\[Repost since nobody responded this first time\]
This is related to playing PC games with my friend. We both like to play these games, but he can play many hours straight. I can too, but I often feel kind of guilty playing games for long periods of time…I figure I could be doing something more productive.
I like maybe 2 hours whereas on weekends I see him on like the entire day.
The point is, when I feel like it’s time to get off, I hesitate to say anything. I’ll be like “are you good to save?” instead of “Alright, I’m going to hop off.”
I would at least give him a chance to finish anything he’s doing.
In retrospect, he has basically never asked me if I’m good to save. He’ll always be like “Alright, I’m going to save.”
I need to be like that. I mean I’m fine giving him another 10 minutes to finish something.
I should also just say “No” sometimes when he asks me to play. He wants to play today, and I’m fine with that, but I am pretty tired and would like to go to bed before midnight.
He, on the other hand, has off tomorrow and would probably go to like 2.
I also freelance, so I make my own schedule. So, it feels like he doesn’t have respect for me if I set a time limit, like my work isn’t as “real” as his work, although I’m sure that’s not what he means at all.
Basically, I want to be able to dictate how I use my own time. I can of course do that, but I feel bad saying “No” or being firm that I need to get off the game now.
Like, I’ll sometimes avoid playing with him because I figure I won’t be able to get off, due to my lack of assertiveness.
I guess this is really simple actually. I just need to do what I want and not care about somehow “offending” him
4 comments
I give folks advance notice when possible. If I know I have an hour or 2 in me, I say so up front so there is no surprise. If an urgent but non critical thing comes up, d000d I have to go after this mission or save point because life just happened. If the house is on fire, disconnect and explain later.
Just give a heads up.
There’s no easier way around it. Either heads up like “Ima get off after this” or just say “aight I gotta go” if he bitches that’s his problem let him bitch. Control your life and do what you wanna do.
Well let’s break it down. You aren’t lacking assertiveness. You have a low level of assertiveness. You still voice *something* when you want to get offline right? You may phrase it very passively but you’re still voicing it. That’s assertiveness right there, it’s just a low level of assertiveness. So you’ve got it, you have to have some level of it or you’d be unable to navigate life at all.
Try thinking about it like this. The kind of people you actually want around you, *want* you to be assertive over your time. Why? Because it’s less work for them. They don’t have to read into your intentions and try to be accommodating to feelings that to them remain unasserted and as such vague. It’s on you to put in your end of the social interaction too, and you save everyone’s time and energy when you’re assertive.
It saves them time and energy because there are no dots for them to connect as not to make you uncomfortable.
And it saves you time and energy because if you assert your wants and needs clearly to someone and they react badly, then you just found out you and that person likely just aren’t gonna get along.
And that’s totally okay. No one is wrong or right in the situation, both parties have simply led different paths with different formative moments and genetics along the way. Just respectfully disagree and move on.
You’re either okay no matter what or you’re dead but I see you’re still standing so as long as you aren’t talking about stopping you can proceed.
We all know people who are very commanding; they plan the trips and the outings and it’s all to their liking. I have a friend like this – but she isn’t an asshole, she is just very vocal about her preferences. She used to get so frustrated with my go-with-the-flow self being okay with every single plan she came up with, because she worried that I wasn’t enjoying myself and instead just humoring her.
Your friend may be just assuming that you’ll tell them when you’re busy or done playing, and you need to start doing that effective immediately. If they’re very casual about enforcing their boundaries, they’ll likely give you the same respect. If they don’t, then that’s really unfair and you should play with someone else, because you can’t be spending 2/24 hours a day just to keep one person happy unless they are really important to you