Anyone here be bothered by boyfriend/girlfriend having stuff up from previous marriage?

14 comments

1. Absolutely it would. A clock is fine – but with their ex-partner’s name on it? It’s supposed to be a shared space for the two of you and it represents a marriage that didn’t work out.

   I don’t think it’s insecure to feel that way.

2. Personally, stuff like that doesn’t bother me, as long as I’m secure in our commitment. Would it matter if it was a gift they received that didn’t have the inscription? If so, does that mean he should get rid of all the gifts he got when married? Or maybe it’s a bit deeper than that?
   I will say, this is like the 5th thread you’ve posted about this guy and your situation together. Why is that?

3. I think that I’d feel a bit mixed; with my ex wife, her stand mixer was a gift from the inlaws at her first marriage; but she loved that stand mixer; it was way out of budget for an item that she could afford at the time, and hell, it was still going strong at the end of our 20 year relationship. But also it’s a stand mixer that no guests are going to look at, and know the provenance of it.

   It would also depend where something is displayed. If it’s in the front hall, or one of the main rooms and it’s “Wonder and Rando Forever” emblazoned in text, I think that would have me heavily questioning how over their previous marriage that they really are. If they really like the clock that much, can’t they get some way to cover/change the previous text. Like even if it’s a wood carved grandfather clock, hire a local wood crafter to make and match the stain for a decorative piece to affix over the text? Seeing something written like that would make me cringe even if it was something *I* owned. Which is why I’d be re-questioning if this person is really over it.

   As for stuff up without writing, I don’t really have a problem with. E.g. I helped my GF hang up a cuckoo clock a few weekends ago. It’s something that she and her ex husband picked out on a trip to Germany a few years back, it never got hung up when they moved to this house (and this house itself was built by them, and a number of parts of it was things he wanted), and she got to keep it in the asset split. Yes, it was “theirs.” But it’s hers now.

   And more over, as she **does** appear to be over her marriage and her ex, I’m not going to have issues with her not replacing 15 years worth of “stuff.”

4. I wasn’t particularly concerned by the pictures my ex had up on the wall of his most recent ex-girlfriend. They were Polaroids that clipped onto a series of cords on a wall, and just seemed to be accumulating dust.

   Then his 2 x ex-girlfriend came over (they coparent) and *she* asked him to take them down because she and his previous girlfriend hated each other.

   So, I guess it really varies!

5. I’d be bothered by something commemorative like that clock. I put things on my walls that I love to look at, that make me feel like home, and feel like me. I wouldn’t like a new partner cherishing coupley things from a past relationship, unless they were a widower – that would be fine. I still have some practical things my ex-husband gave me – nice gym clothes, etc. I still have some wedding gifts – fancy blender, nice candlesticks. But I got rid of everything commemorative/romantic – jewelry, photos, things that are couple-y.

6. I’ve only dated one divorced person that I know of. He had and used a stand mixer in his ex wife’s favorite color that they got as a wedding present. It didn’t bother me. I love my kitchenaid too haha.

   I might be bothered by something like a wedding album. The clock would be iffy. I feel like owning a clock is an active choice in this day and age. Most people don’t even wear watches anymore.

7. As always, comes down to if you feel secure and comfortable in a relationship. If you do, things like this don’t matter (similar to whether they are friends with an ex, have close friends of the gender they are attracted to, travel alone, etcetc), and if you don’t well any and all of these might be an issue.

8. Probably not. It kind of depends on what it is and context though. Sentimental objects are different than functional objects. It also depends on context. A widow with sentimental stuff is different than a divorcee with sentimental stuff. It also depends on how secure your attachment is to your partner.

   For instance, my girlfriend has been widowed and divorced. I don’t feel threatened by either of those facts. I know she has things still from both relationships and that doesn’t bother me at all. Those relationships are part of who she has been in her life.

9. I just have to share this hilarious story with no actual advice or answer to your question:

   My long term partner ended up cheating on me with his best friend’s wife (and mother to their children). We were all friends. Shortly after we broke up he moved in with his now ex-best-friend’s ex wife into their home. They had the initials L (wife) and M (husband) and had those big wooden block letters in their initials up for decoration. My ex had the initial W, so when he moved in L simply turned the wooden M upside down to create W and keep the decor alive. Her ex husband was picking up the kids and saw it and sent me a picture and we died laughing. Sometimes it’s just too funny not to.

10. Yeah kids

11. I still have a bunch of stuff from my marriage. Not hanging up or out in the open. BUT I had an amicable divorce. My marriage brought me 2 amazing kids, we had fun while we were together however we hit a friendship pace that never let up no matter how much work we put in. The thought of being intimate with my ex is not something that sounds like a good time to me. I will never look at him in a romantic way again. With that said, I can’t bring myself to get rid of our wedding albums and some of the other stuff. Those were part of my life and past, I don’t regret it, and I spent a fuck ton of money on it. Now I don’t have it all over my house and nor do I look at it everyday. But I feel like trashing it or whatever isn’t something I’d want to do.

    To me, if you’re that concerned with me keeping those items we likely aren’t compatible. I am 1000000% not into my ex romantically. But I do appreciate the time we were together and the relationship we had. So, long way to say, depending on this persons reasoning for keeping it, would determine if I were concerned. It wouldn’t just be those items being there but the reason for it. Are you stuck on your ex? If so- big problem.

12. I mean, you’re posting pictures of yourself in your underwear and bra on a public forum, that’s okay but a clock is not?

13. People have pasts/histories. I can tell you I won’t be getting rid of the very nice personalized cutting board I bought as an anniversary gift (with dates) that my ex never used.

    It’s a practical tool and it means nothing as far as the relationship. If that’s something that makes a future partner insecure, they can keep on walking.

    Wedding photos still hanging on the wall would require a conversation.

14. I haven’t had that happen, but I think it would really depend on what it was.

    I can’t see being mad about a clock, but if they still had wedding pictures up, that may bother me.