My boyfriend (m/26) and I (f/26) are together for about two years now. Our sexual relationship started close to that. He has a dominant character – inside and outside the bedroom.
So the sex was rough from the beginning: slapping, choking, spitting, forcing. I enjoyed it at that time, mainly because I wasn’t too attached and because I gained own pleasure off of pleasuring him. But as our relationship progressed, it felt more and more wrong to me. I changed – maybe due to the discovery of feminist literature or due to self respect I learned in my last three years of therapy.
Sometimes he hit me really hard. Especially the slaps in my face. One time he pulled my hair so bad, that my neck cracked and I was in pain for days. He rarely gives
me oral sex and if he does, it seems coerced and he immediately looses his erection. At first I thought, maybe it’s my taste – even though no man ever before told me so or made the impression. There usually isn’t any kind of foreplay and instead of asking why I’m not getting wet, he uses his spit. At this point I feel like he just doesn’t enjoys my pleasure at all.
I tried to talk with him about it, but he told me he would love to lick me. I also asked him for more softer sex, to touch and stroke me more, but nothing really changed.
There is this quote: „The secret ingredient to sex is love“ and it feels like it’s missing. He does love me very much and he shows me every day, but when it comes to sex it’s just all about him. What can I say to make him understand? Is there a even a chance this will change?
12 comments
Set your boundaries and if he can’t respect that, then you have some decisions to make
You sit down in a non sexual situation and tell him everything you have told us. If he’s not interested in your happiness and pleasure, then you need to decide if this is really the situation you want to stay in.
It could be that you are sexually incompatible. Difficult to change, and he clearly isn’t trying very hard.
First, I will say don’t worry about him not being hard when giving oral. That isn’t uncommon, doing a good job can take concentration and sometimes you can stay that way, other times you won’t.
Regarding the rest of it, that will have to be a serious conversation. I don’t think anyone blames you for feeling the way that you do. Some people get off on that sort of thing, and for others, it can be a total turnoff. You can tell him no to things during the act, before it, etc. Your enjoyment shouldn’t be any less of a priority than his, and right now it seems out of balance.
May I suggest some BDSM basics? Things like discussing the specifics outside of the bedroom before doing anything. Things like aftercare requirements. And he needs to learn how to slap and pull hair correctly. He clearly doesn’t. If the feminist literature is shaming your choices, how is it any different than the religious right shaming your choices? I personally resent the implication that a woman who enjoys and gives consent to whatever her sexual pleasure is is somehow missing self-respect. If my YES is somehow questioned as valid, questioning my NO becomes easier. Questioning my ability to consent makes rape culture the norm. It makes those who question it collaborators in undermining my NO. How is “She says yes, but she doesn’t really mean it…” different from “She says no, but she really, secretly wants it…”???????
Anyways, set up a time to have this conversation when you both aren’t rushed, are well rested and fed. Tell him ypujeed to renegotiate consent. Then get very specific about it. Once you have established clear boundaries and limits, then ask him to commit to them.
The one thing you didn’t mention was a safeword system to communicate in the moment. Please set one up. The stoplight method is easy. Green for go, yellow for slow down and prepare to stop, red for stop this thing and saying SAFEWORD for everything to stop and for aftercare to begin immediately.
If once you’ve had this discussion, eliminated things you don’t want, instituted a safeword and aftercare, things don’t change, then he’s not safe. Love is the least of your problems then.
> Bf doesn’t enjoy my pleasure
That statement on its own should be an immediate disqualification for boyfriend status, full stop.
You were game for indulging his kinks and you even derived pleasure from giving him pleasure. Yet he can’t be bothered to engage with you the way you want and need sexually, and experiences no pleasure from giving you pleasure? That’s not OK from a committed partner. It’s just not.
Even if he doesn’t seem abusive in other ways, this is an abusive dynamic that slowly tears away at your sense of self-worth. It makes you start to doubt that you are worthy of having your needs met in the relationship; that you matter as a person; that your pleasure is valid and necessary.
Don’t let the other things he does blind you to this reality.
Your bf isn’t going to change and you aren’t going to become more comfortable with it. Leave him.
In my opinion, real love is selfless. My wife’s needs come before my own in bed and everywhere else. She also looks out for my needs the same way I look out for hers.
Your needs should matter to him in any serious, loving relationship. If they don’t, well, I don’t want to make you upset, but I don’t think that’s a good sign.
Even if he’s a kinky sadist, 1) that requires clearly expressed and well-negotiated consent from everyone involved, and 2) he should be doing it safely. Injuring your neck indicates he hasn’t done the research and practice necessary to make sure he can be sadistic in a safe way.
This isn’t a person I would feel safe around, personally. And I say that as a masochistic submissive with a lot of kink experience.
Real dommes do things with consent, and usually have the empathy to tell if the “pleasure “ they are trying to administer is well received. Some dudes call themselves dominant because they are an
impenetrable fortress of insecurity and coping mechanisms. And they view them trying to defend their fragile ego with endless passion as some sort of rite of passage into masculinity, when I feel it could be the opposite. If you didn’t consent WHOLLY to what’s being done to you maybe it’s considered abuse? I’m not sure, anyhow from stranger to stranger I’d say reciprocity is not much to ask for, and if trying to reach the one you want to bridge the gap with causes tension, then they are dealing with something that has nothing to do with your relationship, and their inability to separate the two will only cause chaos between the two of you, so you either change lanes, or make a stand and ask for what you deserve, love& respect in a way that’s conducive to your growth, cheers! I think you’re asking for intimacy, and that’s like, the foundation of a relationship i think 🙃
Pleated skirt, white shirt and knee highs as a surprise. Hand him a strong drink and have him sit in a chair. Lay across his lap and tell him you’ve been very naughty and after your spanking you want him to teach you how to give him the best blow job he’s ever had. Your sex life will never be the same. Besides being fun and naughty you will open your communication in such a way that these issues will never be a problem again. Been married decades but keep and use the skirt regularly.
why r u even still w the guy?? like be fr w urself