Context: We have been dating for three years, this year in November will be four years.
The whole time, he has been undecided. Very on and off. I told him there is no rush and it’s okay if he isn’t sure yet because I don’t want to rush things ever, marriage is a big commitment.
However, he’s decided, by the end of this year or to our anniversary: he will choose to break up with me and move on or stay with me to marry me. He’s given himself this deadline because he doesn’t want to waste anymore of my time in the prime of my years.
It’s been bothering him a lot. I asked him what are some things that I can improve to make me a better partner. I have taken them to heart and took the necessary “beginning” steps since they are complicated like getting a degree. But for three years of our relationship, I have also committed myself to the things he has suggested and I have still been consistent with them. So it’s very hard for me to do much else on my part, but he says it’s not me, it’s him. He says he has mental hold-ups and to him I’m a perfect choice but obviously I won’t be naive; I’m not sure what else to do.
36 comments
You’re three years in, and he doesn’t sound excited about the future you’d have together. I wouldn’t wait around for a guy to decide if he wanted to be with me.
If he has mental hang ups, is he, like, planning to talk to a professional about them? Or does he expect them to go away on their own? What does he think will change in the next 10 months that will help him to make a decision?
Depends on the couple, of course. Sounds like he has a timeline so I would say for you guys, that’s when it would be appropriate. Sorry, I wish I had a better answer. I will say that I think that’s a weird thing for him to say. IMO, it’s okay to not know, that’s why you are dating. For me, 3 years is around the time I start thinking “shit or get off the pot”. But I would never like set a deadline like that. Again, weird.
Grow a backbone. Stop letting this man control you and make you feel like you have to earn his approval. Why does he get to decide if you are good enough? Is he good enough? Stop auditioning to be his wife and start thinking about what you want and deserve in a partner, such as someone who doesn’t make you feel unworthy.
I’d suggest you do the same. This is for you:
“You decide, by the end of this year or the anniversary: YOU will choose to break up with HIM and move on or stay with HIM to marry HIM. Give YOU this deadline because YOU don’t want to waste anymore of ANYONE’S time in the prime of OUR years.”
Don’t sit and wait for your SO to decide whether you are worthy, or compatible, or whatever the fuck all else. Where are your wants and needs?
You have a vote here too, OP. Drop the passive ‘he may not want me what should I do just lay down and hope for the best?’
Why be with someone who can’t decide if they want to marry you or not?! He should be all in, not leaving you in limbo until his self imposed deadline, when he could possibly decide he still doesn’t know.
Exhausting.
But you love him.
If you stay, let’s hope you can live with his indecisiveness. It would drive me crazy.
What is he going to discover in the next few months about you that he doesn’t know already. He is wasting your time. Dump him and stop wasting you precious youth on this man. Its shocking how many many women post on here daily in their 30’s having been with their partner for over a decade and the guy is still not making his mind up.
Happened to me and it took 8 years to leave. It shouldn’t take that long. My new boyfriend’s mom made a point. If in 2 years you don’t know then that should be telling enough
Blow his fucking mind and break up with him. Take that Way Difficult decision off his mind. Shit or get off the pot. 🙄Geez If he can’t decide take Your Life into Your Hands Pleeese!
I think the fact is he just doesn’t want to marry you. Take that how you will
Stop trying to change yourself to be with him. You deserve someone who chooses all of who you are with enthusiasm and certainty
Omg, girl, what? He won’t marry you until you get a degree? What is this? A job interview? That’s nonsense. You don’t start dating someone and then demand they make huge life changes like that.
Girl, if he wanted to marry you, he wouldn’t need some arbitrary timeline to decide if he wants to or not. A guy that wants to marry you is excited at the prospect of spending the rest of his life with you. He’s stringing you along because he doesn’t want to be alone, but also thinks he can find “better”. And even if he does decide to marry you in the end, do you really wanna be with a guy that isn’t actually enthusiastic about spending the rest of his life with you? Maybe I’m romanticizing marriage a little too much, but imo if you aren’t sure about marrying your partner (especially after a few years) you don’t actually want to marry them. Do with that what you will.
Girl… This is so disrespectful. Not only is he not speaking to you as an active participant in this endeavor that is your future together (because he gets to decide whether he wants to marry you), he straight up tells you he’ll dump you “not to waste your time”. Find someone who loves you and sees a future with you right now, not after he’s cleared his head. If the relationship has been on and off it does not bode well for the future. Imagine your husband changing his mind like this or saying similar things when you’re on your second kid or moving countries for work.
The fact that after three he hasn’t ‘decided” is enough to tell you he isn’t the one. Plus, why on earth are you giving him all the control here? You do realise YOU also have the right to “decide” what is good for you too… which frankly doesn’t sound like this guy.
Marriage is such an outdated concept anyway
The person you should marry is the one that knows without a doubt he wants to marry you and isn’t relying on weird self ultimatums. Stop trying to change yourself to convince him. He shouldn’t need to be convinced if he’s the right person.
This is a very unpopular option on Reddit, but it worked for my husband and me. We were several years into our relationship and had lived together for about a year, when it was clear something was wrong on his side. He finally said he sees spending the rest of his life with me, but didn’t want to get married yet, but didn’t want to hurt me or pull me along.
As much as it hurt, I could see the pain in his eyes. I could see how much he loved me, but that he was battling with the next steps. I was so so so sad. And angry. But I also felt a lot of empathy for him.
We decided to take a break. I took out a loan and travelled for a few months. He stayed behind and lived alone. We kept in touch with a planned call every week to check in. It was very friendly and still loving. There is a way to do this and get space without ruining the relationship.
When I returned he was like a new person and we just got on with it. He knew he wasn’t ready for marriage, but realized he didn’t have to feel guilty for having those feelings.
I had no problem with it. He was committed to me and our relationship and that was enough for me for a while. So I decided to do something for myself and went to business school. 18 months later, I graduated, he proposed, and we got married a year later. 5 years after that, we are now expecting our first child in June.
We have a had a very happy 15 years together and taking a short break a few years into it was an important part of our relationship. We’re only human. Sometimes we need some space. Sometimes there’s no solution to talk through. Sometimes a little time and empathy and willingness to be sad and uncomfortable is okay.
I’m not suggesting you and your partner take a break. Only showing that it can absolutely work and be productive under the right circumstances and with the right relationship.
It’s not all “shit or get off the pot” or “if he isn’t sure now then he never will be.” People are more complex than that. I clearly wasn’t in a rush. We started dating in college and are 37 now having our first child, but damn it’s been a fun 15 years with just the 2 of us.
I am feeling sad reading all the comments here. A deadline for a huge decision is reasonable. Laying your expectations is reasonable. Wait and communicare with him.
Maybe if more people dis that instead of advising ill things on reddit we would have less divorce
Please senpai notice me, I’ll make any changes you want to consider me a viable partner!
If he’s this unsure, that’s your answer. I’d end it. It’s also so degrading that you’re trying to prove yourself as just the bestest partner ever, it comes across as daddy issues.
duuuuuuuude, I am embarrassed for you. Never let anyone else decide your future. Time for you to move on. The whole him telling you how to be a better partner? Ugh, pack up your sh*t and self respect and get out. Marriage is a partnership, not you jumping thru circus hoops like a poodle. You are young so get out there and enjoy life without someone else’s arbitrary “steps”.
By 3 years I’d know forsure what I’m going to be doing. If not then I’d end it. You said in another comment that it’s about your looks?
You’re 24? That shouldn’t be an issue and it never should be with someone who truly wants to marry you. That’s my opinion tho.
Not to decide is to decide. Stop wasting each others time.
Hold on, you wanna wait for him to break up with you?? If I were you, I’d be gone and find someone who appreciates me.
He isn’t sure if he wants to marry you translated as he doesn’t want to marry you.
You need therapy. You are revolving your whole self worth around this guy.
You Ned to be a whole person without him. Please seek counseling to help build self esteem.
Its one thing to be undecided on marriage, but to be undecided on the relationship itself? He basically gave you an expiration date on the relationship, who does that?
Nah fuck that. So you’re being held hostage to his countdown? Flick him. A few more months isn’t going to change his mind. Time to piss or get off the pot.
I would sit him down and tell him very seriously that it’s unfair of him to make you wait through a countdown for your own future. If he doesn’t want to marry you then it’s time to move on.
I don’t think this is for real, and I don’t want to either
I don’t think this is for real, and I don’t want to either
It’s so sad that you’re waiting for a man to make a decision about your life and where it’s headed and you’re even changing things about yourself to help him make the decision.
Yuk – some abusers turn their partners into their ‘little projects’ reading the comments it sounds like just that.
This whole “undecided for a year” thing sounds entirely like manipulation to have OP faff about with worry trying to please him ($10 says that he “decides” to put the decision off a few years)
Honestly I would leave the relationship. You shouldn’t have to change for anyone. Either he sees you as someone who he can spend his life with or not. Since he is still thinking about it I’m going to go with not. You should aspire to be with someone who you love that lives you too. Who you BOTH push each other to do better and who loves you and accepts you for who you are. He gave himself a year to think about it which in my opinion makes him an ass for torturing you your also in the wrong for putting yourself through this. All those things he hates about you, the right person is going to love. Don’t change yourself or one day your going to look in the mirror and not recognize yourself. No one is worth that
I’ve been in a very similar situation as you. My advice to you is to break with him and find yourself someone who wants to be with you and marry you. Don’t degrade yourself by sitting around improving yourself to make your chances higher for someone deciding whether or not you are worthy of marrying you.
My problem with this is that you asked him what you can do to make yourself a better partner, like you agree that you’re not good good enough for him, fuck that OP! Ask yourself if he is enough for you!
You deserve to be with someone who whole heartedly and earnestly wants to be with you.
What the holy fuck did I just read?
No. No absolutely not. You should not, ever, tie yourself in knots to be good enough for someone. He has a list of things you could improve on??? Fuck that dude. The person you marry should already think you are perfect DESPITE Your faults FFS.
You’re setting yourself up for an absolute disaster here. Find your backbone and tell him to go fuck himself!
Jeez. I’m sorry I’m angry but where do people keep finding these fucking awful men who seem to take up negging as a hobby until a woman feels she has to work for his approval??? GTF outta here with that shit.