Was my friend just pretending to be nice to me because I was suicidal or did she actually care?

I feel like I bonded really closely with a friend of mine because she went above and beyond to make me feel better about myself when we still lived near each other (I’ve moved away since), however I feel like she doesn’t feel the same about me, and that if I try to keep in touch with her I’ll just be a bother.

I won’t go into detail as to what my friend did, since some of it is pretty oddly specific and I don’t want to accidentally dox myself, but at the time, my friend went above and beyond to make things better for me because she knew I was having suicidal thoughts and had recently been hospitalized for it. Always assured me she wasn’t going to bully me like my last job did (they were the reason I was suicidal), and that if I ever needed anything she’d be there for me, like, literally anything. I tried to reciprocate it as best as I could, if I ever grabbed anything from the store or something I offered to get her something. Made sure to listen when she talked about whatever was going on in her personal life with me, since she always offered to do the same for me. Even though we did all of that, she never really wanted to hang outside of work, although she has no problem with hanging out with other friends and our coworkers. It always rubbed me the wrong way, and I can’t tell if I’m just being neurotic about it, but it felt like the bond I had with her wasn’t being reciprocated, like this person became one of my best friends to me, yet I was probably at most an acquaintance. Sometimes we text each other, but it’s once in a blue moon and it’s only in a groupchat I’m in and she rarely participates at all. I haven’t actually reached out to her in 6 months because I’m afraid of bothering her if she doesn’t like me, which is something I’ve always been afraid of since she is kind of introverted and standoff-ish, but I want to know how she and our other coworkers are doing, my old job was kind of like a family and everyone was supposed to have each other’s backs and stuff

Btw I know my other coworkers lied to me about being there for me because they all promised to call me and keep in touch and when I’d reach out they’d block me or tell me to go away, but they never went above and beyond like my friend did either, it was mostly just saying they’d keep up in passing and stuff. I’m just scared she is the same way, and just more tact and nice about everything because she knows I’m still struggling. I get that what I’m doing through puts a lot of pressure on others, they’re afraid of hurting me because they think they’re gonna push me to the edge or some stupid shit, but leading me on when you don’t mean it hurts a lot more than honesty.

I just want to keep in touch with her and thank her for everything without coming off as weird. I’m not used to people being genuine around me, most of my friends and I never really open up to each other, and all we do is joke with each other, so I’m not used to being serious or sincere with someone like this. I know if she doesn’t really care she’ll tell me if I text her, but God am I scared to find out the truth 🙁