My new girlfriend, like we just made it official a few days ago, wants me to stop being friends with my best friend. During the talking phase I made sure to let her know my best friend is is a woman, and that we’re platonic, and that I really value the friendship. She was “cool” with her, even went on a few double dates with my bestie and her boyfriend. However now that we’re dating she wants me to stop being friends with her, says it’s inappropriate and disrespectful to spend time with a girl that isn’t her.
I’m a little confused on why this is a problem now. Especially since the bestie and I are literally just bros. We met at work, had very similar tastes in music, video games and show/movies. I’ve known her for years, and we’ve always been platonic. We literally just hang out and watch TV shows or movie and smoke weed. Her boyfriend trusts me, and we get along great. Bestie was there for me with my last break up, talked with me and really helped me get in the right head space. I’ve done the same with her. Bestie is a large part of my life and support network.
If she keeps pressuring me to cut Bestie out of my life I feel like I’m going to break up with her. Any advice would be appreciated.
Edit: To elaborate on the bestie we met at work, and still work together, when we were both in our 20s. We have similar tastes in music and nerd things like D&D. Over time we started hanging out outside of work. The usual way people become friends lol.
Edit 2: Friends if we were going to hook up we would have done so already. We have had plenty of opportunities to become sexual and/or romantic and not taken them. We’ve been friends for over 4 years so it’s not like a new infatuation or anything. Hell I’ve know Bestie longer than GF and Bestie HELPED me get GF.
Edit 3: More details, Both Bestie and Myself are very clear about how we’re close but just friends. Her current long term boyfriend knows about me and we’re friends as well. I let GF know about Bestie at the earliest opportunity. We went on double dates and I thought they got along. I’m honestly completely confused about this. I really like GF, and was hoping that the transparency would quell any suspicion. I’ve been upfront from the start about it.
Last Edit: Hey thanks everyone. I appreciate the advice so much. You’re all telling me what I pretty much knew I was really really hoping I was overlooking something. At this point its a forgone conclusion well break up. If we don’t I’ll update it with the miracle. Mods can lock this or whatever.
47 comments
She’s insecure perhaps, or two faced
YOu already know what to do with the bait & switcher. Good luck!
Bros (even if they’re female) before hoes 🤷, I don’t make the rules
Ask her directly why it’s a problem and why she didn’t mention it during the dating phase
Unless she has a legitimate reason to say that your relationship with your best friend is inappropriate, she needs to get over herself.
Nothing has changed, and men& women can absolutely be friends.
If she doesn’t have a legitimate and valid reason, it’s time to break up before you invest.
Side note – ask your friend what she thinks of new girlfriend. Don’t mention gf opinion.
As a 71 year old, close friendships have been enduring as well as sustaining while romantic relationships came and went. Do not change your relationship with this friend other than maybe spending more time with gf. It’s way too early on this new relationship to change a deep friendship for this person.
I think there’s gunna be many women in their 30s who won’t like dating a man who has a girl best friend, especially a girl best friend who’s almost ten years younger than him. And you may struggle finding women who will tolerate that.
Nonetheless, she shouldn’t have gotten into a relationship with you when she knew this was a big no no for her and I think she could potentially have been quite calculating about it by waiting this long to say something. I don’t think it’s right to want someone to end a friendship they already had before they met you.
Most women would have a problem with your friendship, a female 10 years younger, let’s be realistic. But, she should have been honest from the beginning and if those were her boundaries, she should have stopped seeing you. So, this relationship won’t last. Sorry OP.
How does a 33 year old now a 25 year old for years? Like you were 25 and she was 17? Did you meet a a dairy queen?
Find yourself someone with more emotional maturity. Declaring someone or something off-limits (obviously aside from actual cheating or illegal activity, etc) is not the way a mature adult should behave in a relationship.
OP UPDATE: I dumped my gf and my BFF dumped her SO in solidarity and came over and comforted me and now we are dating.
Bolt, she’s controlling.
So she was ok with it because she didn’t want to cause waves before you were official. Now that she has you “hooked” she’s changing the rules. She knew she want ok with it from the get go so she’s the AH for not being honest.
How much time are you actually spending with your friend one on one? If it’s every weekend it might be a bit much tbh. Maybe you guys should go out on double dates more so than one on one if you decide to stay woth your gf.
I wouldn’t cut out your BFF for a pretty new relationship. I can also understand that not every women would be comfortable with this. But the thin is that she lied about it. She should’ve been up front. Then you could’ve decided if it was worth becoming official or not
> My new girlfriend
So you don’t have all that much time invested in this relationship? And she’s *already* demanding that you cut female friends out of your life? If you comply, the demands keep coming, and they’ll get worse. You know that, right?
This is not the relationship for you. Time to cut your losses and move on.
Dude grow up. It’s fair
Bros before hoes.
Dump her, you’re not gonna get anywhere with her unless you ditch your best friend and then you will hold resentment and more than likely she will then bar you from other things. Granted you should know that having a female best friend is gonna cause waves with majority of potential partners, the fact that she was made aware and even said it was cool then does a complete 180 the moment you make it official is a HUGE RED FLAG. I wouldn’t bother with it if you want to have peace in your life
“GF won’t let me keep side chick.”
She was never cool with your friendship, which means she was lying to you. What else is she hiding that will only come out of it later? have a wonderful friend with a wonderful partner. I have no romantic interest in him and his partner, who is wonderful, is friendly with me. That is the kind of woman you want. Not one who decides that once things are official, she can change you.
It’s sad that people don’t think you can be friends with another gendered person. She obviously had no intention of being cool with it so she clearly lied to you and decived you. Dtmfa
dump her and cut your losses now. What a control freak. Not worth your time dealing wither her insecurities.
So she says she’s cool with it until the moment you’re official, and then immediately starts issuing marching orders. She thinks she owns you. Time to rescind being official.
Yea, break up with her. My daughters best friend is a guy, they’ve been besties since first grade, graduating university this year. He’s like a brother to her, if your girlfriend can’t understand it, that’s on her.
This is a long established friendship that never crossed boundaries, there is nothing for her to question. She’s just insecure.
Question the GF why she didn’t bring it up sooner . Depends how much you think the friendship or potential relationship are each worth.
Personally I’d break up with GF. You’ve been clear, open and honest. She’s asking you to drop a close friend for her and partners don’t really do that unless the friendship is overbearing or flirtstacious so that to me is a red flag
Tell your girlfriend that this is not part of the bargain so if she feels that strongly about your bestie, then you won’t waste anymore of her time.
Obviously you’re not going to ditch your best friend over this new gf, so just tell her to hit the road. It truly baffles me how people even need to ask this question. If you know deep down there’s nothing between you and your bestie and know nothing would ever happen, then you need to tell your gf to accept this or break up- plain and simple. If she can’t accept that, you’re not compatible.
I have always been upfront with women I date that I don’t want kids and I have female friends. Those two things are non-negotiable for me. If anyone I ever dated sounded like they were trying to persuade me otherwise, I knew there was a good chance they were lying to me but I was always prepared to walk away if they gave me an ultimatum.
Huge red flag. Appeasing a jealous partner by cutting out your friends doesn’t lessen their jealousy. It embolden them and isolates you. Make your boundaries clear now or break up.
She’s insecure and controlling.
It’s a problem now because you made it “official”
Stop wasting your time
Keep your best friend
Sounds like your bestie counts as a bro. Bros before ho’s man
I think she thought you’d change the status quo when you gave her the title GF and she could issue the ultimatum. I don’t think this GF is worth it if she’s like this already.
I (f) have a male best friend that I met at art school when I was 18 and he was 28. Yes, it may have seemed odd at first, especially for his friends, but it has always been completely platonic. Now we are 40 and 50 and we are still dear friends.
It’s important to have variety in your life, and people who aren’t threatened by simple friendships.
I think rhe only thing more unattractive than a 33 year old man with a 25 year old female best friend is him constantly referring to her as “bestie.”
The overall immaturity is going to be a turnoff for most adult women. Hence the 25 year old “bestie.”
If my future GF told me to cut off my best friends (whom are both female) id probaly break up. Thats ridiculous
Is she cool with you hanging in groups?
I have a platonic friendship with a woman who is younger than me. Thankfully my wife and her are friendly, we get along with each other’s partners, because in our case, our friendship came after both of us were married, we couldn’t sacrifice a committed relationship for a fledgling but awesome friendship
Well, this relationship is too new, but here is what I’m going to tell you. There are tons of reddits with men and women who call themselves best friends, then end up sleeping together or destroying their other relationships because they don’t have boundaries. They have them, but then they break them either. They had a couple of drinks too many or oops it just happened. This relationship is way too new for me to be telling you what to do but when you find somebody really love and want to make it serious people grow up and they quit high school and they settle down with their mates. Do you get my point. I don’t know that this is the one and only you can say that but it’s too early.
Ruuuuuuunnnnnnn………
When I met my husband, he embraced my best friend (male). He set himself apart that way. Asked him to be a groomsmen and is currently staying the week at our house helping my husband with our toddler while I recover and take care of our newborn. You can do better ❤️
This is controlling as hell. Honestly, probably not worth staying if this is how she acts a few days after going official.
> However now that we’re dating she wants me to stop being friends with her, says it’s inappropriate and disrespectful to spend time with a girl that isn’t her.
Nope, nope, nope. New gf either trusts you, or she doesn’t. By saying this, she’s telling you that she doesn’t trust you. You can be friends with other women, and she can be friends with other men. She’s projecting her insecurity on you and demanding that you change.
Do not cut your friend off. You can talk to gf about it, but it’s time to seriously rethink this one. She’s 35 and acting this way? Bigger nope.
She is immature and controlling. This would be an immediate deal breaker for me.
Tell her seeyalatter and don’t let the door hit you on the ass on the way out.
Important people in your life you can connect with and are close to are not easy to come by, especially when you get older. Don’t let someone tell you who you can or who you cannot be friends with.
Just chiming in
The removal of your bestie is a test. If you cut her off then your GF will know she can tell you which you can and can’t see, who you can and can’t talk to. Its nonsense that you can’t have female friends.
Time for her to have some tough conversations with herself about control and managing her insecurities, or she can exit your life.
Don’t put up with this.
It not suddenly a problem – it was always a problem. But she hoped that if she lied and played cool for a while, eventually she could leverage your attachment to her to manipulate you against your friend. She sucks. Dump her.
If I read the word “bestie” one more time