My (24F) partner (24M) is attracted to our mutual friend (24F)

**TL;DR:** My boyfriend realised that he’s irrationally attracted to our mutual (but originally his) new but quite good friend. He told her when I invited her to stay over at our place but kept it a secret from me for a while because he thought I was overwhelmed with university and didn’t want to stress me more. He wanted to first consult it with his therapist but after all ended up telling me. I was upset not because he was attracted to her but because he’s known me for 7 years and he’s known her for only about 2 months but he decided to tell her first and they both concealed it from me and the three of us kept on hanging out as normal for a week after that – none of it initiated by me really. When he told me and I decided to cut all contact with the girl as I’ve always had strong trust issues and this girl got really close to me in a short time. My boyfriend is really picky with friends and people in general and she’s one of his only real friends, she’s going through a breakup and she is suicidal when she loses people. Considering all that and the fact that I don’t want to be ‘that b\*\*\*\*’, I let them know that they can remain friends if they want – although it makes me feel really uncomfortable. What is your opinion about my decision as a third party?

My boyfriend has a coworker that he recently became really good friends with. He kept on telling me that he really wanted me to meet her because he thought we have a similar way of thinking and would get along – also because I don’t necessarily have many friends (by choice). I quickly became friends with the girl and at some point, we had a really deep 7-hour-long conversation. We talked a lot about mental health and relationships and I told her about my trust issues and how I thought they’ve been improving.

One day we hung out and then I invited her to our flat where we just goofed around and watched movies. Later on, my boyfriend returned from work and he joined us. It was quite late so we all just assumed that she would stay at our place. We slept in the same room. I fell asleep quickly because I had a hard day but she and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep so they spent most of the night talking in the living room. I was unaware of it at the time, but supposedly this happened: my boyfriend told the girl that he felt irrationally attracted to her “not physically, just her vibe and presence” in order for them to establish boundaries. He didn’t like that he felt that way and he would “rather die than cheat” on me and wanted to discuss the situation with a therapist before telling me because he thought I wouldn’t take it well since I had been struggling with university stuff. The girl recommended a therapist she knew and they talked about the issue through messages or when I wasn’t around.

It had been like that for a week. The three of us hung out together twice after that happened and she stayed over another day – none of this was my decision, but I agreed with it. At those times they were acting quite normal and I wouldn’t have guessed that they were hiding something from me.

After a week, the day before my boyfriend’s session, he told me that he was having a therapy session and asked me at which times I wouldn’t be at home to have privacy. I told him but I was kinda panicking the whole day because in the past he didn’t go to therapy in worse situations so I was expecting the worst things. That was probably obvious when at some point we talked on the phone at and so he decided to tell me. I think I was okay with the fact that he felt attracted to someone, I suppose that happens to almost everyone, but I was very upset that he didn’t tell me (as someone that he’s known for over 7 years as opposed to someone that just recently became a close friend) first. He said that he just wanted to find the best way to tell me but my reaction was quite negative as all of a sudden I started to feel like all of my trust issues came back just like that and I didn’t want to go through that again.

I decided to cut all contact with the girl because my trusting her again after such a short time was out of the question and it seemed like a waste of time. As I didn’t want to talk to her directly, I asked my boyfriend to send her a message for me. It was a very friendly end-of-friendship message, something along these lines: It was nice to meet you, I think you’re a nice person but I don’t see any value in maintaining our relationship. I don’t mind if you guys want to stay friends.

I said I didn’t mind them being friends for the following reasons:

1. My boyfriend is really picky with friends and people in general and she’s one of his only real friends.
2. She’s going through a breakup.
3. She is suicidal when she loses close people.
4. I don’t want to be ‘that b\*\*\*\*’ and feel guilty.

They are still friends now, they sometimes hang out but mostly they call each other and talk over text messages.

However, I’ve been feeling very anxious ever since and I haven’t been really able to eat, not necessarily because of the situation but because of my trust issues and the fact that they are so intense now that I keep overthinking everything that happened

Because of that, I remembered some instances that make it seem like she was using my friendship with her to get close to him. One thing that stands out to me is that she asked me for a top to sleep in but when I gave her one, she decided not to use it and slept in a tank top with a deep neckline (although she accepted a similar top the day she slept at our first house for the first time and before she knew that my boyfriend was attracted to her). I think that I’m probably just starting to be paranoid and therefore I would value your opinion about this. Also if you can, please don’t be too harsh on me as I’m going through a tough time right now and I feel more sensitive than usual.