I can’t stop acting like a jerk with people, and I kind of have trouble expressing my emotions, or genuine kindness to people

I wish I could be kind, quiet, or more reserved, so that even if I’m not really outgoing, people would still come to like me

But I really just can’t help but alienating people with my weirdness and jerk-ness

I guess since I’m not really as good at social interactions as everyone else, it’s the desperate measure I’ve developed over the years to gain attention from people in a non conventional way, but I can’t help it anymore now.

And this was barely helped by how my mother raised me to view people and society with hostility, thus I kinda internalised a superiority complex over people, which really doesn’t help in my jerk attitude towards people

And might also have internalised in me to never let my guard down against people, which is why I have trouble venting or sharing my feelings to people I know (which is why I am pretty much venting to reddit strangers right now), or expressing kindness to people. It just feels fake and disingenuous when I try to act kind towards people, and I sort of feel disgusted with myself after saying this, but it’s not really who I am, and I am only putting up a fake image of myself when doing this with people.

on a side note, I also suspect a hint of neuro-divergence? But I haven’t really gotten the results for the autism screening I took yet, and I will be screening for ADHD beginning in March. But a lot of the characteristics I exhibit sound like they very much are results of Autism and ADHD, which if they are, well then at least I’m glad that I would potentially be able to remedy some of this with ADHD medication.

What are your thoughts? Why do you think I am like this? How could I improve?