My (32F) friend (31F) hurt me & now asking a mutual friend to ask me “What she can do to make things right” but doesn’t even approach me to apologise

My friend & I have been friends since high school. It has been on & off over the years because she is a very “particular” person with set ways of how her experiences in everything in life should be & how she expects others to be around her.

In recent years I thought we were over that for good & she had matured, shown vast self improvement, self awareness & active effort to be better. I appreciated her friendship & enjoyed her company & I was really happy with where we were, we felt really close. She was even a good friend in hard times.

But in the last year cracks were showing with some of the things she was saying & expecting again over superficial & selfish things, & how much we were trying to overlook in the hope it was blips in her growth as she was still overall being a good friend.

Eventually I could no longer ignore when she made “jokes” & personal remarks about me & exercise, alluding to my body, & acting like she has the right to make them. I told her she had been hurtful to me & pointed out the stuff she was saying was directly related to my health issues, depression & grief of a loved one (all things she knows very deeply about) thinking she would stop when she realised she’d messed up. But she didn’t let up, claiming it’s okay for her to say them because I say them about myself.

I explained yes I say a little of that about *myself* like that as a way of laughing off & shutting the subject down in a light hearted way when *she* brings it up. But she just wouldn’t get it, acted very arrogant & defending her right to say them & more or less saying what I say gave her permission to do that. She said the phrase “If you don’t like it then don’t say those things?” & also “You don’t take exercise seriously” like she was offended with me.

I also pointed out I’ve given her facts about myself before & she purposefully ignores or doesn’t believe them & has even laughed in my face about them as if she thinks it’s funny I think it’s true & just make stuff up. Such as how I used to be regular gym goer before my health issues, how I work out at home, how I try to eat healthy etc.
But even in this argument she completely ignored those facts yet again so that she could continue to paint me the way she wanted & have a “right” to say the comments she wanted to & I felt like I was going insane.

I realised there was no point in even arguing or explaining myself to her & cut contact abruptly which I don’t think she was expecting. It’s been 3 months since then & in that time I’ve had two texts from her with long gaps, both times only saying “Hi how are you. How’s things”. I replied back answering I’m fine & asked her the same, expecting she would then take the opportunity to discuss what happened if she wanted to try to mend things but she didn’t say anything again both times.

Recently our mutual friend said friend had been trying to meet her since we fell out but she’s been too busy & now she’s messaged her saying we had a falling out (mutual friend already knows from me from the start though) & she wants her to find out from me “what she would need to do to make things right.” But she doesn’t want her to openly ask me or let me know she asked to find out that, she wants her to find out casually through conversation & let her know what I said.

I feel like this is really cold & calculated. If she wants to know how to make things right shouldn’t her first call of action be to approach me for a real conversation & actually apologise before anything else? I feel like she thinks she’s being really noble by asking what it would take to make things right, but the way she’s doing it just comes across off & taking no responsibility to me, not even doing the most basic thing & expecting mutual friend & I to do the work for her.

And knowing her personality I can completely imagine if I said what I need to hear from her, she would repeat it to me like a script, call it a day & expect it to all go away. If someone was genuinely sorry then what they need to do would come naturally for them towards a friend they valued.

I can’t help but feel like rather than missing me as a person & my friendship, she’s just actually missing having someone to hang out with & do social outings with as she loved going out & I was her primary friend in our area & always up for doing fun things. Whilst mutual friend only really hung out with us as a group, rarely with her one to one & as exemplified with her trying to meet up with her unsuccessfully the last 3 months she may have realised she doesn’t have anyone else to do that with.

I am sad I don’t have my regular “hang out every weekend” friendship group anymore but I’ve been hurt so much by her behaviour that I felt like I was ready to give all that up & don’t need an active social life if it compromises my worth – & due to that feeling I’ve not missed it at all & have concentrated on other aspects of my life instead. And I do have other friends that I meet less often but have a great friendship & social time with, it’s just not the call up any time to go for coffee/dinner/cinemas/brunch with 2 or 3 times a week type.

What should I do in this scenario? Particularly about the way she’s asking what it would take to make things right?

TL:DR – Friend hurt me a lot, but after a few months instead of approaching me to talk about it or even apologise she’s asking mutual friend to sneakily find out “what it would take to make things right”