I’ve read some advice on here about active listening and talking less. I’ve actually improved on this and I enjoy hearing others talk.
My problem is when it’s my turn to talk or relate to what they’ve said I can’t seem to stop one-upping. So for example they could say they went snowboarding somewhere and then I reflexively say how I went snowboarding somewhere better. That sort of thing.
Or they could be saying how they hate their water bottle and I’ll feel the need to brag about how amazing mine is and how they should get it. Which might seem like I’m trying to be helpful but it’s really me acting insecure and using it to brag.
I’m fully aware of it and I hate when I do it. I only realise it after the fact. It’s really cringy and embarrassing because it’s not how I want to interact with people at all.
How do I stop doing this!! I can’t seem to catch myself before doing it.
3 comments
I mean this is better than always putting yourself down. But I can see how this is destructive.
It sounds like your deeper question here is how can you participate in conversations in a productive way?
My solution would be to get more curious. Practice asking meaningful questions instead of responding with a statement.
They don’t like their water bottle – ask what they don’t like about it. Ask what they would prefer to have. Then ask them if you can mention why you love your water bottle.
They went snowboarding somewhere. Ask them what their favorite part about it was? You can still mention that you went to a more epic place, that’s not a problem. You may even inspire them to make the trip there next time.
It’s good you noticed the issue here. That’s the first step to making a change. Try some mindfulness practice to help you become even more aware.
And I would say you should journal / reflect / practice affirmations in your solo time. Start to reprogram your mind from “I constantly one-up people” to “I inspire others towards greatness by being my best self”
You can also physically **stop** yourself from speaking. It’s better to say nothing, or just let out an “oh, cool” in response to something like the snowboarding trip than to continue by talking about yourself (in cases like this).
Make pausing a habit. Use that time to think about the situation, the conversation, and the other person. Pay attention to what instantly comes to mind. You want to talk about YOUR amazing trip. So think about what you’d say, and then come up with a question for the OTHER person based on that, that’d enable them to share more about their experience.
Habit breaking takes time and practice.
You are on the right track because you recognize this is a behavior that you would like to change. A saying I use often to myself is speak if it improves the silence. So when the other is done speaking how will you improve the conversation? One sure fire way is to use strategies such as asking questions about what the other person has said. You can also repeat back to the person what you think you heard., such as “So you just got promoted in your job after only 6 months? Wow what an accomplishment” people love to feel heard and understood and validated. The next time you’re in a conversation try to not think at all about how you will respond. We all naturally do this but we’re so busy thinking about our response we miss what is being said. If all else fails silence is kinder than showing how much better we are by one upping. You can get this under control. Just practice