First of all, sorry for any mistakes/weird turn of phrases as English is not my first language.
Anyway, the title basically says it all.
Five years ago, I moved away from home to study (about 8 hours away by plane, in a completely different time zone). There’s nothing unusual about it in my community. I come from a small island and almost everyone leaves (or knows someone who had to leave) at some point to study, to work… and then usually comes back. To give context, in my family, I’m part of the third generation who left when they were 18-19 to pursue higher education. We all left to go to the same country, even the same city in some cases.
Back to the subject. After high school, I moved to a different part of the island to study. It was a 45-min car ride from home but it was easier for me to rent a studio in the new town. I still went home every weekend. My mom called me in the morning when I was waking up and in the evening when I was coming home. Every day. She insisted on it. She was pissed if I did not reply. It lasted two years.
At the age of 19, I left the island. I can only come home once or twice a year because the plane tickets are so expensive. There is a six-hour time difference so of course she can’t call so now we must text. I’m ahead in time so I’m the one who has to text first. If I do not, she immediately worries or goes straight to accusatory mode : “Why don’t you want to give me news ?” “Why don’t you care ?” The same thing happens in the evening. If I have not replied by 9 pm (in my time zone) she immediately calls, leaves worried messages and then is extremely cold in the next few days. Apart from the daily texting, we also call each other once a week, usually for 2+ hours.
She has complained in the past that my messages are too robotic and monosyllabic. *Of course*, because I’m forced to send them every day even when I have literally nothing to talk about. At this point, I don’t do it because I genuinely want to, I do it to check it off my to-do list and not have to deal with the meltdown. I would much rather we do something more organic when we text when we feel like it and keep the weekly call. I have tried telling her that but all she hears is “I don’t want to talk to you at all.”
I know she means well and she is worried about me (for no particular reason, she is a natural worrier) but I also know that our “attachment” styles don’t match. I don’t feel the need to talk to someone every day to feel close to them and I am more independent whereas when she was a student abroad she had her family write weekly letters and would be very down whenever there was a delay. She also texts her own mother every day so she believes it’s natural for me to want to do the same.
I’m also an only child and my dad left about 7 years ago (right when I was getting ready to move out myself) and sometimes I feel like she latched on to me. For example, the last time I went home, a few days before I was scheduled to take the plane back, she said “So, how excited are you to abandon me again ?” in a kind-of pathetic voice. Other people in the family have also noticed this behavior.
So how can I tell her that I love her and want to communicate with her but that there is no point of forcing texting daily when we have nothing to say ? Sorry for the long text, just wanted to give as much info as possible.
TL;DR : My mom wants us to text daily but complains that I’m not enthusiastic enough about it. I want to tell that we should reduce the frequency but she has a tendency to think that I want to abandon her.
3 comments
I hate to say it, but this is going to be a long, slow negotiation where neither of you are going to get exactly what you want.
With that in mind, start small. Tell her that there’s no point in speaking when she turns cold or has a “meltdown” precisely because you two already speak far more than most mothers and daughters. And don’t be afraid to say “I’m worm out today. Talk to you tomorrow.”
It assures her that you’re not giving up on communication and sets a hard date for when she can text back and expect a response. Maybe in 5 years you’ll go two days at a time, who knows. But carving out an incremental amount of time is where you start.
I think you are not being fair to your mom. She is going through an empty nest syndrome and needs empathy and not your rejection. It’s not impossible for you to carve out a few minutes everyday to talk to her. You actually should be doing it otherwise you are going to create an emotional distance that’ll be hard to cover later
My mom passed away before 60. I texted her all the time, I texted her and called her almost every day. She was my best friend in the world. I wish she was here to text every day.