How do I forgive myself(26M) for how things ended with my ex (22F)?

Hello Reddit. I’m having a really rough evening and could use a bit of advice/support. I appreciate you taking the time to read through this post.

2 months ago, I got out of a 2-year long-distance relationship. I won’t go into all the details of the relationship, but it’s probably for the best that we ended up splitting. I was in a place where I was ready to move forward with a serious relationship and wanted her to open up about us more, and she refused to tell anyone in her life about me and chose to dump me when it was her turn to fight for us. Until that point, her reasoning for keeping me a secret was being brought up in a religious household. However, this became suspicious after she moved out.

While I see things more clearly now, I was not okay after the breakup initially. For context, I had flown out to where she lives to spend some time with her over the holidays, and she cut things off right before I flew to her city. There were no warnings. She was talking about how she was excited to move things forward finally. I was relieved that the family barrier was finally going to be crossed. I was completely blind-sighted by the decision.

A week after the breakup, I texted her trying to fix things and just trying to understand what happened. Unfortunately, she only got back to me later that night after I had gone out for drinks with some friends. I tried my best to rekindle the flame, but it didn’t work. She had decided that it wasn’t worth risking her family relationship(they more or less dictate her life decisions), and felt guilty about wasting my time. This hurt a lot and was just confusing considering how she had always said I was the love of her life. I didn’t get it.

I was not doing well emotionally during the conversation. I was planning to marry this person eventually, and it seemed that she felt the same way until the unexpected breakup. I couldn’t wrap my mind around her decision. I started asking whether she had met someone else. I didn’t mean to imply cheating or anything of the sort, but she got really defensive and seemed hurt by the “accusation”. I apologized.

Later in the conversation, after she had said that she felt guilty about what she did to us, I told her that if she changed her mind, she should “ignore the damn voice in her head and come find me”. I followed up by clarifying that she should take her guilt with a grain of salt and should take better care of her mental health. It was in no way intended as an attack on her mental health, but I worry that she may have misinterpreted it.

We wished each other well, and that was it. I feel really ashamed about the last conversation. I begged, pleaded, and said some dumb things in a buzzed desperation. While I guess I shouldn’t care since the relationship is effectively over, I’m ashamed of how things ended. I’ve made a lot of progress in moving on, but the things I said in the end haunt me sometimes. I never intended to hurt her. I can’t reach out to apologize because I promised she wouldn’t hear from me again and it would just set back my healing.

I guess I just needed to get this off my chest.