My bf and I have been together over eleven years. He often reminisces about the beginning of our relationship where we were very affectionate and had a lot of sex. The first steep drop off in our sex life was my pregnancy. I for whatever reason just wasn’t as into it during my pregnancy and he was to be frank – pretty fucking whiny about it so in addition to me not being interested due to what was going on with me physically, I resented him for his attitude. To this day I remember some of the truly shitty things that he said and can’t get them out of my head. Our kid is TEN. There have also been incidents where he discussed our sex life with mutuals (including his MOTHER) that I would have never discussed such a thing with and I quite frankly, felt violated. Having my friends and his mother essentially confront me about why I don’t have sex with him…I don’t even know how to put that feeling into words.
More recently he’s just difficult to communicate with and he doesn’t really listen when I explain to him why things aren’t like they were before. I mostly refrain from pointing out the behaviors that have pushed me to this point and focus on what’s going on with me (I sleep lighter, am depressed, stressed, etc.) and I still get little to no understanding. This morning he essentially reduced me to a cook because I didn’t want to cuddle when he literally woke me up out of my sleep. In his opinion I should have just rolled over and folded into it instead of being irritated and grabbing my phone and starting my day.
I believe this is at a point where it isn’t salvageable since he can’t seem to acknowledge my mental and physical struggles and feels like I’m withholding something from him as opposed to just struggling to get through my day.
Should I even attempt the formality of couple’s counseling or just let it go?
Tl;Dr – my bf is unhappy with our sex life and has been a detriment to his own cause with his lack of empathy and communication skills. Should we attempt counseling or call it a day?
16 comments
Are you currently in counseling or therapy for your depression and stress? If not, I think it would do you some good.
It sounds like you’ve kind of checked out already, so I don’t know that there is much you can do with all these feelings you have for him. But this is my guess at what could’ve happened:
When the shift in your relationship occurred during your pregnancy – he wasn’t sure how to handle that. Sure, he probably became very whiny about it as you describe it, but honestly if you were routinely acting as A and then randomly shifted to B, he was likely very confused and unsure what might’ve been wrong, even if you were telling him somewhat directly.
Regarding talking to his mother or others about things – I would say that he’s trying to figure things out. He doesn’t know what to do or who to talk to so he is likely reaching out to people who are close to him (likely females specifically) in order to understand what has happened or what he might’ve done.
As far as the cuddling goes, he’s probably also reaching his limits at this point. He’s sexually frustrated and likely also frustrated with you for seemingly always shutting down his advances. I’d highly doubt that he expected you to just ‘fold into it’ and more that he hoped you would appreciate that he was trying to be intimate with you.
I think at the end of the day this is all stemming from a lack of communication. You say you’ve tried to speak with him and he doesn’t really listen or whatever – but think deeply about how he’s reacted, I’m certain he hasn’t handled every conversation well, but were you always direct about how you felt? Was there any room for confusion?
> I mostly refrain from pointing out the behaviors that have pushed me to this point
Yup, this needs counseling and it needs it badly. You’re not communicating and yet you’re assigning blame based off of not communicating.
>he’s just difficult to communicate with and he doesn’t really listen when I explain to him why things aren’t like they were before
You lack the same empathy you want from him.
>Should I even attempt the formality of couple’s counseling or just let it go?
You need counseling regardless of whether you decide to stay or go. This is the kind of race to the bottom treatment that allows both parties to feel fully justified as to why the other must give ground first. Sorry, you own your actions, and your actions show that you are acting in spite just as much as his actions are. But you don’t control him, you control you. So why are you acting in a manner that is inconsistent with the standard you want from him?
So, you’re mad at him because he’s upset over a lack of intimacy?
That’s appalling. I can’t imagine staying in a relationship where there’s no affection, and every time I attempt to show affection; she gets pissed off.
You need to do him a favor and let him go. You fail to recognize his struggles and the damage your inflicting, yet expect him to understand yours?
You’re insufferable.
>he doesn’t really listen when I explain to him why things aren’t like they were before
While I realise that must be frustrating, it seems you don’t listen *at all* when he has been telling you for TEN YEARS how much this bothers him. Of course he talks to other people, of course he tries to get them to talk to you because *you* are not listening.
Not excusing if he said mean things, if he did, but for you to dismiss his very genuine and important feelings as “whiney” is unproductive and disrespectful. Do you even like this man?
You two needed couples counselling a decade ago. You should absolutely have it now. Even if only to help the two of you realise if this is not salvageable, and to help the two of you accept the new reality, and perhaps work out if to divorce, and if so how to coparent.
You should do your own counselling first 100%. Im sorry but you’re lucky he’s still with you. I am not condoning his bad words or behaviour but I absolutely couldn’t stay with someone I hadn’t shared intimacy with in that long. I’d feel completely disconnected and unloved by them. All he’s facing is constant rejection.
I can understand why you were upset he spoke to his friends and mother but I can only imagine how hard he’s struggling with it and needed someone to listen to him because given the way you phrased it you certainly aren’t.
Not habing sex weighs heavily on a person. Its a big part of a relationship and grounds to leave people. He doesn’t acknowledge any of your struggles. You also don’t acknowledge his struggles. If no one moves, this is a dead end. This is a both of you vs the problem situation and not a you vs him situation. A third party can unravel the core problems and help you fond a solution. This only works when BOTH of you want to find a solution tho
I need to know the frequency of intimacy between you two because newsflash darling man care a lot about sex once they start having it they need it some can even go multiple times a day while others are fine with once a week or even a month but they might not like it much and it seems to me you haven’t been giving the guy sex heck you’re not even giving cuddles then what is the point of him staying with you he has every right to be frustrated with you and it seems like you have a bad attitude towards his attempts at intimacy as well as for him asking his mom or his friends well he can’t get a reason out of you or how to fix things so he is trying others for advice and I must say you’re lucky he didn’t cheat and honestly if he did and you were having sex with him once a year for the past 10 years I wouldn’t really blame him for cheating
>i mostly refrain from pointing out the behaviors that have pushed me to this point and focus on what’s going on with me
How is this supposed to help?
Yes tell him that a big part of not wanting to have sex with him boils down to him insulting you and now you can’t get that out of your head. That’s what seems to be the actual issue here and you don’t sound like you’re remotely communicating that.
If you want to stay in this marriage, definitely consider marriage counseling. If you don’t, then figuring out divorce should probably be the next step.
Honestly, it sounds like you don’t even like him, and I’m guessing he’s picking up on that. Not saying you don’t have reasons. But it doesn’t really sound like you’re interested in fixing your issues as much as you just want him to leave you alone, so yeah…. let it go.
I’m 39f and I have no interest in sex. The thought of it feels like dying to me. I intimately understand your condition.
That being said, it’s reasonable to want sex in a romantic relationship, so I cannot blame your partner for getting frustrated. If you miss a sex drive (I personally don’t) then you can try to seek treatment for it, but if you’re just not into sex rn (like me) I don’t think you should force it. If you don’t want to have sex with your partner, you should either open the relationship or end things.
Things change. I used to have a high sex drive, but now I personally cannot see myself ever desiring it again (I might do it to keep someone I loved happy). I do crave intimacy and partnership and I have no idea how to get that, because I don’t think there are many men (I’m more or less straight) who would be interested in a relationship with me (even though I think I’m otherwise a catch).
I believe you should try both therapy for your mental health and couples therapy, I think that would be very helpful. Maybe go to a psychiatrist if it’s really bad because medication can be really helpful alongside therapy. Remember that therapy needs time and you need time to get better so it will take a while or maybe even shorter for it to work.
A couples therapist would help, perhaps your boyfriend doesn’t really understand what is going on with you, even when you tell someone some people may just not fully understand it so a therapist would help for you both to understand each other and work together, not against each other. I hope this helps and you feel better.
Why won’t you communicate honestly with your husband? It’s like you’ve already made the decision to divorce him and are just waiting until the day you pull the trigger.
Look – if you don’t want to be with him, just divorce now so you can both move on. If you do want to be with him, you need to be honest and lay it all out. As it is, it doesn’t sound like you’ve made it possible for him to even start addressing the issue. He’s not a mind reader! And it’s not fair or right to expect that of him. Of course he’s frustrated, sex is one of the primary needs met by a romantic relationship.
You can (and should) blame him for his shitty behavior but it doesn’t sound like you’re interested in acknowledging the deep existential pain that comes from being chronically shunned by your partner.
Your bf being a shit aside….it sounds like you don’t want to fix this. Why are you punishing him and yourself for something that happened ten years ago?
Some people really just like misery huh.
To answer your question, yes let go.
A few things.
His perspective, or anyone else that experiences it, you no longer wanting physical intimacy is soul crushing to your partner. Period. Go read
r/deadbedrooms to see how devastating it is.
10 years of his affection, need, want being refused has more than likely caused a lot of resentment on his part.
Has this resentment boiled over to how he now treats you? Perhaps. Is it an excuse for him to treat you poorly, absolutely not.
If you want this relationship to work, you and he need to find a licensed marriage counseler and spend the time and effort needed to repair your relationship.
You need to voice your dislike of his actions, his words. Not while angry, but while having an in depth adult conversation.
Jesus, you’ve internalized your frustration with him and still haven’t been honest about why you two haven’t been having sex for the last 10 years. I’m not saying this is your fault, I’m sure his behavior was and continues to be objectively shitty and deserving of the feelings you have, and you two have a kid who no doubt takes a lot of your energy and attention, but why have you just accepted being unhappy all of these years? There are no prizes at the pearly gates for being the most stubborn.
If you both want to get help and genuinely want to work on the relationship and actually do the work, it can get a lot better. It may take a lot of individual and couple’s therapy to get there, and of course you two might figure out that it’s not salvageable. Honestly, I would focus on individual therapy first. If his behavior is sociopathic or abusive, and not just honestly not knowing how to cope with the lack of sex that most pregnancies/deliveries entail, your therapist can help you figure that out. Like, if you have good reason to think he would get violent if you told him it has been his behavior over the last 10 years that you don’t want to be intimate, you shouldn’t try to salvage anything.
So, are you doing anything for these mental and health issues? It doesn’t sound like it really. It sounds like you are putting the whole blame on him. You seem to deserve a certain amount of blame also.