Just keeping this short: my partner and I are nearly polar opposites. As in he is extremely rude and I am a people pleaser. But there is love between us. Things have been going well, but I do want us to attend couples therapy. I have brought this up several times and to him, it is a perfect relationship so why? To me, it is technically good now but I want to talk about the past to which the underlying problem is still present as of today (but I just stopped whining about it, thus the appearance of a perfect relationship).
Again, we are polar opposites. As in, he curses a lot, I never do. I don’t like cursing. But man oh man I am looking forward to couples counseling. I am ready to UNLEASH some F bombs. I love him and do want to work this out and stay with him in the future. But there is also a part of me who is extremely angry. Felt belittled overtime. Gaslighted. He has been a huge hypocrite lately and things are turning against his favor and he whines to me about it. So now I’m ready to laugh hysterically in the session and say YES!!! YES!!! YOU GOT A TASTE OF YOUR OWN MEDICINE! HOW DOES THAT FEEL??? PRETTY CRUDDY HUH? THATS HOW I FEEL FOR THE PAST 3 YEARS. FUCK YOU AND I HOPE YOU CONTINUE TO SUFFER UNTIL YOU LEARN TO TREAT OTHERS BETTER, AND IM NOT JUST TALKING ABOUT ME. I WISH ONE DAY YOU SUFFER SO MUCH THAT YOU BECOME ENLIGHTENED AND START HELPING PEOPLE OUT AROUND YOU.
I have a feeling this will come out badly and I might potentially destroy our loving relationship now. But man, a big part of me wants to shout out of excitement and rage. The tables have turned. And yet he hasn’t recognized that his own shitty behavior is what caused it. I just want to let it out and then say I’m done, all is good, and go back to being loving at home but idk if that is possible……
Is it ever a good idea to fully unleash even if there is a 3rd party witnessing this in a safe place?
6 comments
That’s… not what therapy is for.
Well I think the real problem is that you have three years of pent up rage you want to unleash in the first place. Letting issues fester isn’t helping. So I’d probably bring that up in therapy rather than just yelling hateful things at him.
>But there is also a part of me who is extremely angry. Felt belittled overtime. Gaslighted. He has been a huge hypocrite lately and things are turning against his favor and he whines to me about it. So now I’m ready to laugh hysterically in the session and say YES!!! YES!!! YOU GOT A TASTE OF YOUR OWN MEDICINE! HOW DOES THAT FEEL??? PRETTY CRUDDY HUH? THATS HOW I FEEL FOR THE PAST 3 YEARS. FUCK YOU AND I HOPE YOU CONTINUE TO SUFFER UNTIL YOU LEARN TO TREAT OTHERS BETTER, AND IM NOT JUST TALKING ABOUT ME. I WISH ONE DAY YOU SUFFER SO MUCH THAT YOU BECOME ENLIGHTENED AND START HELPING PEOPLE OUT AROUND YOU.
You’re wanting to say that to **your husband**?
Check [this out](https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/).
>I have a feeling this will come out badly and I might potentially destroy our loving relationship now.
If he felt that way about you, how would that make you feel? Personally if my partner had that kind of thought going on in her head, and had it going on in her head for three years, I’d stop therapy and pursue divorce. It’s way too late when your partner is actively hoping that I suffer.
Your husband probably is an ass, but this is not what a marriage is. I feel bad for both of you.
Maybe just talk about this anger and resentment you have for your husband during therapy. No need to scream and rant
Someone entirely missed the point of therapy.
Also someone is either in a super abusive marriage they should leave, or they have huge blind spot to their own character flaws.
Your bitterness does not bode well for the marriage.
What I loved about marriage counseling was that it provided a protected platform for airing my grievances. At home, my wife would interrupt me and contest my argument before I even finished my point. It was frustrating and counterproductive.
At counseling I knew I would get all the time I needed to make my point. My wife would just have to sit there until I was done done. And then the counselor would summarize my points, ask if he got everything right, and then he allowed my wife to respond. Frankly, the counselor’s coaching on how to improve our relationship was “meh” but his role as a neutral facilitator was fantastic. It also helped that he validated most of my feelings and points, and my wife had to sit there and graciously take it. That was my favorite part!
Based on your telling of your situation, I’m not sure why you’d want to basically stoop to his level by cursing and shouting and threatening. It doesn’t sound like that is your style. Why compromise your principles now? Why not just deliver a cool, calm, and collected monologue articulating all the ways that you are disappointed with him and your marriage? And then hopefully your counselor will reiterate your points and validate them.