My boyfriend and I have more or less been together for 3 years. We’re also 4 years apart. I met his mom/ family a little over a year ago, when I was 17, and because of our small age gap and how upset my parents got that I wasn’t with someone my own age, we told his family I was 18 at the time, and on my 18th birthday told them I was turning 18, and apologized sincerely. It’s been a year later, and bfs mom still brings this up to other people, and how it makes me a liar.
Boyfriend’s mom also has 2 younger kids, 9 and 10. They’re both very close to me, and often ask me to sleep over, or come over to hangout with them. They see me as a cool older sister, and have pointed out to me that I give them more attention then their mom/ let them do more, which they really like. (Their mom homeschools, and lets them outside once a week. They spend most of their day w her on various screens). My boyfriends mom asks me to babysit for them a lot, and we do stuff like go outside, clean up the house, read books and do arts and crafts.
However, dispite asking me to babysit often, bfs mom also complains about me to his younger siblings, dad, and him. Bfs mom complains that I do too much with her kids, overstep her boundaries (I take her inside dog for walks when I babysit, because I don’t believe a dog should spend it’s whole life indoors) and she doesn’t “like the things I say or do” (9 mentioned her mom was always saying this.)
boyfriend’s mom will also complain to bf, about how I’m a bad driver and 10 and 9 always want me to drive them places, and I say “I’d love to, but you need to ask your mom” instead of saying no, or how I complain that indoor dog has bad breath by calling him Mr. Stinkers instead of his real name sometimes.
She also complains that I ask how the homeschool is going, which she thinks is me being pushy and rude (she hasn’t homeschooled the kids in months, and never did a good job, so 9 and 10 can’t read, write or do math past basic subtraction or writing their names) so maybe she feels guilty when I mention it.
Boyfriend’s mom will never complain or correct me directly, but always to other people. Most recently she was complaining to 9 and 10 about how she doesn’t like the things I say or do, and how I’m a horrible driver, and then asked me to babysit her kids for the weekend, which I do for free.
I also have years of childcare experience, and am currently a nanny who drives kids to after school activities as my full time job, so I don’t think I’m some terrible person who can’t be trusted around kids, especially as she left her kids with me for the weekend.
I’d like to confront her about all the complaining she does behind my back, but I have a hard time confronting people like that, and like to avoid conflict. How can I politely confront her and ask her to stop complaining about me behind my back?
Tl;dr boyfriend’s mom constantly complains about me to everyone else, but is really nice to my face and asks me to babysit constantly. How can I confront her about what she says behind my back?
14 comments
EDIT: on my read-through of your post I missed that you have been together for 3 years. 17 was already iffy for me, but you were FOURTEEN/FIFTEEN when the two of you met. The only solution for you here is to get away from a guy that is willing to date 14/15-year-olds at age 19. That’s ILLEGAL in many places. Most, if not all of the US for instance.
What I original posted:
This is one of many reasons not to date a 21-22-year-old at 17.
If you want it to stop, your boyfriend is the one responsible to make it happen. It’s his mom, it’s for him to sort out, he should be just as offended as you, and if he’s not, that’s a problem.
Why are you volunteering your time to her children, especially when she’s not grateful.
Go put that time into earning extra money elsewhere.
Better to spend less time with her, especially when your BF is busy.
Wtf. I can’t get past the fact that the kids are illiterate. I’m sorry but you’re only 18 probably not going to spend your life with this guy anyways. He needs to say something to his mother. Those kids need to go to proper school— this is child neglect. It sounds like the mom wants to trap the kids and the dog in the house so none of them can ever leave.
I was ready to be on your side until I read about the things she complains about.
Her complaints are valid, but this is an issue of her not communicating directly to you.
Boyfriend did right in trying to redirect her but if she continues to refuse to talk to you he has to escalate the problem and make it clear to her that bitching behind your back is not okay.
He should try to get dad on board as well tbh.
On your end, I’d just mention to her that you’ve heard about the comments and that you’d appreciate it if she talked to you directly when she has a concern.
If she continues to complain about babysitting to people that are not you, stop babysitting.
With thay said, try to ease off on some of the negative commentary. At the end of the day you’re no one’s mom and it’s not really your place to fuck with her style of parenting or to dictate how her dog is treated. If she doesn’t like something you’re doing with them, be willing to stop it. Stop calling her dog Mr. Stinky and lay off on the homeschooling commentary.
Edit to add: Just caught up on the illiteracy stuff. That’s unfortunately beyond your scope. It sounds like people are aware, and CPS has been called so they kind of have to handle that amongst the adults.
If you feel this strongly about all this, you’re kind of just going to have to eat some negative commentary from her. You don’t get to poke the bear and not get swiped at.
Wait wait wait wait: the kids lack basic reading skills at the ages of 9 and 10? That’s bad, CPS level bad. Talk to your boyfriend about it, these kids need help and bf mom clearly isn’t capable of giving them that help. I am not against homeschooling in general per se, I am however against bad homeschooling done by unskilled parents who leave their kids illiterate. If your boyfriend gives a damn about his brother’s future he should call CPS, unless he can step in and actually give his brothers an education.
You dated for 3 years meaning you got together when you were 15 and he was 19??
You should not confront her on your own. It won’t end well.
Your boyfriend is supposed to be the one who’s standing up to his mother and defending you. This woman feels insecure that her kids like you so much and she’s also probably having trouble dealing with her precious baby adult son growing up and replacing her with someone else. These are *her* issues to deal with, not yours.
If I were you I would reduce contact with her. Stop babysitting for free, definitely. Make your boyfriend talk to his mother about how she mistreats you. Your boyfriend has been handling this situation wrong by trying to get you and his mom to work this out between you. It’s *his* responsibility to help mediate conflict between you.
Spend ten minutes on this sub and you’ll find ten posts from women a lot older than you who have terrible relationships with their mother in laws and husbands who always pick their mom over their wife. This is the kind of guy your boyfriend is. Save yourself from a few decades of mother-in-law hell by escaping now. You’re way too young to be dealing with this nonsense.
It’s your bf’s job to tell her to stop talking shit about you. Period. End of story. If she doesn’t stop then step all the way back and stay away from her and her kids. Might need to break up with your boyfriend too if he doesn’t take steps to get this behavior to stop or stands back and allows it to continue.
Not sure where you live, but that age gap could have resulted in criminal charges for your boyfriend. In my state in the US, Romeo and Juliet laws wouldn’t have been applicable, and he could have been arrested for child molestation if anything physical went on. Personally, if I were the parent, I would have trouble getting over the fact that your omissions could have landed my son in jail with a permanent place on the Sex Offender registry and ruining his whole life. The son knew? Well, when your that age you make dumb choices and it’s a parents job to protect their kid when their kid won’t protect themselves. Maybe that’s not an issue where you live, but that’s where my mind is sitting.
It sounds like you’ve gotten attached to a momma’s boy – and the momma is an insecure child herself. He found a young girl who made him feel mature but I suspect that you have already surpassed him in that department in the last 3/4 years of knowing him. She feels threatened by you, because as you grow and demonstrate that you’re more capable of being his mommy than she ever was it paints her in an ever-increasingly negative light. If he won’t stick up for you in this matter, he won’t respect any of your needs. This man will become nothing more than another burden to your growth.
You do not. This is on him to manage. If he won’t, that is a big issue.
High school relationships have their time and place (not withstanding the weird age gap here). Maybe you should think about moving on rather than spending more time investing in a relationship you started at age 14? At age 14 nobody can really make good lifelong decisions.
Next time she asks you to babysit tell her you don’t think you want to because she talks so much crap about you behind your back, and you don’t do favors for people who mistreat you.
I think you just need to accept this woman isn’t ever going to like you. You point out her flaws, you upset her by telling her the truth. So short of just keeping your mouth shut and ass kissing, she’s never going to stop bad mouthing you