My boyfriend (23M) and I (21F) and I have been dating for three years and we’re happy together, but I’m starting to fear that our fundamentals make us not right for eachother.
Some back story: we met online four years ago and had an instant connection. We were very young at the mere ages of 17 (me) and 19 (him). We bonded over similar home lives, life stories, and interests. We both felt like we were “old souls” that couldn’t relate romantically to most other people our age, before we found eachother. Despite living on opposite sides of the US (him west coast, me east coast), we’ve been in an LDR for three years and managed to make about a dozen trips to see each other. We’re both in college right now in our home states (opposite sides of the US). I have another two years and he is about to graduate.
We were each other’s firsts for everything. We’ve had a wild relationship in terms of hoops we’ve jumped through to be together (unsupportive/strict parents because of culture issues). We spend so many waking hours together (on Facetime and call) and are very closely bonded. We have a very drama-free, loving relationship. All this to say, nothing is really “wrong” with our relationship, such as cheating, trust issues, or anything like that.
For the first two years, I thought I had scored big time and met my forever person on the first try, at such a young age. However, as we’ve matured and as I’ve learned more about him, I’ve started to feel less secure Here are some main examples.
**1)** We care about some different things. I’m interested in rescuing animals, traveling across the country and staying at trashy motels, shopping secondhand, volunteering, being eco-friendly. He could care less about the environment (believes it’s mainly corporations fault so why should average people even bother), wants a mansion home, sports car, wants to be a part of high society and own breeder-bought expensive dogs. I have managed to convince him to compromise on some of my interests. I’ve gotten him into thrifting and at least he reuses plastic bags now. But I ask myself, should I be with someone who I don’t have to pull and tug to just be *okay* things I’m interested in?
**2)** He’s on a very rigid “life schedule” and while I’m more exploratory and “go-with-the-flow.” He expects our future to go like this: move in directly after I graduate undergrad, get engaged in a year, get married a year from that, and start having kids right after. Work really hard and own a bunch of businesses so he can retire by 40. He’s already on the fastrack to wealth with his engineering degree. My view is, let’s move in together right after college and then determine the next milestones together as we go. It’s not that I don’t like his plan. It just feels so restrictive and tight which makes me uncomfortable. What if I’m not ready to start popping out babies at 25?
**3)** We have wildly different opinions on some things. He believes poor people, people that suffer from addiction, etc. are in those positions because they aren’t trying hard enough in life. That sounds like something a privileged person would say, but funny enough, he grew up very poor in a country with war and his family immigrated and became wealthy in a short time. Another thing: he is liberal, but believes that using pronouns other than she and he is stupid. I disagree.
**4)** He lives on the west coast and is adamant about staying there for the rest of his life. He expects me to move to a place of our choosing after I graduate, but that list for us to choose from includes about 6 US states. I have nothing against the west coast, but the restrictiveness of his opinion is making me feel boxed in because if I’m with him, I can never move anywhere else. He says if I want to continue my education post-undergrad (which would be three more years), it would have to be on the west coast only because he wouldn’t be willing to do three more years of long distance. What happens if my current university or another east coast/mid US school gives me a great opportunity?
But, we do have many other important things in common. I won’t list them because this is already long. And he is a good, loving, smart, loyal guy. We’ve been through so much together for three whole years. I’m not sure what to do because I don’t want to regret staying later on in life, but I majorly fear that if I were to leave, he’d end up as the one that got away.
TLDR: My bf (23M) and I (21F) have been in a loving relationship for three years, but as we’ve grown up, I see that we have some different beliefs and goals. I’m not sure if I should settle on a major compromise or deem that we’re not meant to be.
7 comments
This dude sounds rigid and stubborn in a way that might mean you are incompatible. And that is okay.
The ol own businesses and make money by 40 trick. Still figuring that one myself ☺️. It’s not that bad to have a plan but it depends on how he reacts when the both of you have to adapt.
Babes, it’ll be painful, but leave and go live YOUR life, not his.
This sounds like a really difficult situation to be in. It seems like you have a lot of conflicting feelings, and it’s understandable that you’re feeling confused. It can be hard to make a decision when our emotions are so strong and complex. I suggest taking some time to think about it and discuss your feelings with your partner honestly and openly. Best of luck!
2> You’d still have the agency to back out, no? Personally, I think a year of living together + having the hard discussions about values and goals is more than enough to figure out if you’re compatible for marriage. If after a year you’re still not sure about him, but he’s ready to move forward, then best to cut things off instead of hoping for a miraculous change.
But agreeing beforehand on the timeline for kids is important. Is he flexible enough to give you upto +3 years more time?
3> You have to get him to understand the reason why he was able to get out of tough conditions was because his family unit was intact and instilled values of hard work and education. And were they middle class in their home country to begin with? Many people in poverty here are stuck there due to structural spirals, including broken families, e.g. no father figure and mom having to work two jobs so that she can’t look out for her kids.
4> No straightforward answer to this other than to research the field you are interested in. Are programs in the East so much better than the west coast? Would it be worth it going to school in the East if you’ll live in the west long term and the west coast schools will have tighter connections to industry there? And conversely for him, what’s 3 years of living out East with you going to matter in the long run if you’re committing your lives together – if he sees from a long term perspective maybe he can be more flexible.
He sounds like he has a plan. A plan you don’t want. Try to figure out what you want to do. Or if you want your own life flexibility then end it or talk about it. Sounds tough
The way you describe it now you are incompatible. Honestly do each other a favour and split now. You’ll end up in this horrible. Middle ground if not