I was going on 2 dates with a girl I met on tinder, things were fine, not super though as I found her a bit reserved. We had 2 Mondays so far, 1 was teahouse and 2 was exhibition and dinner. I walked her home both times, had great chats. I asked when she is free next week so we can plan something again… and she kind of ignores me. 2 days after I send her some info of my week plans, letting her know I have some free time, but I am a busy man otherwise, have lots of thing planned because she is not answering. Then she sends a breakup text like:
1. You work out a lot I am not — I workout in a gym 4x a week and 2x I have yoga. Nobody asked her to join me at the gym, she does pilates and I would have been happy to switch to pilates just for her, or maybe she could have joined me for yoga. I thought this is a common interest. But I am not looking for a gym buddy.
2. You work on weekends and nights, I am not and will not, our worktimes differ too much — I do work a lot I agree, but because I am not meeting her and I love my job I thought I can work a bit more, who asked her to work on weekends, and why does she not tolerate if I do this while I am not with her? I told her I am a highly flexible person (I do not work a 9-5 job) and I work in a very demanding field. I work because I want to, and with her I would balance this better of course. But until we are not serious, why would I cut off work?
3. You go to clubs and parties and I do not — Nobody asked her to join me… I understand that if an adult is busy, and is single they need to cut things down to fit someone else into their life. The first thing would have been to drop the parties for her. I like many kinds of music, she seems to like just a few. But is this a dealbreaker? I do all kinds of things, classical concerts even. This is not a common interest, but is different music taste a deal breaker?
Literally she asked after 2 dates to free up my calendar completely for her to fit in. All while every time we went out, I was there, I never rescheduled and I made me free that day. The second date she literally picked the next Monday on Monday as she was busy most probably on other days? I told her I am flexible and I like my time to be spent with activities and interests, not alone at home doing nothing, and of course if things get more serious, gradually we both need to make effort to accommodate each other in our lives. Now it seems for her this is already a turn-off? I though if someone does not do anything in their free time, that is a turnoff… I suspect of course she is not feeling it, and wants to end and try someone else. And that is fine, I did not feel it either, but I wanted to keep going to see if there is anything. Maybe this is basic incompatibility?
Just putting this out here for comments.
9 comments
You weren’t dumped, it’s been 2 dates.
Usually, people don’t say why–and when they do, a lot of it is made up or partial truths (and you probably don’t get the real reason). Yes, fundamental differences in lifestyle mean that you are going to be incompatible with someone else. This isn’t that shocking and I’m surprised that you think it is. Most people don’t want to ask someone to change their life after 2 dates, and it’s totally reasonable for her to look for someone that’s an easier fit into their lifestyle.
You seem to think her reasons for calling it off are “wrong”, but they’re not. It’s reasonable that she wants to be with someone with a more similar work schedule and who has more similar interests.
If you weren’t that into her, why do you care?
>2 days after I send her some info of my week plans, letting her know I have some free time, but I am a busy man otherwise, have lots of thing planned because she is not answering.
This seems kind of aggressive. If you wanted to hang out with her again, you could have just asked, but it’s weird to tell her how you’re so busy and made a bunch of other plans because she wasn’t answering.
It seems like you told her repeatedly how busy you are. I’m a super busy person too but going on about it can be a bit off-putting for people if we make it seem like we’re not going to be able to make time for dating.
>Literally she asked after 2 dates to free up my calendar completely for her to fit in.
I do not think she did. She’s not asking you to accommodate her, she’s saying your lives are too different and she’s not interested in accommodating you.
All this “nobody asked her to” attitude is incredibly toxic (with a hint of sour grapes). She’s anticipating you having a tough time scheduling fun together, and that you like to do different stuff anyway so someone would be compromising.
Or she’s just not that interested in you and she’s made this the reason because it’s easier to say that than “hey yeah, no sorry I don’t think so”.
You only went on two dates. After two dates, she gave your compatibility a lot of thought. She was even kind enough to share those reasons, which can be a fairly risky endeavor for women on dating apps.
Doesn’t sound like you guys are meant for each other. That’s ok. Hopefully you both have better luck in the future.
To be honest, if you two were hitting it off and she was incredibly into you, then she probably would have let a lot of that slide and the effort would be worth it. Sounds like it was a pain for you two to get together and it just wasn’t hot and heavy enough to be worth the hassle. It happens.
Also this early into a situation, I wouldn’t read too much into it.
Dude, you sent her such a butt hurt text after she didn’t reply to your initial one about the 3rd date. You threw your toys out of the pram with the classic “oh, well if you’re not going to let me know when you’re free then I guess we won’t be doing anything because I’ve got my own plans, don’t you know”. All you had to do was wait for her to get back to you and if she didn’t do that, then simply plan your own stuff without her! No need for the petty texts. You are going to look bad in all women’s eyes when you send texts like that.
Also, if you didn’t make any kind of move on her after two full dates then a lot of women would think you either don’t know what you’re doing or you’re not feeling it. This and your mini tantrum probably had greater roles to play than scheduling incompatibilities in making her seem like this wasn’t a good fit. Also, she did not dump you…you hardly knew each other!
She’s just not that into you.
A lot of people enjoy being at home doing nothing. Personally I like 50/50, being out of my home socializing or working out about half the time, and half the time being in. Your life sounds kind of intense and I could definitely imagine viewing it as an incompatibility for me personally.
But I also agree that if I liked you more, I would have kept going on dates to see what your life was actually like and if we were having fun together or not.
Sounds like she wasn’t attracted enough to you to explore more given the lifestyle incompatibility. But I don’t think you should change — like everyone’s saying, people often give fake or exaggerated reasons for ending things on early dates to avoid hurting people’s feelings.
Focus on bettering yourself like you already are. Sounds like she did you a favor. Not sure she would’ve add value to your life.