Me and my gf have been dating for 2, going on 3 years now. The reason it’s been sexless is because of her past history. She was assaulted, which left her traumatized.
We’ve never had sex. She told me about her past and I promised I’d be respectful and mindful of her trauma.
I, however, crave romantic intimacy.
She has told me that she believes she may overcome her trauma, however she doesn’t take any steps to doing so. Even so, I can’t bring myself to tell her to go therapy because, “I want to have sex.” It feels conceited to put my wants over her trauma.
And for clarification, I love her so much. I’ve never been able to click with someone so well and it feels like we were wired to be the same. I can’t imagine living without her.
My question is, can people change? Is it possible to have reignited sex drive, or am I just in a really long domestic partnership?
TL;DR: gf have been in a sexless relationship for two years due to my gf’s trauma. What should I do?
16 comments
If her low libido is due to trauma, therapy can help, so it can change. Low libido can also be due to a lot of other things and some of those things can be addressed as well. But nothing will change if you don’t talk to her about it. Don’t pressure her, but share how you feel, listen and validate how she feels then discuss the situation looking for solutions you both could be comfortable with, it’s you both working together against the problem, not against each other.
Also maybe try r/sex and r/deadbedrooms to see if others in those subs have additional advice that could help.
Well, you knew what you signed up for, for starters. That said, it isn’t unreasonable to want sex and to open a dialogue regarding what you want in a relationship as long as you aren’t pressuring her in any way. No guilt, no ultimatum. Relationships work both ways. Honoring her needs is part of it, but you are also in this relationship and also have needs.
It is 100% understandable and fair that she doesn’t want to have sex, given her past trauma from her assault. However, it probably does mean she’s not really in the best working order to be in a sexually monogamous relationship, because it’s not fair to her partner, ie. you. The fact that she hasn’t even take any steps to work through her trauma says to me that she’s not interested in changing things from the way they are now. Why would she? Therapy is hard, and She’s already with a good boyfriend who gives her what she needs, and she doesn’t even have to have sex with him, so nothing is going to change.
You’re a better man than I—I wouldn’t have gone 2 MONTHS without sex, let alone 2 YEARS. And honestly, i wouldn’t have even wanted to go 2 WEEKS.
She’s in a sexually monogamous relationship where there is no actual sex. Sex is important in relationships, at least to most people, and especially at your age.
It’s great that you love each other, but love isn’t always enough to sustain a relationship.
2 years is a long time to not have sex in a monogamous relationship because of trauma. It is absolutely fair to want sex, especially since *she has told you* that she also wants to work toward that. I think it would be fair to ask her to get therapy, not just for this reason, but because this can’t be the only thing she’s avoiding.
Does she read or watch any self-help stuff about trauma? Would she take recommendations?
You should leave
You don’t owe her anything if she hasn’t taken steps to deal with her trauma that prevents you two from having a normal, sexual relationship
THERAPY.
As her partner, you wouldn’t be out of line to suggest going to a therapist. Sex is an important part of a relationship, and it’s healthy to want that with your partner. Its also healthy for her to want that too. If nothing has changed within the past two years, things will continue to not change unless she seeks help.
It’s not selfish to break up with someone over a difference in sex drives or beliefs. You have a right to be happy. So the question is really less of,”Can I change her” or,”Can I live like this”. The question is can you be happy in this type of relationship. Plus in a joking way can you imagine waiting 2 years and it being terrible?
You do not have to make it about sex. You can talk about her getting help for her trauma because it is in her best interest long term regardless of the sex.
If she isn’t in therapy, no she isn’t going to heal.
You need to tell her; it’s almost 3 years and she hasn’t done anything to change. She is basically holding you hostage, and this isn’t fair to you.
> She has told me that she believes she may overcome her trauma, however she doesn’t take any steps to doing so. Even so, I can’t bring myself to tell her to go therapy because, “I want to have sex.” It feels conceited to put my wants over her trauma.
You’re not putting your “wants over her trauma”. Instead, she hasn’t taken any meaningful steps to overcome her trauma. That’s a much bigger problem. She won’t be able to heal if she doesn’t go to therapy and address what happened. She’s probably scared to go to therapy, so you can reassure her that you’ll be there to support her.
But what happens if she refuses to go to therapy? That’s when the tough choices happen: you either stay with her hoping that she can cope with this herself, or you have to end the relationship because physical intimacy is important to you.
So I’ve been in your gfs shoes. It took me 2 years to have sex after what happened and that was a one off with someone i knew well. I wanted to have a positive “last time I had sex” to remember and that was that. After that it took another 3 years for me to even consider a relationship. And I have sed to be one of those girls that was always with someone so that was a long time. Even ten years later and with therapy during the entire time sex can become an obligation more than something I want.
That said: I’m not stupid or blind to my partners needs. I don’t think sex is a want for most people but a need. It’s one of the main pulls of life and biologists (I’m a studied biologist) agree on that. I am aware that when I go a longer period of time without wanting sex, I’m putting my partner under “stress”. I talk to him about what’s going on and I talk to my therapist.
Part of a healthy relationship is to see your partner in their need as much as yourself and to find a place where both can be happy. Every healthy relationship is work and compromise towards your loved one. And you do so gladly because you love them. You are so patient and understanding and have been for two years, because you love her.
I can only speak for myself but by now i would be expecting to have a conversation about this as your gf. And I also think it is a necessary conversation to have. For her to heal and not to put this present time relationship under the strain and pain that was caused by someone malicious in the past. If she can not heal by herself (i sure could not) the it is time to look for help. Otherwise she will be stuck in a place of waiting for the pain to fade.
It is hard to look for help. It hurts to talk about it. It hurts to actually face the anger and pain that was caused because there is nothing you can do now except for aknowledging it. It sucks to look for help because that means it was actually that bad. Lastly it is hard to find a person you trust enough and you click well enough with to go this way. It is scary.
Lastly, i really hope for you you will find a place of happiness together because your pure live shines through this post but be warned: therapy after sexual assault /abuse will kick something loose in a person and often times the current relationship will be affected. Often times in a negative way.
I truly hope you find a way for you, I’m so sorry the destructive energy of another person still has power over your lives. 🙁
Not compatible.
Stick to being friends, OP.
You need to rip off the band-aid quickly. The slower you peel this bandage the more it’ll hurt.
I think you shouldn’t frame it as “I want sex so go to therapy” but you can start the conversation of, “I’d like you to start looking for a therapist because it’s clear what happened still weighs on you and is affecting you. It pains me to know that man still has any impact on you and our life. I want to be with you as you work through it, but I also want our relationship to see the other side of this, which means it’s time to start working towards healing. How can I help support you while making sure that we’re actually moving forward?”
She’s had a good run at your expense.
its not going to change bro
the simple answer is usually the right one
unfortunately she might just not be that into you man
(i was in the same situation for five years)
time does not heal sexual wounds, only deepens them. the only way to get over it is to work through it, if she can. my wife has sa trauma and while we do have a sex life, it’s hard