I am 35f and have no children but I have always wanted marriage and kids. It just hasn’t worked out yet.
I met a guy through a common hobby(39m) who has 3 kids, the youngest being 8 and he has been divorced for a bit. He has amazing qualities and in so many ways, is the kind of guy I have been looking for. He is good father to his kids, has a good amount of emotional intelligence, has a stable career, and is into personal growth, is introspective and reflective, etc. Has a good amount of friends and is really well rounded. I have never dated someone with kids before… but because of his qualities, I thought I would give it a try… so before things get really serious, I feel like there’s a lot of questions I should probably be asking. I expressed right away that I want marriage and to have a kid of my own someday and he said he is open to that. But… I think I probably should dig deeper into that topic because he told me he did have a vasectomy after his youngest was born that will have to be reversed. He seems to think this shouldn’t be a dealbreaker because its reversible…. I’m not sure how hung up on this I should be but I’m kind of hung up on it.
The other two questions that seem pretty important to me are, 1. What role does he expect a future partner to take in the lives of his kids? 2. Financial stuff… Is a future partner expected to help fund college educations, etc for these kids? I get that I will be paying for some stuff. But obviously some expenses are much larger than others. Also, I always thought if I got married, I’d be combining finances, accounts, etc since that is what everyone in my family has always done. But I’ve worked hard to switch careers in my late 20s and I’m finally am making pretty good money and I’m not sure I want to combine everything with someone who has so many other responsibilities in their life at this point? Maybe I’m being selfish? I just don’t want to lose what I’ve worked so hard for.
I’ve been really holding back and telling him I want to take things slow but it’s been a few months so he asked me if I could more clearly define what “going slow” means to me and what I want in a partner. It made me realize, I’m only going slow because of all these unknowns…and I’m wasting time and need to figure it out.
What other important questions have you guys asked when dating partners that already have kids? Just looking for advice since this is really new and unknown territory for me and it feels like there’s probably a lot I’m missing.
8 comments
> vasectomy…because its reversible
It is, but it complicates matters quite considerably. For one thing, it’s not cheap and insurance rarely covers it. Additionally, it’s not a 100% chance it all gets hooked back up properly. So while not a deal breaker, it is something to consider in whatever timeline you hope to have.
> What role does he expect a future partner
You’ll probably get the “They already have a mother” line that most parents hand out. The truth of the matter is you and the kids will most likely determine what sort of relationship you have, not him. That is to say, the kids will determine what they want and hopefully you’re receptive to it if you want the relationship to have any hope of longevity.
> Financial stuff
I think one of the more common things now is you have a shared account that you put money into equitably to pay for shared living expenses. At least at first. Maybe way down the road you stop giving a shit but for the first while at least it’s not unheard of to have separate banking accounts.
> What other important questions have you guys asked
It sounds like you’re several months into this, so most of the stuff you probably already know and/or have observed. What his parenting style is like, how involved his ex is, how willing he is to yeet the kids to Grandma’s house so you two can have a sexy night in watching Ghostbusters or whatever.
There’s some deep/difficult conversations you can have like what you’ll do to avoid alienating his kids if/when the two of you have one and stuff like that. He might be willing to have another child but what would he do if his kids were against wanting a step-sibling and so on.
It is very important to know how he gets along with his co-parent. Are they constantly arguing, amicable, or actually still friends? Do they work well together as a team or is this more of a parallel parenting situation? Are they able to be flexible with each other as needed (i.e. if he wanted to take the kids on an extended vacation which might require them to switch days/if he wanted to go away without the kids and switch days so he could do that)? Some of this won’t be totally relevant right away (especially since I think you haven’t met the kids yet?) but long term it’s important.
I know this isn’t what you asked but here’s my opinion as someone whose partner has kids (and we are getting married this winter) – the kids have two parents, it’s not my responsibility to fund their college funds, etc. I mean yeah if I came into a bunch of money I definitely would set some aside for them but as it stands this is the responsibility of the biological parents. I’ll happily contribute to birthdays, Christmas gifts, outings/activities, holidays expenses, etc. Because I love them and I want to do that for them but the bigger stuff I will leave alone.
I stopped after 3 kids. No. No. No. No. No.
Do not pass go. Too many kids.
We are same ages. I was briefly texting a dude that had kids.
He is doing the good father thing, and very into parenting, good for him. He should be doing that.
But bruh…for a single woman, no kids..that’s up the kids ass too much. You won’t come 1st, 2nd, 3rd, or probably 4th.
Anything with the kids are priority. We didn’t really know each other but his kids were the main topic. It’s not the first time I’ve encountered.
I just take it the same if a mom has been really into parenting for awhile.
But it just hammered the cold harsh truth: no men with small kids for me. I’m OK with older men, if his first set are grown, out of the house, don’t care. Not dealing with custody or taking a back seat.
I should add: I’ve lived most of my life single. I really-really want that connection and focus on EACH OTHER.
Add 2: I want potentially want 1 kid. I would NOT date a man with a vasectomy, deal breaker.
Add 3: please let this man play house with another woman that has kids and they can sort through all that BS.
He’s going to put off reversing the vasectomy. At 35 is that a risk you’re willing to take?
I’m 37M and been on so many first dates with women with no kids, I thought I’d widen the pool and go on a couple of dates with women with kids. Turns out they have been even worse – super keen to chat before we meet, then the worst ghosting I’ve had in 4 yrs of being single
Never again trying to date someone with kids.
As a single dad who is sort of attempting to date:
Future partners should expect to be an active and positive presence in my children’s lives if we get serious. I would not continue things with someone if I did not see her as being able to be a stepmother to my children. Casual dating, sure, but nothing serious.
I would not expect future partners to contribute to future expenses for my children. Their mother and I will take care of that. I’d expect a partner (assuming we are living together) to pay their share of living expenses, with my children not entering into that. E.g. rent for the household is X, we each pay X/2, etc.
If you want to continue, PLEASE ask all those questions. Please, please do.
I think you’re being SMART to want to lock down exactly what he expects in terms of your role in the lives of the parenting aspects of the kids.
Yes, they have a bio mum you don’t wish to replace, but if you LIVE with a man and his kids, of course you will have SOME form of a parenting role – ie if you ask them to clean their rooms, and they say ‘I don’t have to listen to you because you’re not my mum’, will your husband back you up when you say ‘I know I’m not your mum and I don’t wish to replace your mum – but I live in the house, too, and I get a say in the household rules as the other adult’ or not?
That also applies if the kids are with you part time (shared custody with the ex).
I wish more step parents would ask those questions before marrying parents – especially if the ex is one of those types who will be vile to you and he will just let her because she threatens to withhold his kids! You don’t want to get involved in that sort of mess!
As for the finances – I don’t think it’s selfish or wrong to consider having separate finances. Never mind what ‘everyone else in your family’ does or doesn’t do – they aren’t you and you aren’t them. If you marry someone with kids, you want to discuss financial expectations – as you said, you WILL be expected to contribute to every day expenses like food and rent and electricity for the home you share with the kids… but if you don’t want to contribute to their post high school education, you don’t have to (for example). So you can separate your finances (at least partially) so you don’t have to.
Like I said, please please have these conversations. He wants to move forward and that’s fair enough. But if you also want to consider moving forward, then having these conversations is so important. You really need to know exactly what both of you expect so you can split if your expectations are too different.
It’s better for you, him and the kids if you don’t progress in a relationship in which you have wildly different expectations.
Good luck 😊
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