ve found someone that makes you happy, embrace it. It only comes around a few times in life if you’re lucky.