I (22F) have been dating my boyfriend (35M) for almost a year, we’ll call him Harry. A few months before we started dating, I went through a bad breakup with my long-distance ex boyfriend of 2.5 years (34M) we’ll call Tom. I found out on Christmas during a visit that I was being cheated on by Tom, and we had planned on my moving out there and I had hoped for us to get married one day. It was a very toxic relationship with a lot of gaslighting and my needs going completely unmet that I should have ended a lot sooner, but there were always empty promises and lies to explain when I would catch him having been inappropriate with other girls. I met Tom when I was 17 but grew up in a religious and abusive family (I’ve been no contact for 3 years), so he was the first person I had done anything with. First boyfriend, first kiss, first… more than kiss.
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When I found out I was cheated on, I was devastated. I was so in love with him that I still wanted the relationship to continue, but he did not. I put my all into that relationship and I’m not sure if Tom was ever even that into me.
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Two months after that breakup, I met my current boyfriend, Harry, through a friend of mine. I was not looking to date and I wasn’t interested in seeing anyone. I very much wanted to be alone. However, I had a roommate who started becoming aggressive and repeatedly came onto me, so I started couch surfing with people I knew. During this time, I hung out with Harry a few times. While I was couch-surfing, it made my commute an hour each way, and Harry lived near the office, so I would sometimes stay over on the couch if it was too late for me to drive back. We were spending a lot of time together and he treated me well, plus, I thought of it as a short-term thing, as I had been waiting to hear back from PhD programs and knew I would be moving at least 10 hours away.
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Even though I wanted to only date people closer to my age, I started dating Harry. I was still not over my ex and was going through a rough time and used the relationship somewhat as a rebound. Some quirks or traits reminded me of my ex and that was comforting. It felt like I was getting all the things I wanted from my past relationship in this one. On paper, I felt like he met the qualities of what I was looking for in a partner, even if I wasn’t ready. I quickly met his family and had dinner with them every week. I was unable to keep staying where I was couch surfing, so I was thrown into living with him for 2 months.
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I got into a PhD program that was 10 hours away, rather than further, and he discussed long-distance, which I wanted to do for a year. I figured that would give me time and space to sort through my feelings and determine if the relationship was the best thing for me. He did not want to wait a year and moved up two months after I did, giving me only a few weeks by myself before he signed a lease. I have never felt like the relationship is something I am ready for and gives me a lot of anxiety. Prior to him visiting or moving up, I would get physically ill in the days leading up, whether that was a terrible cold or severe nausea.
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Since starting my program, I’ve been surrounded by lots of very intelligent and motivated people around my age, and it leaves me further wondering why I am dating someone so much older than myself. Harry is a kind person but interested in very generic things like football and board games. He works for his mom and isn’t happy or invested in the job. When I talk about him going back to school or figuring out what he wants to do, he talks about how life has beat him down and he doesn’t know. I’ve expressed a lot of concern with his seeming lack of motivation or desire to improve, which he says he is working on figuring out. But I still have major hesitations with someone that much older than me who has absolutely no idea what they want to do.
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I have concerns about him intellectually and in general, as well. I don’t feel mentally challenged and I feel like any effort to encourage him to do anything falls on deaf ears and brings on excuses (I might be less sympathetic because he has had 2 supportive and financially stable parents and I have had to struggle for everything). I feel very anxious when I think about bringing him to any events with my colleagues, like they are going to think he is an idiot or wonder why I am dating him. I haven’t stopped thinking about other people as potential partners, and I feel no butterflies.
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He is gentle and kind to me and clearly loves me. He’s cute, but I don’t feel any passionate drive to be intimate. I certainly care about him and he’s a good, kind person. He’s so supportive and maybe I just need to give him time to see if the feelings resolve. He deals with my traumas and quirks, but I feel like we don’t understand each other. I don’t want to sound rude, like I think I am too good for him, but I feel like I am interested in and pursuing more than he is, and struggle with feeling like we are evenly matched. I absolutely don’t feel like I can end things after he has uprooted his life to move with me.
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I don’t know if I’m expecting to feel something different than I should or am ignoring a good thing. I keep waiting to feel differently and wondering if it’s just leftover trauma from my last relationship. I feel like it would be very easy to look down on me as too much or not treat me well, like my ex did, so I feel like I’m being spoiled. I don’t want to hurt him, but I don’t want to waste his time. I tend to think of it as temporary, but maybe that’s left over from my ex ending things suddenly. I don’t know how to navigate any of these thoughts or feelings and have never had to break up with anyone before, so I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing. I don’t even feel like I have a good reason. Honest opinions??
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\*\*TL;DR; : My boyfriend is really nice, but I don’t know if we are a match. How do you know whether to stay or leave a relationship? How do I distinguish me being avoidant from the relationship being wrong?\*\*
10 comments
It sounds like you rushed into a relationship with someone you’re not really into. I’m not sure why you decided to be more than friends with him. You seem to have some good qualities for a friendship, but just lacking for anything beyond that. A big telling issue is he isn’t who you want to be with. You’re wondering if he will change enough and fast enough to become someone you would really be happy being with. That’s not how a good relationship works.
Classic tale of grooming.
Taking your past and bringing it into your present is a recipe for no future.
What it sounds to me is that you’re looking for a person of high social status to show around like a trophy. The problem is that you are massively and unapologetically overselling what you are and have to offer. Frankly, you got tough. Childhood made you tough, and your desire to “get away” from it is so strong that the efforts that helped you get to where you are went completely unnoticed.
Now where I’d grant you compassion is that at 34 with no passion, I don’t think this guy is capable of being the one to get you so far away from the place you started. He’s more or less destined to living paycheck to paycheck much like most of the us. And once you get that PHD, you’re going to likely be dealing with a lot of debt and dealing with a much better future earning potential. Financially your debt will mean that you aren’t doing better than him for the first 10 or so years. Afterwards, you will be.
I don’t by any means think this guy sounds like someone you couldn’t come to genuinely love to death. You acknowledge just how his kindness and gentleness are good partner qualities. The question is whether you can get over that feeling that you’re better than him. Because if you keep feeling that way then you’re going to break it off. So, is your love about a lifestyle that is far removed from your upbringing or is it about a companion who you can count on to be gentle and kind? That’s where you must make choices and accept tradeoffs.
Men in their mid 30’s do not date women in their very early 20’s because they think you’ll make a super great, equal life partner.
You are not a match, and you will not be a match with these much older men.
Please, please, please, focus on your PhD work. Relationships will sort themselves out, but depending on your PhD area and the program, the work may take all you have to give.
I’ll break camp and say I don’t think there is anything particularly “wrong” with dating a mid-thirties guy at your age, but you need to understand that you are in entirely different places in your lives and ultimately won’t be able to give one another what you need. The other possibility is that Harry is immature for his age, and nothing is worst than an older guy who won’t grow up.
Not enjoying a relationship or not feeling passionate is a good reason to end it. Relationships should be partnerships that add to our lives, not things that feel like a chore. You don’t want to date someone, you get to stop dating them. You kindly tell them it isn’t working and it will hurt for them (and maybe for you). And that’s okay. That’s just how it works.
You’re just figuring out who you are and what you like. You’re clearly also learning how to stand up for what you want and how to be an active agent in your life, and are still healing from your past. It doesn’t seem like you know how to say no to someone who wants to date you, and your current boyfriend clearly took advantage of your situation to push for a more serious relationship than you were ready for. Having past trauma or quirks doesn’t mean you have to settle for a boring relationship that doesn’t excite you. Don’t settle when you so clearly don’t want to.
I mean, there are a lot of red flags here. You wanted to do long-distance and have some space, he ignored that. You wanted to date people your own age, yet somehow let yourself be pushed into this relationship. You aren’t passionate about him, you worry about his motivation, you worry he’s too old–why be with this man? You deserve to be treated well and he doesn’t get points for not being as bad as your ex. That’s a basic requirement for a relationship, but it isn’t a good reason for staying in one. It’s nice you don’t want to hurt him, but that can’t come at the expense of your own life goals or wants. Your unhappiness is a good reason to break up with him.
You say he uprooted his life to be with you, but you didn’t ask him to do that. You specifically didn’t want him to do that so soon, but he ignored you, probably as a way to pressure you into continuing the relationship. It’s not your job to date him just because he moved. Relationships end, and people figure it out. He will figure it out. He did fine before he met you, and he’ll manage after too.
Stop trying to make yourself small so you can fit this man into your life. You deserve someone who makes you feel excited, who makes you feel passion and who pushes you to grow and wants to grow along with you, who you feel proud to introduce to people. This is not that man. Be single, figure yourself out, do some therapy to work on past traumas and the patterns you seem to be following in your life right now. Learn how to say no to things you aren’t excited by. You aren’t happy with him now–why do you think you would be in the future? You say you don’t have a good reason, but you do: this relationship is too much, too fast, and doesn’t make you happy.
It doesn’t sound like you’re wanting to be with him. So e d it. Don’t lead him on, and let him figure his life out. You should take your time too. You’re very young. Do some therapy, work on your self esteem and self love, work on your friendships and gain confidence. When the time is right, you’ll know.
Healthy 30+ year old grown adults don’t go after young people barely out of their teen years. You were groomed by predators.
Long ass post to justify why a fully grown dude in his 30s is dating a girl in her 20s without a fully developed brain lol
Within 5 seconds of reading he’s already abusing her and trying to manipulate her mentally it’s like these posts and write themselves!!
Take care of yourself OP; you likely won’t listen to me but seriously run… you’re not in a good situation and probably won’t truly reflect on it until late 20s. Good luck…
Of course he’s not intellectually challenging you men that are mature and intellectual don’t date women that are 22 in their mid-30s they date women at their own age. Be honest with yourself because this post tells me you already know that this relationship isn’t going to work out, stay single for a while, work on your trauma preferably with a professional if you can afford it, and when you get back into dating when you’re ready date somebody that’s closer to your own age.