So I’ve recently been learning how to set boundaries and tell people when they’ve done things I don’t like. Before I’ve been extremely conflict avoidant. Well I’ve only been less avoidant with people I felt comfortable and safe doing so . Unfortunately in doing so I made one of those people feel like I singled them out and they want to take a step back from the friendship.
Recently was one of the first times I specifically privately messaged my friend of 10+ years about something they said in a group call. They got upset with something I had done and told me in the group call in a way that wasn’t very nice. So I messaged them letting them know I would have preferred a different way. Although I ended up leaving out specifics of what they said, which I shouldn’t have.Well they felt singled out because she saw others treating me similarly. Which is why I shouldn’t have left out what she said, because nobody has said things that way. She did apologizing for hurting me, and said she cares but also followed it up saying she needs to take a step back because she feels like lately shes been saying and doing things that have been hurting me and being the only one to be called out.
I’m not entirely sure all the things she is thinking about. I can only think of one other time where I was talking to her and one other person about feeling ghosted when I’ve asked to hang out.
I have to say she wasn’t entirely wrong, I haven’t talked to the others in the group when they’ve done things I didn’t like. I haven’t had the courage, I’m not as close with them. But also now I have even less courage because one of the few I thought I could talk to I found out I couldn’t. And I did reply to her saying that and apologizing she feels singled out. I don’t know if she’ll say anything back to it, I don’t expect it.
Either way it’s kind of hard to believe that she cares because who cares but then doesn’t try to work through things? I’ve never had big conflicts with her and the first time I’ve brought something up 1 on 1 she essentially decides to not be friends for an indefinite time. I’m sure there’s more to it from her perspective but I can’t know, since my friends have also been kind of conflict avoidant.
I’m trying to decide myself if I even want the friendship to continue, if the friendship ever grows again. That could just be my hurt feelings talking. Still I don’t know if I want a friendship like this. I probably should go to therapy to deal with this stuff but I’ve only been looking recently so I’m not there yet.
TL;DR – After setting a boundary with a friend they felt I singled them out. Said they were sorry they hurt me but needed to take a step back because they felt like they were constantly saying and doing things that hurt me and being the only one that gets called out. Well now I’m also hurt thinking I had a friend I could talk to about this stuff when I didn’t. First time I’ve actually messaged her privately about something she did and she disappears as a friend for an indefinite time. I’m not even sure I’d want it to continue if it ever did.
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1 comment
She might just not be emotionally mature enough to take your boundary setting as anything but a personal attack, which doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about you necessarily.
It could also be that what you said or the way you said it was hurtful or made her feel defensive. I think if you posted your wording here that would be helpful if you felt comfortable doing it, as it’s hard to give advice on your situation without knowing what you were upset about, what you said to her about it and what she said to you.
I will say in general, bringing up these kind of emotional topics 90% of the time isn’t a good idea over text. In person (or on a phone call if in person isn’t possible) has a lot more space for nuance, body language and other emotional forms of communication. If they misunderstand you, or your words came out harsher than you meant, you can work through it together in the moment. Whereas in text there’s a lot of room for them to misunderstand you, without a chance for you to correct them or talk about it.