I (35F) quit all social media ten years ago (unless you count reddit). When I say social medias I mean places where I would post pictures and thoughts, update my status, video shorts or anything like that.
This means I’m so freakin used to not taking pictures of myself, food, surroundings or anything. I practice buddhism and am comfortable with being where I am without reaching for my phone to document things or check in on the rest of the world. I have a healthy amount of space between my immediate happenings and everything else and am great with it. I love it. I also realize this is absolutely not what my peers are used to in terms of dating. Correct me if I’m wrong. I am sure there are people who rarely post of themselves etc. but I’m speaking on my comfort level/desire to take and send photos of myself. I think its safe to say my peers are used to selfies, videos, social media access to content their SO creates, etc. and feel comforted by it. I do send pictures or short videos to people I love and care about; friends, family, people I am dating and interested in. But they do not measure up to the amount of content people are used to consuming about one another.
I think I might be the problem in that I feel like distance is felt at some point even in the best of new relationship beginnings. Recently I started dating a great (44M) guy. He is not into the phone very much just as I am not. That’s fine, and actually great. But despite how great things have been and him confessing he has fallen in love with me, when I moved for work a couple months after we met, he has fallen away. I can’t help but think if only I was more comfortable and sassy with taking pictures and sending updates or just being on social so he can stay tuned he would feel more connected. I almost wonder if by not being on social media, and not being hardwired to document and send content to people, I am inadvertently distancing myself from the kind of information an SO wants and would make him feel special. That being said I don’t send absolutely nothing. Its just not the amount of info I think people are used to consuming of each other. So I appear aloof.
The thing is I am super outgoing and always available to text or take a call/FaceTime, send a joke, or support someone in need and am present for everyone in my life. But I don’t lean toward random visual content sharing. And I believe that may be very important for many people.
I wouldn’t change how I am happy about being social media free for anyone, nor could I. But I do feel the sting of feeling like if only I could whip out the phone and be more spontaneous. These realizations only happen after its too late. I really liked this guy.
Tldr; 35 year old starting to feel like a lack of social media and comfort with sending content is the demise of new relationships
5 comments
I don’t get why you connect him losing interest with your lack of social media usage. You even say he also wasn’t on his phone much. You mention a move, which sounds much more relevant than your social media usage. But it’s also hard to read much into one relationship anyway.
I dont think social media usage really affects most relationships. My bf literally posts once a year and i probably a couple times a year just when something big happens. I send him photos of me and funny parts of my day but its not even daily i mean maybe because we live together but i think even if we didnt it wouldnt be that much that we send back and forth mostly just texting and calling. I wouldnt say thats hurting your relationships especially at 35. Typically the chronically online are the early 20s, teens bunch.
I’m your age and it’s not as weird as you think it is to not use social media. I don’t use it and I don’t have any friends that do (and I have a lot of friends). My younger brother and no one in my family uses social media. No man I have ever dated has cared at all. I do have accounts and I’ll send friends memes and waste time on the apps, that’s all. I never post. No one in my life posts and if they do I wouldnt see it anyway.
The only people that know what I’m up to know because I see them in person or talk to them on the phone. And frankly, if I don’t see you in person or talk to you on the phone, I really don’t care what you’re up to either. That’s normal. There’s nothing wrong with that. If that bothers somebody, that’s fine but it’s not my problem.
If you’re not a part of that world, don’t try to be. It’s just like any other hobby, really. If you’re dating a guy that’s obsessed with rock climbing, are you going to feel like you have to be equally as in to rock climbing?
I mean, people did long distance relationships and kept in touch just fine before the discovery of computers and cell phones. I’m around the same age as you so I grew up with landline phones and that was the main way to communicate with my friends when I wasn’t in school. I even wrote letters in the early 90s and 2000s to friends from out of state. I called my SO every other night for an hour when we were long distance and we barely texted back and forth.
Sounds like this guy’s not into keeping updates through social media or texting so I don’t understand how you using social media and sending memes would make a difference. I think you should ask yourself if he’s invest in this relationship in the first place because that seems to be the issue. When you like the person you’re dating and is committed to a relationship then you will keep in touch. He could say anything he wants but if if he isn’t reaching out and contacting you then is he even a BF at this point?
It sounds like you simply moved and that has caused you to drift apart. That’s pretty normal and predictable. Nothing to do with social media. Just a guess but maybe you’re mind is going to blaming that because that’s easier to blame than realising you chose to move which has caused a breakdown in your relationship.
Most people in their thirties (in my peer groups anyway) are not that into social media unless they’re an influencer or something. Even if they are, their partner being on social media or not is just completely irrelevant to most at this age. For me I have a couple friends that post all the time, whose partners don’t post. The rest of the people I know post a couple times a year, never, or have deleted most or all social media.