why cant i make friends? i am as sociable as i can be, but i has severe social anxiety the last couple years. this year has been a million times better, i can talk like a real, functional person. so why did i have more friends when i had crippling anxiety? i do tend to overshare or throw up knowlege.
once someone said to me “why do you know everything about everything? you always have some smart answer for things full of big words i cant understand. sometimes it makes me wanna punch you in the face. but i love you for it.”
i’m not sure if my social skills are just that bad, but it felt like she was being genuine and not saying she disliked me for it. i didn’t see any sarcasm or conflicting tone. she was my best friend for a couple years, but recently it ended. i’ve brought up my oversharing with my therapist and it didn’t help.
i try to converse with as many people as possible, and (about half of my classes i have someone ive tried talking to in) but most of the time we can only awkwardly talk about a class together. it’s especially hard for me to talk to guys, they make me nervous even though i am bisexual. i’ve noticed a trend of people not sitting next to me. like, i’ll have two open spots on either side of me. i tell myself that it’s just because everyone wants to sit next to their friends, but idk anymore.
i’ve done all the googling. yes, i talk to friend of friends and mutual friends, but i cant make *friends* friends. i want people that i can call up and hang out with independently. there aren’t really groups or clubs in my city, as the scenes are drugs, alcohol, or parties (city full of extremely wealthy people and skids) of which you need friends for anyway.
as of right now, i think i have one friend. i consider her my best friend, but i think she’s a little sick of me. she never answers, and she never starts conversations. she’s got quite a few friends, and she knows absolutely everyone.
she told me last week “you need to make more friends. you can’t have only me”
i’m moderately pretty. i dress moderately normal, but i keep to my own personal style. i am smart. i am sociable. id like to think i pick up on social cues. i don’t stink. everyone says ‘she’s so nice and pretty’ but that’s all. no one wants to know me. no one wants more than a wave as i’m passing by. not to even get started on romantic interest. the 4th grade was the last time someone liked me. i’m just so sick of being lonely.
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> so why did i have more friends when i had crippling anxiety? i do tend to overshare or throw up knowlege.
Because humans are ironic. We tend to like people who are self-reliant and stable. Oversharing is a sign of instability, fragility, and neediness. It also destroys the mystery of you. When you’re quiet and keep your thoughts to yourself, you become a vessel for people to project onto. They fantasize that you’re better and more interesting than you actually are. You shatter those illusions when you speak. You become normal, and boring. Oversharing also brings you into ‘annoying, draining, tiring’ territory. You start to look like you’re needy. People pull away, because now you’re not satisfying *their* needs… which usually revolve around being close to or wanted by someone who embodies traits like strength, independence, intelligence, and etc.
> she told me last week “you need to make more friends. you can’t have only me”
Ironically, this doesn’t help you. It can feed insecurities and make you overshare *more*, because as a person opens up (from shyness and anxiety), their natural inclination is to ‘try harder’…. by speaking more. If you sense something’s wrong in a relationship, most people will naturally try to *talk more*, rather than pull away.
Sorry OP. Making friends is hard.
Making friends can be very daunting and that’s how humanity works. I grew up with many people who I thought were my friends until a couple months later when they would have their birthday party and not invite me. I was distraught and felt betrayed. It sucked because I have Autism. However I’m very high functioning so I can behave and think like a neurotypical but there is always something off about how I behave and act.
The best places to make friends are at clubs and at the gym. When I was a kid, gyms were dreadful places since that was where all the bullies hanged out. Nowadays most gymgoers are very friendly and want people to succeed. I became friends with almost everyone at my local gym when I went there everyday for 3 months and lost almost 20kg.
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>as of right now, i think i have one friend. i consider her my best friend, but i think she’s a little sick of me. she never answers, and she never starts conversations. she’s got quite a few friends, and she knows absolutely everyone.
she told me last week “you need to make more friends. you can’t have only me”
I hate to break it to you, but your “friend does not sound like a good friend at all. She clearly doesn’t want to be with you, but she doesn’t want to sound like a jerk or bully. Your “friend” is purposefully choosing other people to socialize with instead of you. It’s best to move on and leave her in the dust.
Hey don’t feel down about making friends being too hard, it can happen to all of us. In my opinion, making friends comes down to the lifetime feel-good value you can make someone have about you. Sort of like scratching an itch for a topic someone cares about.
So if you see someone playing Pokemon, you can infer they like Pokemon and would love to talk about that. To connect is to make someone feel good with your words while having fun yourself. Sometimes, it’s as simple as giving a compliment 🙂
I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling with making friends. Social anxiety and feeling like you “over-share” can certainly make it harder to form connections with others.
Here are a few tips that might help:
Try to focus on being present in the moment when you’re with others. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to make a lasting connection every time you meet someone new.
Make an effort to actively listen when others are speaking. Ask questions and show genuine interest in what they have to say.
Join clubs or organizations that align with your interests. This can be a great way to meet like-minded people and form new friendships.
Volunteer for events or causes you care about. This can be a great way to meet new people and make a positive impact in your community.
Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there. Invite people to do things with you or join you for a meal. The more you practice reaching out, the easier it will become.
Consider seeking professional help. A therapist can work with you to develop strategies to manage your social anxiety and help you build more meaningful relationships.
Remember, forming new friendships takes time and effort, but it’s worth it to have people in your life who support and care for you. Don’t give up, and keep putting yourself out there.