(No idea if I’m posting in the right place.)
For context: I’m 30, engaged, low SE/mid SI (0/13 pts) which means I get turned off by regular things (ex. stress) and getting turned on is difficult. I’ve had low libido my entire life, thought I was asexual at one point, suddenly gained sexual interest in my mid-20s (but only for masturbating), and went back to near-asexuality when I started dating.
The difficulty is in that, according to the book, I’m not supposed to see my sexuality as a problem. My sexuality is “as is” and who I’ve been all along. But the map I’ve held on to for so long is more exciting and ideal than the terrain I’m experiencing. I sought mountains, but discovered flatlands. Emily goes on to say that “\[joy\] is how you feel about your journey toward your truest erotic self”. Except in my case, that means there is no erotic self. If my sexuality is “as is”, then there’s nothing to fix. But there’s nothing to celebrate either. I could lose my fiancé and I’m terrified.
23 comments
This is one of the problems of the book in my view – as much as overall I think it’s one of the best that’s been written on the subject. She spends so much time stressing that you’re normal and not broken, but precious little is written for people who would perhaps say “ok fine I’m normal and not broken, great, but the patterns of my sexual desire are not compatible with the life I want to live and the relationships I want to have, what can I do?”
That’s where the crickets start, and to my knowledge, no one has an answer. If they do, perhaps they’re too scared of being pilloried about “trying to fix/police women” to write about it.
I wish I had some, and I’m sorry I can’t be more helpful than that :(.
Can you afford sex therapy? Her book is a great place to start and has some interesting case studies as examples but it’s not really a self help book. If you need personalized advice, I think that’s what sex therapy is for.
At least you seem aware on how this can affect your relationship. I don’t wanna sound like a junkie but have you tried any drugs for sex? Something that will at least make you relaxed for sexy time?
I’m really sorry you’re going through this.
A couple of suggestions. Your post is all about your libido/interest in sex. Would you consider the sex that you do have to be good? Can you focus on quality over quantity? Even if you’re not in the mood as often as you’d like, you could take comfort that your sex life can still be great.
Alternatively, you could go back and analyse what triggers your accelerators and brakes. They might not be what you’d want them to be, but you can work out which contexts you are in the mood and replicate it as much as possible. What was the situation you last masturbated or had sex? What was the lead up, where were you, nothing to street you out etc.
You said that you’re worried about losing your fiancé. If you’re not communicating openly about this, then you should be. You should be clear about how you’re partially asexual as that’s unlikely to change greatly. If your partner is unhappy with the sex you’re having, you can possibly discuss other ways of getting their needs met. You might have a low interest in sex, but are you okay with cuddling or making out while he masturbates? There might be a compromise to be found.
Maybe you could elaborate on (and explore) what it is about sex that you are interested in. It sounds like you have a desire for sex, since you’re saying you’re excited by the idea of having more of it. What is it that feels exciting or that you want to do?
I have a few suggestions.
One, have you tried the workbook that goes along with Come As you Are? I’vs found it pretty useful.
Two, that novel should be seen as a starting ofc point, not the end all be all. There are so many books about human sexuality and the science and sex. It’s a whole section you can check out at Barnes and Noble. Read more, do more research. Checkout podcasts and blogs run by scientists and counselors and therapists focusing on relationships and sex.
Three, have you considered sex therapy? They can help you explore and understand your sexuality best using proven methods.
Best of luck!
I honestly stopped reading the book because I couldn’t relate to anything she was saying. I don’t need a lecture on how to appreciate female sexuality because I already do. What I need is someone to give me an answer as to why I (32F) have a low libido and no interest in sex whatsoever when throughout my teenage years I was a hormone crazed sex fiend.
Have you explored your feelings around intimacy vs sexuality? For example, maybe you are not interested in being sexual but you are interested in intimacy. Maybe you don’t like sex but enjoy naked cuddles without any pressure to do more? Just thought I’d throw that out there.
It sounds like you’re more reactive than spontaneous when it comes to sex, and that you might also have some pretty slow accelerators as well. Like she says, this is normal, but it can be very frustrating, specially if you want to just hit the gas and get things going! Has your fiancé read the book, and have the two of you tried working on these things as a couple? Some of your responses make it sound like you are trying to navigate this whole thing on your own and under your own power, and you might need them to help you gentle navigate accelerators over the course of a day or even a couple days to get the fires up to the level you want.
I’d encourage you to read your sexuality being “as is” more in light of types of things you’ll have to work on together and processes you’ll discover as the static thing, and not the place where you are now. Your sexuality is your ingredients, but you and your partner together can find ways to combine those ingredients in interesting ways to make something great. In my experience, this will take time and a bunch of trial and error.
Try reading “She Comes First.” It’s more about the wonders of women’s sexual organs, and less about orgasm, per se. But it teaches some great lessons for you and your fiancé, about how to love your sex, and increase pleasure. Great book
Smoke some good flower, put on some rhythmic, instrumental music, diffuse a lovely scent in the air. Lay back, relax, and guide your man to give you a deep massage leading to oral. Perhaps with some positive reinforcement, and a little less pressure, you’ll come to desire the pleasure and connection that good sex creates
The thing is, how can anyone say any libido is bad? Where is the line between good and bad?
Mine is VERY high. I truly don’t understand LLs. But how can I judge them as “bad”?
I have absolutely been shamed for mine, scolded that I’m unrealistic and will never fond what I want. By random Reddit strangers. Like, why do you care man? So
I want it more than you. I’m not dating you anyway. How does my libido offend you? Are you threatened because you couldn’t keep up? I dont need you to.
What do YOU want? Do you want a higher libido because you feel sex is a good thing and you don’t want to miss out? Do you only want a high libido because you don’t want to lose your guy? If your guy said he hated sex would you be happy and relieved? Or still frustrated because you want to desire sex for YOU?
This is so tricky. I understand you don’t want to lose him. And I feel for him. I was the HL in a dead bedroom and it damaged me greatly. But how can a person tell you that you need to “fix” this?
You can try a sex therapist maybe. But I honestly don’t know if that would be a good thing. For you to try to force this. Might make it worse. Give you sexual aversion.
Check out Vanessa and Xander on Instagram! She is a sex therapist and I’ve found their page helpful since I’m pretty new to learning about sex. They have some free guides and other content (they also have paid stuff but I’ve never bought anything).
Coming from a probably unqualified male so don’t hate me if I’m wrong, but if you’ve got some level of libido but lots of things take you out of the mood then maybe you just crave different things from most.
Most sex feels good but some people crave the emotional connection it gives them, others it’s an opportunity to let go and just be themselves which is rarely celebrated in society.
Idk the details but is there anything that did turn you on? E.g. when on your own was there any type of porn or scenarios that triggered something for you?
Are you actually attracted to your fiancé? Is it possible you are just not that into sex with men? You mentioned that porn and erotica work for you—what kind of stuff does get you going?
If you don’t mind me asking, did your partner also read it? I think that reading it on its own isn’t a fix. There are actual exercises and discussions that would likely help if both of you read it and talk about it.
It’s like one of you knows a new language and the other not knowing it. If you don’t have the language to discuss it or you are expecting to be able to do it on your own without help and understanding from your partner – it probably *won’t* be super helpful and may, in fact, cause you to feel lonelier.
I am a person who’s offs are external (stress etc) but when the context is there I have wonderful sex. But it has taken my partners consideration and thoughtfulness on this to get to that point.
We are chemically driven…! Oxytocin makes us loving. Men don’t have a lot, women do. When a woman breast feeds she is flooded with it, as it is part of the mechanism of producing milk, and the child benefits greatly from it. Dopamine makes us happy. Medical Depression is associated with the excessive reuptake of of serotonin that is the precursor of dopamine, therefore making less dopamine. Yet people who take current antidepressants are not always helped by taking them. So women have a low testosterone level. But men have a higher testosterone level. Would testosterone help you attain a more stable sexual libido, just a thought, but you may not want to increase your libido in that manner.
Are you seeing a therapist to work on your self-esteem? I think you’d be surprised by how much your relationship with yourself affects your libido.
What you eat affects your libido.
Your weight affects your libido.
Whether you exercise or not affects your libido.
My libido all but died in my last relationship. Even when I could get aroused I often found it hard to orgasm. Stress, my sense of self worth from an unhealthy relationship, the junk we were always eating.. and I’d lost the motivation to work out. All of this negatively impacted my libido.
It’s also worth recognising that a woman’s arousal is more often responsive as opposed to spontaneous. Not being in the mood doesn’t necessarily have to equate to “we can’t have sex”.. it just means you need time to warm to it.
It’s clear you love your partner. So try to see intimacy & sex as closeness to them. An expression of your love for them. If you explore together you might find things that feel as good as masturbation does for you and sex could become a joy as opposed to a trigger for anxiety.
Info: Have you considered reaching out to a therapist? often times low self worth can cause a domino effect to our sexual self worth, not to mention increase anxieties . Being asexual isn’t a bad thing but if you’re truly wanting to know if what you’re experience is malleable vs permanent: therapy with a focus on sexual health and anxiety
I know suggesting therapy is hard, especially in expensive times so I want to suggest something I use and am not a referral or receive any stuff.
It’s called 7Cups and it’s an app that’s free to use and it is kinda like baby reddit but ran by therapists and psychology folks. You can join boards, talk individually, or even find someone via telehealth if you’re interested in formal (paid) help.
You mention porn/erotica working as an accelerator but it sounds like you don’t like to use it a lot. Is there a reason why you are against it?
I use erotica/porn as a tool to help get me in the mood. Sometimes I get the START of being turned on on my own or from my husband and I still use those tools to help amplify it and heighten it. The PRESSURE of getting turned on at the right time is paralyzing and having that tool has helped take so much pressure off. My husband loves when I use these tools – they always lead to satisfying sex. He knows I am attracted to him so feels no threat by them – he understands my sex drive works differently than his because I talk about it openly.
I could write a book on this, and I realize something that helped me might not work for everyone, but somatic experiencing therapy made a huge difference in my sex drive. And I didn’t start it for that purpose, it was just an added bonus.
get your testosterone levels checked. they can be effected by many things including birth control, acne meds or you could just could be naturally low. you need to find a gyno with an interest in sexual health who is open to testosterone treatment in women
Okay, so… I might get down-voted to heck for this but if you really want to give “having a sexuality” a shot, then it might be worth it to try “just having sex” as a last resort.
The theory behind this being that maybe you haven’t yet found the thing that you like about sex, that would be a strong enough driver to push you to go for it.
Basically, the advice would be to treat sex a little like a new exercise you’re trying to get into. So you’d aim to have it 2-3 times a week. You’d want to try different activities to see if there were ones that you liked more than others, and you’d try to come at it like an activity that you did with your significant other for the purposes of bonding with them and building a connection. Like, if you went rock climbing or ice skating not because you were super into it, but because your SO really loved it and loved doing it with you.
If you’ve already tried that, I’m not sure if there’s another answer, but if you’re really at the end of your rope and you haven’t given this a shot, I think it would be worth a try.
Libido is indeed something that varies widely between people and to the extent that you fiancé is interested in sex that very much could spell big trouble. Sexual incompatibility is one of the primary reasons for relationship failure. Before accepting that your future is to live on the great plains, ask your GYN to do a blood test looking at your testosterone level. That hormone rather than estrogen is the main driver of sexual urges for women as it is for men. If your level is low or in the lower quartile of “normal,” ask if you could try one of the topical testosterone gels to explore what happens if you raise the circulating hormone level. There is also the counseling approach in the event that something psychological is going on; the brain is after all the biggest sex organ.