Could use some advice on some difficult feelings surrounding my now girlfriends troublesome past. So here´s the story!
I´ve been seeing this girl (f24) for the last 3 months and things have been going really well. We connect on a deeper level and are both after the same things in life. We respect, care and appreciate each other. Things are working really great! We live far apart from each other, and generally meet in the weekend as much as we can. We´ve already agreed on being together as boyfriend and girlfriend! Yeey!
Now, my girlfriend is a shy girl with no interest in drama, make-up or superficial stuff. She seemingly has no experience in relationships, while me on the other hand, have a great deal more experience. Growing up, she had one free-time sport-activity outside school that she spent all her time with. She made a lot of good friends there in the community surrounding this activity, much of it formed her to a more secure person today.
She started doing this sport, hanging with friends and going on trips with them when she was 15. In this community, there is an older man (30 at the time) who became like her guardian and a good friend to her. He´s a person who make stuff happen, and actually lay the foundation for this community to grow. My girlfriend (16 at the time) and her friends joined in, participated in competitions and cheered for each other, while the older guy ran the whole thing.
Now here´s the fucked up part. **My girlfriend had a sexual relationship with this man at the time. She was 16 and he was 30, AND he had a girlfriend.** It took my girlfriend 3 months into our relationship to come clean about it, she had really bad feelings about it towards me (she told me). I assured her it was safe for her to tell me, and im really glad she did.
Now, I would´nt have cared much for it, she was 16 and this guy used her for sex, played with her feelings and acted selfish. Seemingly in the community he was a nice person and they were good friends, but no one knew what was going on with him and her on the side. **The problem is… they are still working together and are friends.** He´s a person she could talk to growing up, especially when she had trouble with other boys.
Their sexual relationship supposedly ended when she turned 17 or 18, but now and then they met and hooked up, as far as until last summer. Since she was 16, she **sent naked pictures of herself** to him because she wanted to feel good. The guy´s girlfriend does not have a clue about his affair with a 16-yearold, and they have a child of 3 years at the moment. My girlfriend tells me their relationship is totally professional now. They rarely speak to each other and never meet up, except through their work with the sport-community. At the time of their relationship, and the hook-ups later on that lasted years, she confessed to having a need to feel important to someone, but always realized he did not want her afterwards. Thats why she hooked up with him time and time again, because she did not feel loved or wanted. It breaks my heart to hear because she´s the most wonderful person in the world to me.
I struggle to think clearly on the matter, I told her I do not want her contacting him ever again, and she agrees to it. Also their working-relationship is about to end soon, which I think is for the best. They have a lot of shared friends in the community, and sometime they meet up through them, and I dont want to be in the way of her hobbies which bring her a lot of joy. But i struggle with the thought of them meeting up and with them working together.
She tells me I have nothing to worry about, and I really believe her. But my moral side says to go after him, tell his girlfriend, or make him sorry (not by force ofc). This man is still working with kids and young folks through the community, but by exposing him it will ruin a lot of the stuff they have built, and for my girlfriend and her friend group. My girlfriend is protective of him, and calms me with saying he will not be a part of our lives soon enough.
Well, I think it was so wrong of her to go through with this relationship in the first place, but not when she was 16-18 years old and totally in love with him. Back then she was vulnerable, and he used his position as a guardian and coach to get her to bed.
I´m afraid I will meet him somewhere, knowing he hurt her really bad. Knowing the stuff he has been for her and done to her sexually. Sometimes i get confused when my girlfriend tells med he is a good friend to talk to about everything, but she´s cried a lot over him and their relationship. He is a good colleague, they work really well together, but he is selfish and a bad person. Also she never considered telling his girlfriend later on, which I find quite morally disturbing. She do not want to ruin a family.
Could use some tips on how to approach this, do anyone experienced the same? Is this something I have to live with if I want to be with her? Should I move slowly in our relationship from now on?
TL;DR! – My girlfriend was “the other girl” to her sports coach, lifelong friend and colleague when she was 16-18 years old and he was 30-32. He always had a girlfriend, and now also a kid with her. My girlfriend is protective of him because of their friendship, and never considered exposing him. I feel unsure moving forward, and afraid of meeting the guy through their common friends and sporting-community.
21 comments
I think you need to talk with your gf specifically. She may not realize that she was actually groomed and taken advantage of by this person. And that it’s likely happening to other girls as well
Take you GF out of the equation. You have knowledge of someone who uses the position to coerce minors into sex. You have a moral obligation to report him.
I’m curious why you’re making this about your discomfort and not about the fact that she was groomed and manipulated by this man, who is probably still doing it to other teenagers.
This is your girlfriend’s trauma, not yours. If she doesn’t want to relive her trauma and doesn’t want it to be made public, and herself a public figure open to ridicule, that’s her choice and it’s valid.
By making this about you and your anger and what you might do, you are taking agency away from your girlfriend.
Think hard about the harm that will come to your gf if you take action against this guy. You told her it was safe to confide in you – now prove it.
Your girlfriend is naive, has horribly low self esteem, and is a victim. She doesn’t want to “ruin a family” but fails to realize that he’s a predator and did that all on his own, it wouldn’t be her fault if his wife left him. She is not the only girl he’s done this with and she won’t be the last. I can guarantee he works with young girls just so he can prey on them. His girlfriend deserves to know what happened and he deserves to be exposed. All the “good” he’s built for the community is quite literally in vain. This is really fucked up and it’s a story as old as time. “Seemingly virtuous man who has a positive impact on his community is secretly a pervert who has multiple victims” is something we have all heard before. From priests to youth leaders to teachers to coaches, it’s all too common. I know you don’t want to ruin things with your girlfriend but I think this is much much bigger than just your relationship and you need to do the right thing and expose him for the predator that he is.
Your gf likely has romanticized the idea of what it was in her head, I’ve been in her place and I didn’t realise how messed up it was until I told someone and they spoke to me frankly and made me realise the man was a predator and I’d been groomed. At the very least you both owe it to other children he’s in charge of to report what he’s done, there will be data records of photos etc even if he’s deleted them.
I would highly recommend your gf go to therapy for victims of grooming/CSA as well.
ETA: this should only be reported with your gfs consent and after a LONG chat about the implications at least, if not after a fair bit of therapy for her. She sounds like she’s still in the confusion stage of this and could do with some help outside of her life to unpack and work through all of this. Please keep in mind that SHE is the victim.
I feel like you’re saying the quiet part loud and the loud part quiet: Yes it is understandable for you to have these insecurities but you’re focussing solely on them and completely overlooking the fact that your girlfriend was groomed by a guy who is likely still grooming other underage girls.
The guy was and is a predator. No, I would serious issues with them still being in touch.
What she should do is report him to the authorities with any and all evidence. Guaranteed she wasn’t the only one and he is likely got someone else he has been manipulating.
I would report him to the police because he is almost garanteed to be having sex with other young girls he is “mentoring”. I know you don’t want to betray your girlfriend but seriously what the fuck. This man is a rapist.
Oof, jesus. I think you should follow the other advice written here but also allow yourself to feel your feelings about it, which I think are all totally valid. I’d feel disgusted (by this man), confused, upset, everything you’re feeling, and that doesn’t negate your gf’s trauma. Maybe talk to a therapist about it. This is rough stuff!
Wake up honey, a much older man is judging his gf for the her past of being taken advantage of by a much older man.
If you aren’t ending it now, when you find out that she lied and is still in contact with him, end it then.
This man is a predator, her feelings towards him are literally the result of his grooming. You need to think about the other people this man poses a threat to. If someone knew there was a predator like that working with my child and did absolutely nothing to prevent it I would be livid. **You are only enabling him by keeping quiet**. Your girlfriend needs a good therapist to unpack all this with. I know it seems like a hard decision because your worried about your relationship, but are you really willing to put that above the statutory rape of someone else’s daughter?
While this is awful, it absolutely is NOT your story to tell. Your gf is a victim and you would be re-victimizing her by bringing this to light yourself. Support her no matter what she decides and be the safe person you promised to be.
Fuck the community. That chomo needs to be exposed and dealt with.
That’s not a sexual relationship. That’s grooming and sexual abuse. She needs therapy to understand what happened to her.
I think you should anonymously report him to whatever board or group he is involved with, chances are she was not the only person that he had a sexual relationship with out of those young girls
I do highly suggest you do it anonymously, because if you name your girlfriend she will know it was you and it could affect her personal life as well
Do I think someone should tell his gf he cheated? Yes. Should it be you? Well, if it will potentially ruin ur relationship.. ur call if u want to take that risk. Just know that that gf may not even believe it, that’s common.
So when your girlfriend was a child, she was groomed and repeatedly sexually assaulted by a fully grown adult man just about old enough to be her father who also had incredible authority over her and the ability to ruin her life if she refused his advances. This is a fact.
But you’re concerned about HIS life being ruined if it gets out that he’s a predator?? I hope you realize how insane this is.
Your girlfriend is deeply confused and needs therapy. She was taken advantage of and abused for years by this awful man. She has clearly told herself a story about how it was consensual and they were in love to make herself feel better about the whole thing.
If you love her, send her to therapy and convince her to press charges. He is absolutely doing it to other children and she was absolutely not his first victim.
Oh and yes, his “real” girlfriend would want to know so that she can leave him and protect her child from him. You’re not doing anyone any favours by letting him get away with this, you’re just letting a child predator continue to add victims to his list.
I’m sorry but aren’t you the same age as this man? You’re both creeps imo. And you sound very insecure for an almost 40 year old.
First and foremost, your girlfriend needs therapy. She needs to understand what happened to her was grooming and that she is not a bad person. She needs to free herself from the control this man has over her to this day. Therapy will help her decide what action is needed to move on and live a more stable, confident life.
Second, I would recommend you break up. It’s not difficult to deduce that she is choosing to be with a man around her abuser’s age because she is still fixated on the traumatic experience. Also, your insecurity around her abuse will not assist her in recovery. If you care for her, this is the right thing to do.